Suzanne - A Daughter of The King!

Forgetting The Past

2012-02-13T17:45:00.001-06:00

I sit in awe right now. This weekend the Lord reconnected a father and a son. Across miles, across years, across many gaping valleys... God did it the only way He could. Miraculously.

A couple of months ago, my mother-in-law called. She had news about her ex-husband, the father of my husband. He'd been found. For over eight years the family had no idea where he was. The last time my husband had seen him was in early 2000. There had been sightings of him by family, but for the most part he was a transient. He had lived on the streets of Tulsa Oklahoma for over twenty years. He was an alcoholic. He lived in his car, on the street, wherever he could find a place to lay his head including shelters and churches. Everyone had assumed he'd died out on the streets.

But earlier this fall, my husband's cousin was taking his own mother to an area nursing home. As they checked in, the admitting staff noted the last name was the same as another patient. When asked, she revealed that it was a man and his name was Robert. My husband's cousin had been looking for his uncle on behalf of the family for many years. He gave his birthdate and other vital info. It matched the other patients info exactly. It was with joy that my husband's dad was found. The calls to the rest of the family went out immediately.

My husband was surprised yet hesitant when he heard the news. He was happy his dad was alive. Yet, he was hesitant because it brought back many emotions and memories that he had long since buried. He was the son of an abusive alcoholic. From the time he was an infant, he'd suffered indescribable abuse as had his other brothers and his mother. As an young adult, on and off my husband and his dad had a sort of relationship, but it had been full of drama and more pain and disappointment. It had been two broken people trying to have a relationship but neither having a clue how to do so.

With the news, my husband thanked the Lord his dad was alive. He prayed as well. However, he did not feel inclined to rush to his dad's side. We listened to the stories of the cousin and the other brothers making contact. We found out that his dad suffered from severe Dimensia and was unaware of who his children were or even who his brother was. We were saddened by the news. The news triggered a lot of moments where my husband shared random memories. But then the interest abated.

Last week, the Lord ministered to me to start writing on our book again (I am writing about our testimony and the faithfulness of God). It was time for me to "interview" my husband. I was ready to share his childhood stories and what had molded him and "taught" him. I knew that the stories were drastically different from my own childhood. We sat down to begin the interview. He shared story after story. I felt the flow of the Holy Spirit as he was speaking, particularly as he would end one story and begin the next. Then we got to the hard parts - the beatings, the abuse, the pain and the moment when the state took him from his mother, growing up in a boy's home and the last time he saw his dad.

Then the Lord began to work on my husband's heart. He turned to me and said, "we need to find out how he's doing." We needed to make connection. My husband isn't one to sit on his laurels. We began the process of how to get in contact with his dad. Connection was made. We learned he actually is in stage 6 Alzheimer. He didn't know my husband as his son. He didn't remember how old he was, saying he believed he was around 38. Some questions he completely knew the answer and was quite cognitive. Others he did not know. When my husband asked if he knew Jesus, he said he did. When he asked to pray with him, he listened and he said Amen. When my husband quoted scripture and talked about eternal life, his dad said Hallelujah. He knew that Amen meant yes, yes, may it be so (or so be it!). As the conversation was wrapping up, my husband's dad cried. The nurses told my husband this was not typical behavior. When I spoke with the social worker today, she said that crying was not a typical response for him and she agreed God was at work.

We are going to see him next Saturday. We are taking him Oreos, some t-shirts and whatever else we feel led to take to him.

When they had talked this past weekend, my husband had told his dad that he loved him and he forgave him. Since then, my husband has cried many times. He's cried for the state his dad is in. He's also cried and grieved for the dad he never had. I know God is at work. First, my husband is not one to cry easily. Second, I see the hand of our Lord all over this. It is about restoration. It is about looking at the past and breaking the curses of those days and choices and forgiving - letting go so God can move.

Robert Wantland has forgotten his past. It might not fully have been his choice, but it is not a memory in his head. He doesn't remember those horrible incidents from his life. He doesn't even remember the good moments. We haven't asked him if he asked God to forgive him, and there is a huge possibility that if we did ask he couldn't answer us. But my husband strongly believes he did. He says that his dad had gone to church and read the Bible and prayed in those later years before they lost connection. However, his dad's alcoholism and self-abuse were so strong and ruled his life. Those demons and habits were something he was never able to break free from in all those years. But God is bigger than even that. For this man, Dimensia/Alzheimer is an escape from alcoholism and homelessness. He's not drank in seven years and he's had a bed and care and food for those years. When my husband asked about God, about Jesus - his dad responded with affirmative answers and understanding! He didn't know who my husband was; he didn't know how he got where he was; he didn't even know his favorite drink or food; One thing he did know was - He knew JESUS!!

My husband's tears and prayers aren't for the abuser or broken vessel that broke others, instead they are for the man God created, the man he almost lost and the man he is today. My husband feels called to be there for him as much as he is able - to have a relationship with his dad - the man before him who the Lord reveals to him to be.

I know that I know this is part of God's restorative plan. I know that I know that our lives, our children's lives and the lives of future generations as well as eternity is being impacted by what is occurring now. I look forward to watching it all unfold and I believe with expectation that God is being glorified!!!

TJ and the Time Stumblers - Book 5 Switched

2012-01-31T11:25:00.000-06:00

I do occasional book reviews for Tyndale. We recently received a complimentary copy of Bill Myers' TJ and the Time Stumblers Book 5 - Switched. The excitement in our house was tangible!!! My kids loved the fact that we were getting the chance to review a book that is at their reading level. My daughter was the first one to jump at reading it. She is 12. Just so happens her initials are TJ!!! So she totally could relate to the character! They had never read this series before.

As Christians and homeschoolers, we are always looking for good reading materials outside of our school hours. We generally lean towards biographical or living books. But as with all kids, they continue to love a good fiction story that grips them and expands their imagination.

My daughter, TJ, wanted to help write the review. Then JJ, my 11 year old son wanted to share his thoughts as well while he is reading it.

Bill Myers' book, TJ and the Time Stumblers Switched, in my opinion was one of the best books I have ever read. I have so much in common with TJ. Our names, brown hair color and I live in Missouri too. She is thirteen and I'm almost thirteen. Plus she is shy and if you met me you'd know that I am very shy too. The only difference is that I don't have glasses and well, she is a character in a story book! If they made a movie of this series, you'd could pretty much sign me up!

It was very creative this story that Bill Myers thought up, especially how they tried to solve their problems by "borrowing" the plutonium. I love their creative last names. My brother and I were really impressed by names like Mr. Hatemijob and Bruce Bruiseabone. The funny, funny part was when the jocks and nerds bodies were switched, even the marines and everyone.

I laughed a lot throughout this book. I would recommend this book to everyone. I cannot wait for my cousin to read it next.

Eleven year old, JJ had some thoughts as well.

My thoughts are that I love how Bill Myers used big letters to express action like "CRASH" and "rumble...rumble...rumble". This made it more real. And if I had to choose my favorite character it would be Herby because he is the crazy one that opened the Swiss Army knife that then shaved off TJ's hair. My favorite part is where they stole the plutonium, especially because there were Marines in it and my dad was a Marine. (I'd like to be a Marine myself someday).

As you can see, my two older children loved this book. I found it to be a very cute book. It definitely stretches the imagination. I love though, how engrossed my children became with the storyline and the characters. They already are asking when book six comes out. They are also wanting to read the first four books!!

The best part is that the content is completely appropriate for my tween children. There were no real questionable parts to it. Kudos to Mr. Myers on this fact. I look forward to getting the complete series for my kids.

Arise!

2012-01-12T14:23:00.001-06:00

What is breaking your heart today?

Some are going through unbelievable seasons of sorrow, mourning and grief. I met a pastor in California whose wife has been suffering from an auto-immune disease that is sapping all the strength from her body. Degenerative. Slow. Life Altering.

A friend is going through an incredibly horrible season. I cannot imagine walking in her shoes. Words escape me as I try to comfort her. The scripture, "mourn with those who mourn," comes to mind.

Another is in a physical pain prison. She cannot see the release and escape from her day to day suffering. If it is not one thing it is another thing for her. I hear her desperation to be set free.

There are many whose loved ones are dying. Others whose marriage is crumbling. Some are lost in a battle of addiction. Some are just plain lost - living a life of hopelessness for they do not know of the Savior Jesus. They are clueless to the HOPE that we have in Christ Jesus.

Do believers stumble around hurt and alone, in pain and distress - YES. There is just this difference from someone who believes in Jesus Christ and knows Him as their personal Savior and one who does not: the GOD-given HOPE that is in a believer. Underneath the layers of the brokenness that one may presently be experiencing, there is a still small voice that is whispering, "Arise, my child." That voice gains power as the believer grabs ahold of the HOPE in Christ. They are strengthened as they hide under the shelter of His Wing - within the truth and promises of His Word and ways. Sometimes we may stuff cotton balls in our ears and want to have a pity party for too long. I've done it. But when we finally wake up from our slumber of pain and grief we hear His voice saying, "Arise. Arise. I AM with you!"

So to my loved ones and friends that are struggling in the brokenness of the moment, I write. To my future self that may be focusing upon trouble and despair, I write. "Arise, Arise." There is HOPE. The God of the Universe is not done. The finish line has not been met. We just are at a really big hill that seems hopeless to climb - a mountain. But just Arise. Take One Step. Forward. An Inch. At a Time. Hope is before you - within you. Strength only comes when YOU reach up and grab His hand. He will carry you. He will set His angels about you to hold you up when you feel that all you can do is fall.

"Arise my beloved. Arise." And as you do - please know that we are praying for you! We are lifting you up before the Throne of Grace. We are breathing life into you even if you never hear us call your name. We are standing before you, behind you, with you. And more than us - HE is right before you. Arise my sisters. Arise.

Love,
your sister in Christ because of Calvary
Suzanne

HE fulfills!

2011-12-31T10:55:00.002-06:00

What an amazing year!!! This morning I set out reading the Scriptures and writing in my journal - it was an overflow of what was on my heart throughout the day yesterday. I spent last night reflecting over the last year. The word that best describes my walk in 2011 is AWE. Monumental moments that drew my eyes away from the natural and fixed them upon the Spiritual. Psalms 33:18 best describes that awe: Behold, the Lord's eye is upon those who fear Him [who revere and worship Him with awe], who wait for Him and hope in His mercy and loving-kindness.

2011 was a year for us to learn and glean what it meant to fear the Lord - to revere Him; to worship Him; to be in awe of Him. He taught us to wait upon Him and to hope in His mercy and His love. Wow - to learn to covet these. To learn to desire HIM in spite of what was before us. It was certainly a year of being stretched. Yet, I don't know one believer who doesn't say each year that they were stretched more, refined more than the previous year.

He filled us with Him truth and word. He ministered to us and He began a work in which only He can take credit and get glory. He did the supernatural. He fulfilled plans He'd put on our heart many years before.

My husband and I had our wedding. It was beautiful, God ordained, blessed. It was a recommitment ceremony - in many ways it was not just renewing our vows to each other but to God. The same day our children were baptized by my husband. Monumentally amazing!!

The same month, my husband had surgery to repair a hole in his retina and a cataract. The Lord provided for this surgery in a beautiful way and used it to grow us in our walk.

Then we found out in August that we were expecting another baby. Baby Zechariah is already full of wonder. God has used this blessing to minister His truth to us and to heal us from past pains and choices. How amazing is our Lord. I look forward with expectation to see more of what God is doing with this babe for His kingdom here on earth.

The past several months the Lord has taken us down paths spiritually that have been awe-inspiring! I sit in wonder! It has culminated with HUGE spiritual growth and us more fully grasping the verse: Dwell in Me, and I will dwell in you. [Live in Me, and I will live in you.] Just as no branch can bear fruit of itself without abiding in (being vitally united to) the vine, neither can you bear fruit unless you abide in Me. John 15:4.

Yesterday was an amazing day. In fact, the last week and the last month has been so. While stretched we have been blessed. I cannot imagine a greater King, a greater more loving God - and yet I know He is more than I can think or imagine.

So, as I begin to prepare my heart to enter into 2012, I am praying and praising and so thankful. I am full of AWE and I am full of expectation.

The Word picture I have for 2012 is to walk more fully in expectation of Him. To walk by faith and not by sight. To take the Father at His Word. To fully rely upon Him and His Word. To allow the Holy Spirit to lead, guide, teach and strengthen me. To believe the unbelievable - those things that GOD can and will do - as dictated in His Word. To apply those truths to my life even when I cannot see the fullness of the picture. To believe so that Jesus may be glorified and so that ALL honor and glory goes to the King of Kings!

I look forward to all that today and tomorrow and every day forth brings. Lord, be glorified!!!

Proverbs 16:3 - Roll your works upon the Lord. commit and trust them wholly to Him; He will cause your thoughts to become agreeable to His will, and) so shall your plans be established and succeed.

Lord, bless Your Holy Name. Bless You Holy Spirit of God for dwelling in and among us. Bless You Father for loving us so much that You move in power and might for Your eternal plans and for our good. Thank YOU. Thank You Jesus for going before us and for interceding on our behalf - for carrying our burdens and releasing us from sin and death. I praise You. Thank you for every moment of this past year. Please forgive me for the moments where I sinned and despaired. Please forgive me for those times of self and idolatry - where my eyes were not upon YOU. Thank You for your grace, mercy, love and correction. Oh, how I love you. How I thank YOU for teaching me to love you Yahweh! Amazing love. It is!! Thank You for the plans you have for us - plans to bless us and not curse us, to give us a future and a hope - for Your glory. I stand in awe. Amazed. Bless our coming and going in 2012 - that our eyes are steadfast upon YOU. I pray with all my heart that we do not turn to the left or right. I pray we keep your commands and abide in YOU. I love you Lord. Bless Your Holy Name. In Jesus' Name I pray. Amen and Amen (So be it!!!)

Your daughter,
Suzanne

Trial of Affliction

2011-12-19T22:27:00.000-06:00

Philippians 4

⁴Rejoice in the Lord always [delight, gladden yourselves in Him]; again I say, Rejoice!

⁵Let all men know and perceive and recognize your unselfishness (your considerateness, your forbearing spirit). The Lord is near [He is coming soon].

⁶Do not fret or have any anxiety about anything, but in every circumstance and in everything, by prayer and petition (definite requests), with thanksgiving, continue to make your wants known to God.

⁷And God's peace [shall be yours, that tranquil state of a soul assured of its salvation through Christ, and so fearing nothing from God and being content with its earthly lot of whatever sort that is, that peace] which transcends all understanding shall garrison and mount guard over your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.

⁸For the rest, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is worthy of reverence and is honorable and seemly, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely and lovable, whatever is kind and winsome and gracious, if there is any virtue and excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think on and weigh and take account of these things [fix your minds on them].

⁹Practice what you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, and model your way of living on it, and the God of peace (of untroubled, undisturbed well-being) will be with you.

¹⁰I was made very happy in the Lord that now you have revived your interest in my welfare after so long a time; you were indeed thinking of me, but you had no opportunity to show it.

¹¹Not that I am implying that I was in any personal want, for I have learned how to be content (satisfied to the point where I am not disturbed or disquieted) in whatever state I am.

¹²I know how to be abased and live humbly in straitened circumstances, and I know also how to enjoy plenty and live in abundance. I have learned in any and all circumstances the secret of facing every situation, whether well-fed or going hungry, having a sufficiency and enough to spare or going without and being in want.

¹³I have strength for all things in Christ Who empowers me [I am ready for anything and equal to anything through Him Who infuses inner strength into me; I am self-sufficient in Christ's sufficiency].

Did you get all that. It is full of meat of the Bible, not milk. Paul is talking to you and me about this season now. Go and read it again!!! Here -I'll help you!

Philippians 4

Rejoice in the Lord always [delight, gladden yourselves in Him]; again I say, Rejoice! No matter what is going on in your life - REJOICE - give praise, thanksgiving, prayer, worship, trust, believe, hope in the LIVING God of the universe ALWAYS.
Let all men know and perceive and recognize your unselfishness (your considerateness, your forbearing spirit). The Lord is near [He is coming soon]. He is coming soon. This life is NOT about you or me - but HIM. So our life should look to others, by our word, thought, actions and deeds as sold out to CHRIST.
Do not fret or have any anxiety about anything, but in every circumstance and in everything, by prayer and petition (definite requests), with thanksgiving, continue to make your wants known to God. STOP worrying about everything. Stop it!!! Go to the LORD with everything (every circumstance, every concern, every worry, every thought, all of it). Pray, be specific, thank HIM for hearing, thank Him for allowing things that you don't get. Through these actions, you are making him know not only your wants - but you are trusting HIM with it ALL!
And God's peace [shall be yours, that tranquil state of a soul assured of its salvation through Christ, and so fearing nothing from God and being content with its earthly lot of whatever sort that is, that peace] which transcends all understanding shall garrison and mount guard over your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. When you seek HIM - He will give you peace. It is a supernatural peace. The peace doesn't necessarily change the circumstances or situation - it changes YOU. He changes YOU - from the inside out. He goes beyond the natural and is moving in the Spirit realm. As He does this He is doing battle on your behalf to line your heart and mind up with HIM.
For the rest, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is worthy of reverence and is honorable and seemly, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely and lovable, whatever is kind and winsome and gracious, if there is any virtue and excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think on and weigh and take account of these things [fix your minds on them]. Then, after doing all that you have done - THINK on that which is TRUE (not the world's stuff, but His TRUTH, His Word, remember all the times He has been faithful - in scripture and in your own life and/or the lives of others). Fix your mind on these amazing things for they are worthy of HIM. Something supernatural happens in your thought-life when you do this. It will change your perspective. It will line YOU up with HIM.
Practice what you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, and model your way of living on it, and the God of peace (of untroubled, undisturbed well-being) will be with you. Paul is saying - you must practice what you have learned and received and heard for him in the Word - but also from all those teachers God has placed in your life. The Word of God is full of men and women of faith that we can learn from and model our lives after - especially JESUS' walk. And there are those today that are walking godly lives - look at their fruit. As you walk - GOD must be your plumb line. He will be with you!
I was made very happy in the Lord that now you have revived your interest in my welfare after so long a time; you were indeed thinking of me, but you had no opportunity to show it. Not that I am implying that I was in any personal want, for I have learned how to be content (satisfied to the point where I am not disturbed or disquieted) in whatever state I am. Paul is talking straight to their personal relationship. But it is greater than that. He is saying, listen, I'm glad you are thinking about me, but think about this: I have learned to be content/satisfied wherever I find myself. God did that in HIM. Through the trials of affliction, through the fire of refining. God helped him to learn to be thankful and not unsettled by where he finds himself.
I know how to be abased and live humbly in straitened circumstances, and I know also how to enjoy plenty and live in abundance. I have learned in any and all circumstances the secret of facing every situation, whether well-fed or going hungry, having a sufficiency and enough to spare or going without and being in want. I have strength for all things in Christ Who empowers me [I am ready for anything and equal to anything through Him Who infuses inner strength into me; I am self-sufficient in Christ's sufficiency]. He is breaking it down further for you. WHATEVER the circumstance, Paul has seen God's hand. He has learned to rest in Christ.

This has been on my heart a lot lately. When I sat in prison - I had nothing. My mom sent me $40 a month. Sometimes my mother-in-law or a family friend would send me a little extra. With that money I had to buy all my necessities, as well as phone minutes to call my children and family and I had to buy stamps. I would OFTEN hear people say: "Suzanne, if I could walk through this for you I would."

I would not EVER ask for that experience to not have happened. It was a much needed Refiner's fire. It was a trial of affliction that allowed me to get firsthand what Paul was saying here in Phillippians. I get it.

So, sometimes, I see people struggling with the journey and where they find themselves. The thing is GOD wants to use that time to draw them closer, to grow them in wisdom and truth. He wants them to lean on HIM. Whether it is sickness, loneliness, prison, financial strain - we have to learn to rely on HIM. If we embrace HIM instead of the circumstances it will be easier because we will find that we experience that supernatural peace that Paul is talking about in those verses. Our thoughts will change from "poor me" to "Praise God!"

I am preaching to myself tonight. But I'm also talking to a lot of those I love tonight. Stop looking at what could have or should have been and start thanking God for where you are at right now. A lot of actions could have changed the outcome of my walk in 2003 - 2006. However, I ran to HIM and He grew me up. It was not always easy and I am sure that if you were to ask those close to me I did my fair share of complaining and temper tantrums. But something changed when I surrendered it to God and walked through those prison gates in 2004. God's word became alive to me in a way I had never known. I GOT what Paul meant. I am still getting what Paul meant. I am still on this path of learning what the Lord would have me to know. So if you are one of those that are in pain and struggling with where you find yourself - Please pray and walk as Paul instructs in Philippians 4. And know that I am right there with you - praying the same thing!

Favorite Memory

2011-11-28T20:05:00.002-06:00

Have you had an emotional day; a day in which you cannot get to a place of peace in your mind? I had one of those today. I was driving in my car and praying. I was saying scriptures to myself: The Lord has not given you a spirit of fear but of power and a sound mind. Be anxious for nothing but in all things through prayer and supplication with thanksgiving present your requests to the Lord, that the God of understanding will garrison your heart and mind in Christ Jesus.

These are truths. I know them to be so. However, the feelings in my mind and heart were having difficulty coming into alignment with these truths. I was struggling. I knew that I could not battle this alone. While I knew the Lord was with me...the battle I was experiencing was in need of someone joining in agreement with me. Immediately, my older sister came to mind. (Sidenote: I love how the Lord will minister who will be an effective prayer warrior when I need to pray - it is always someone different and yet they are always there, ready and willing to be used by the Lord to minister His truth and to pray powerfully according to His Word!! He is so amazing like that!!).

She answered immediately - which was a huge confirmation as usually I get voicemail. I asked her to pray with me. She immediately began to pray and I immediately began to cry. I knew immediately that the weight was too heavy for me. It is like her prayer removed the burden on me and enabled me to surrender it all to Jesus! She then spoke words of wisdom to me.

But one of my most favorite things she did - she reminded me about a time when I experienced God's perfect peace. She said, "the time you pick will probably be so different then the time I would choose, as you've experienced a lot more extreme situations and experienced God's peace in the midst." I immediately thought of that time I was in a place of God ordained peace. Just the reminder of it ministered to me. The faithfulness of God filled me. It was supernatural and healing in a blink of an eye.

My favorite experience and memory that the Lord blessed me with forever - until I come face to face with Jesus!: 2005 Alderson, West Virginia. I sat on my bunk in my cube in FPC Alderson. My earbuds in my ears - the music blaring Spirit FM radio. I don't remember the songs - but it was God's music. I had my Bible in front of me. I was living in Range 3. I had a window in my cube and outside was a beautiful tree. I could look out it as I sat backwards in my bunk. There was noise all around me from my other inmate sisters. Yet, it was just Jesus and me. The fact was - I was not in my bunk. I was on a mountaintop with Jesus. My hands raised high as I praised Him. It did not matter one iota in that moment that my temporal life was on hold - for I was in the presence of my Savior. There was perfect peace. He had my children. He had my husband. He had all my temporal needs. He had every thing I could think or worry about. He was my Alpha and Omega, my Jehovah Jireh, my Redeemer, Healer, Savior, ALL. He kept me and I was experiencing a peace that was not temporal but eternal.

That is a special gift from God that no man could give me, no situation could take away. The thing is - I forget at times that this is how the Lord wants me to walk every day, every moment.

Lord, thank YOU for reminding me! Thank you for ministering to Denice to remind me! Thank you for all you did today. It was beautiful. It was stretching. It reminded me of your faithfulness. Thank You Lord.

P.S. Here is a song just for you today!!!

Eternal Impact

2011-11-22T12:02:00.001-06:00

A friend recently said, "It won't matter in 100 years..." While that sentiment applied to what we were speaking about to a degree, it cannot be used randomly. That began a lengthy pensive thought process about cause and effect.

Scripture is full of if you do this, this will occur or if you don't do this, this will surely be the Lord's response. If you trust in the Lord, He will direct your path. If you obey His commands, He will keep you.

My older sister learned the following saying during an amazing time of healing in her life: "The choices and decisions you make will either bless you or curse you...the choices and decisions your parents made either blessed you or cursed you." To think, we have the ability to a degree to affect the outcome of not only our own lives but our children's and those around us - for years to come...for eternity.

The question then becomes, what is motivating our behavior, our actions, our speech or thoughts? And how are each of those going to not only affect the outcome but, also, how will they affect eternity? They will matter to a degree in 100 years. For they may directly affect our children, our children's children.

God says that we will have to give an account of every idle (inoperative, non-working) word we speak (Matthew 12:36). It is also written in Hebrews 4:13 "Nothing in all creation is hidden from God's sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account."

Paul says that while all things may be allowable/permissible, they may not be beneficial. (1 Corinthians 10:23). In essence, they may not further GOD's plan. They might meet your immediate gratification. They may not be sin, but they might cause you to lose sight of the bigger picture of where God is taking you or what He has for your life.

I speak from experience. I've missed the boat, fed my flesh, went my own way time and time again. I didn't see the immediate effect my actions were going to have. I didn't fear the Lord in the matter because to be honest, I either didn't seek His face and heart on the matter or I didn't listen when He quickened in my spirit to go a different way.

I am trying to seek Him more on the big and smaller matters. I'm trying to study His Word so I can obey His voice and commands - so I can know Him more. Because the thing is - it might matter in 100 years. It might matter tomorrow what I am thinking, doing, saying today.

Breathe On Me Lord

2011-10-01T17:58:00.026-05:00

The song begins "When my soul has cried its tears and my heart begins to faint, will You draw near, will You meet with me...

My heart cry from the time I can remember has been the very lyrics to this song. At first, I had no idea who I was calling to - I just knew that I needed to be delivered. As the years went by - I would call to the universe, to god in a universal sense, to anyone who could take the uncertainty and pain from my existence.

I suffered for years with bouts of depression. In high school, the angst of those years as a teenager, the turmoil that existed in our home life, the confusion of who I was and who I was to be.

It grew worse in college. Identity crisis seemed to be my constant state of being. I was whatever necessitated at the moment. Preppy one semester, studious the next, adventuresome to a degree with a constant underlayment of self-rebuke, self-hatred, and the ever constant battle to not show my true confused self to anyone.

It came to a head my Junior year. I got pregnant. I was thrown into a tailspin. There was an unwritten rule in our house that if you ever wound up in jail - you were NOT to call home for aid. Getting pregnant had not even been discussed, but somehow in my mind, it was up there with getting arrested. So - I went outside to strangers for help, just as many 21 year old kids were apt to do.

I made plans for an abortion. I manipulated and deceived for the next 2 months to get the money together and get to the only place that I was told would do an abortion. It was in Kansas - a 4 1/2 hour drive away.

I see God even had His hand on me then - even though I didn't know Him and I was living so far from Him. He gave me so many opportunities to not go through with the decision. Ice Storms. Tire issues. Anniversary of Roe V. Wade. Picketers with tracts on the path to the clinic. The nurse convincing me I needed an internal ultrasound so I could see the baby - her asking me if I was sure I wanted to do this (not standard protocol in an abortion clinic). Yet I laid on that table as they sucked a life out of me. Crying inside the entire time.

I didn't just ruin my child's life in that moment, but also my own, as well as the boy that fathered that child.

I nearly flunked out of college - 2 semesters of straight F's! I moved into my walk-in closet for a time, I tried to eat a bottle of aspirin. I was in despair. I was ruined. I hated everyone and everything. I only told 4 people. I could not move past that choice.

One of my brothers decided to come to my rescue when my dad found out about my grades (he never knew about the baby and the abortion). My brother took me to Chicago. He tried to help me, not realizing that he was incapable of reaching me. In essence, he enabled me to run away and ultimately to get sucked into things that he had no understanding of at the time.

On the outside, it looked like I was getting my life together. I'd gone back to that ability to "meld" into who I needed to be at that moment. The real pain was back in my college town, so I cut most ties with those friends and that boy. I filled the empty space with work, another guy, sinful behavior and fakeness, all the while my heart and mind were bleeding. Depression was never far from me.

Fast forward many years. Finally a college graduate, now filling up the empty places with alcohol and immoral living. Minutes from drug addiction and full out prostitution! Depression barking at the door of my existence and me running from it full force into the darkest of the dark places.

Finally, a cry for God to rescue me, to save me, to BREATHE on ME and change me. I was so desperate to know He was real.

He came in my time of need. He breathed life into me. He saved me.

But that stronghold of depression would follow me for 13 more years. Postpartem depression with each pregnancy. And now - I meet it again.

This time - it is not going to win. God is so faithful!!! In the happiest of times, expecting our 4th child (with 2 in Heaven!), depression has tried to come and invade my walk. It whispers reminders of the past. It elbows in on me as I sit next to the toilet recovering from morning sickness. It beckons me to get swallowed in my sheets and never rise again.

But there is something different this time. I see it coming. I recognize it. I've called it out! And I've asked God to remove it from me! And God graciously fills me more and more with His spirit so I may fight against the darkness.

The Lord is here! When my days are filled with searching and my strength has given way, He does draw near, He does meet with me...in supernatural ways!!!

He breathes on me! He satisfies me. He fills me with His healing, His truth, His love, His power and compassion to love.

Baby Steps

2011-09-18T19:36:00.001-05:00

I've been thinking a great deal about perspective. It is gained in baby steps. Truly.

My perspective has been skewed recently. Freakout-ville has been where I've lived. Trying to adjust to some changes, trying to see around at what others perception of facts. Reactions - mine and others.

Today, as I was emerging from the restroom I saw a man from my past. Let me set the stage... I'm having a baby in the spring and so I have been spending a great deal of time dealing with morning/all-day type sickness. The Lord ministered the last couple of days that this was a LESSON in perseverence. So, rather than trying to sleep away or lay away the sickness, we got out of the house today. Went to church. On my 3rd run from the restroom - I almost bumped into this gentleman.

Over 4 years ago, I met him. He was basically homeless. I was involved with a ministry. We gave him food, ministered to him, prayed with and for him. Today, he emerged around the corner at the same time I did. He had on a suit and was holding his Bible. I knew he looked familiar and then I realized how and why I knew him. He went into the sanctuary to worship the Lord. He attends our church.

4 years ago a lot happened in that ministry. Some not so good. While he was served and helped for a season, he left when things got out of order. Today, He's still following Jesus. Today, I'm still following Jesus!

Perspective. A lot can change in 4 years, a year, a month, a day, a moment.

Perspective. Things don't always end up like you think they are going to - especially since the Word of God says that His ways are NOT ours!

I never would have imagined at 41 that I'd be having another baby. I would have never imagined that God was going to use constant nausea and vomitting for HIS glory! I never would have thought that I would be walking what we are walking today! And yet here we are! And here I sit writing to you. I am filled with awe and I am pretty sure that is the perspective He inteded me to have!!

Lord, help me to have YOUR perspective. Even if it is baby steps toward the understanding of Your ways, Your truth, Your knowledge, Your understanding and Your will! Lord, just as you are moment by moment growing this baby in my womb and you have moment by moment grown me to who I am today, I pray, you will continue to fill me all in all with YOU to persevere, to live to bring you glory, honor and joy!!

Restructuring

2011-07-17T14:54:00.000-05:00

It has been awhile since I wrote on here. I've had a hiatus of sorts. God is RESTRUCTURING. When I think of that word - I don't always have a positive connotation in mind. But this is CERTAINLY a good thing. A very good thing!

I love this place, season, we are in. A calm peace rests upon me that I don't know I've ever felt. A spiritual AND natural peace. I've experienced PEACE, God's peace, a spiritual place in my walk during many turbulent storms. It is SUPERNATURAL. The world as I knew it was falling apart, and yet God held me up and filled me with a peace that surpasses all understanding.

I've also experienced a natural peace where the circumstances SEEMED peaceful. But I had unrest in my spirit. A sense of the other shoe dropping, of something coming over the horizon to knock me out of that natural place of peace. I used to covet this type of peace. Mostly, I wanted it because it meant all was right in the world. I'd not offended anyone. No one was knocking on the door to shake up my world. No calls were coming making demands on my life that I could not meet. It was a "I'm not in any kind of trouble" type peace! It is an illusion if you aren't experiencing His peace supernaturally. A wave rolls out of the water and can in a flash knock you flat on your face and beat you up - if you aren't founded in Christ, founded on the Rock!

So, His peace is upon me and I am NOT in a storm. While there may be one brewing - I have His perfect peace that He will equip, prepare and sustain us! I will NOT be caught unaware because our Living GOD is within me. His Word is an anchor. A light upon my path. A lighthouse! Perfect Peace!

Lord, thank You for restructuring so that YOUR perfect peace can radiate in and through me in EVERY area of my life. May YOU and YOU alone be glorified. In Jesus' Name. Amen.

Isa 26:3 You will guard him and keep him in perfect and constant peace whose mind [both its inclination and its character] is stayed on You, because he commits himself to You, leans on You, and
hopes confidently in You.

The Lord Gives

2011-06-01T14:54:00.001-05:00

On May 22, 2011 - Many lives were forever changed, much like one man in the Bible who faced catastrophe:

Job 1:18-21 "While he was still speaking, yet another messenger came and said, “Your sons and daughters were feasting and drinking wine at the oldest brother’s house, when suddenly a mighty wind swept in from the desert and struck the four corners of the house. It collapsed on them and they are dead, and I am the only one who has escaped to tell you!” At this, Job got up and tore his robe and shaved his head. Then he fell to the ground in worship and said:

“Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked I will depart.
The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away;
may the name of the LORD be praised.”

In all this, Job did not sin by charging God with wrongdoing."

A strong wind (Tornado) struck Job's children's house. All of his children died. If you read farther, you will see that his devastation did not end with this one event - but went on for some time - yet still he praised the Lord.

Today, over a week after the tornado struck Joplin, Missouri, many are still praising the Lord. Some were personally affected by loss of life and property. Many of those same people are standing in awe of our God who gives and takes away. I've listened to story after story of men, women and children praising our God. One young man in particular, Will Norton, as he was taken into the storm - was heard praying Scriptures! Calling upon the Name of God is true worship!!

Today, I stand in awe as well. I am looking at a mountain of donations for those in Joplin and those affected by life's losses. The outpouring of donations and clothing have been mammoth, both in Joplin and here as well.

As I unpacked boxes and bags to sort and get ready to take down, I was struck by one person's gift. They gave tins of cookies. I don't know if they made them over the night to bring or if they had made them during the holidays and pulled them out of their freezer to send down to the workers, and volunteers and those affected. But whichever is the case - they gave - much like the widow who gave the little she had - she gave her all.

The Lord is giving me personally far more than I thought. He blessed my husband with many projects over the next month - which has allowed me to take time off from work to give of my time to help get these donations to those in need. He gave me a blessing yesterday when I got to pray with someone I never would have met had I not been in that moment - sorting shoes! He touched families all over the Kansas City area to give. Some grabbed what they had and gave that. Others, had much and they gave bags upon bags. Some gave financially to those organizations that can do the most good with that money. Still others took the time to wash each item we collected, they sorted and labeled them for us. What blessings. Many have been praying for the folks affected by the severe weather - not just in Joplin, but throughout the country.

I wonder, what happened if God didn't allow things to be taken? Would we ever know what we really had? Would we ever get to that place of brokenness where He could change us to be more like His Son, Jesus Christ? How many times have I blessed God when the storms of life blew up my world? Maybe not enough. Job stood and was faithful to the Lord. He praised Him in the midst of it all.

I thank GOD that He gives and takes. I thank GOD that He puts on hearts to give and stand alongside those walking through storms and devastation - no matter what kind: tornadoes, hurricanes, tsunami, floods, earthquakes, financial loss, job loss, death, war, imprisonment, depression, addictions - all!

I thank Our Father in Heaven that His Spirit lives within all those who know Jesus Christ as Lord!!

Lord, Thank you for today and these last couple of days that have worn out my feet. Thank You that I have a place to lay my head tonight. Thank You that You are the ONLY true God. Thank You that You are the Restorer of all things. Thank You for letting me see Your hand over and over again - through provision. Thank YOU that I cannot see it all - but You are in the midst of it all. May I praise You and speak YOUR Word - no matter the storm that blows upon us! Thank YOU! I love You Father, Son, Holy Spirit - GOD!

Your daughter, Suzanne

Praising When YOU don't feel like it!

2011-05-20T09:41:00.001-05:00

Habakkuk 3
His glory covered the heavens and the earth was full of His praise.
    ⁴And His brightness was like the sunlight; rays streamed from His hand, and there [in the sunlike splendor] was the hiding place of His power.
    ⁵Before Him went the pestilence [as in Egypt], and burning plague followed His feet [as in Sennacherib's army].
    ⁶He stood and measured the earth; He looked and shook the nations, and the eternal mountains were scattered and the perpetual hills bowed low. His ways are everlasting and His goings are of old.
    ⁷I [Habakkuk, in vision] saw the tents of Cushan [probably Ethiopia] in affliction; the [tent] curtains of the land of Midian trembled.
    ⁸Were You displeased with the rivers, O Lord? Or was Your anger against the rivers [You divided]? Was Your wrath against the [Red] Sea, that You rode [before] upon Your horses and Your chariots of victory and deliverance?
    ⁹Your bow was made quite bare; sworn to the tribes [of Israel] by Your sure word were the rods of chastisement, scourges, and calamities. Selah [pause, and calmly think of that]! With rivers You cleaved the earth [bringing forth waters in dry places].
    ¹⁰The mountains saw You; they trembled and writhed [as if in pain]. The overflowing of the water passed by [as at the deluge]; the deep uttered its voice and lifted its hands on high.
    ¹¹The sun and moon stood back [as before Joshua] in their habitation at the light of Your arrows as they sped, at the flash of Your glittering spear.
    ¹²You marched through the land in indignation; You trampled and threshed the nations in anger.
    ¹³You went forth and have come for the salvation of Your people, for the deliverance and victory of Your anointed [people Israel]; You smote the head of the house of the wicked, laying bare the foundation even to the neck. Selah [pause, and calmly think of that]!
    ¹⁴You pierced with his own arrows the head of [the enemy's] hordes; they came out as a whirlwind to scatter me [the people], rejoicing as if to devour the poor [Israel] secretly.
    ¹⁵You have trodden the sea with Your horses, [beside] the heap of great and surging waters.
    ¹⁶I heard and my [whole inner self] trembled; my lips quivered at the sound. Rottenness enters into my bones and under me [down to my feet]; I tremble. I will wait quietly for the day of trouble and distress when there shall come up against [my] people him who is about to invade and oppress them.
    ¹⁷Though the fig tree does not blossom and there is no fruit on the vines, [though] the product of the olive fails and the fields yield no food, though the flock is cut off from the fold and there are no cattle in the stalls,
    ¹⁸Yet I will rejoice in the Lord; I will exult in the [victorious] God of my salvation!
    ¹⁹The Lord God is my Strength, my personal bravery, and my invincible army; He makes my feet like hinds' feet and will make me to walk [not to stand still in terror, but to walk] and make [spiritual] progress upon my high places [of trouble, suffering, or responsibility]

What have I not been doing? Rejoicing in the Lord Always (Philippians 4:4). It has been rather intermittent! Recent events have seemed to all but swallow me up. Depression seemed to be setting in. How could I, a believer in the Almighty God, succumb to a depressed state?

So two things, no three, have happened this week; four really...maybe more. See, first, God ministered through His Word and a sermon. Then God sent a beloved friend to pray with me and for me. At the same time God gave wisdom to my older sister too who reminded me of ALL the times God has met me where I was at - in spite of what I perceived to be the present state of things Then, Our God met a dire need that we had in the natural by His grace and mercy. Throughout, God had many praying for us - trusting that Our God was at work! God loved me even when I was acting like a spoiled brat not getting her way!! God ministered over and over even though I was in the wrong and somewhat angry and wallowing in my emotional fits!

So - Two beloved people reminded me of praising God for all He has done in our lives. Psalm 30 - David does that. Even though he had faced and would face perilous times - He thanked and praised our Lord. To list and remind ourselves of all that God has done. To praise HIM for His goodness, mercy and love!

Lord, Thank you!

I praise You that you called and knew me in my mother's womb. You were with me when I was 6, 9, 12, 14 and all those years later - You knew that there would come a time when I would need you more than ever before - and I was in a place where I was ready to be known as Yours! You heard my cry in that horrible place I'd allowed myself to go - in a bedroom, when I had no hope of eternal life and was headed to assured destruction - You heard my prayer - and in YOUR time - You came and saved me! You gave me eternal life. You wrote my name in the Lamb's Book of Life! Thank YOU!

You allowed Jay and I to walk through such darkness - with Your light, Your Truth growing day by day to keep us and carry us. You blessed our feet - when everyone else said we should be damned and forgotten - when brother and sister, mother and father turned from us. You were there and loved us.

You are so faithful to restore! You were not blocked by time - but in YOUR infinite way you touched my dad and did a work in such a short space to resolve and heal Him - to make Him yours! Then you fixed what was broken deep within so that I again had the love of the man called Daddy. Thank YOU! You took what satan meant for evil and YOU did supernatural beauty - restoring my relationship with my mother. Giving the gift of TRUST to us all. You saved her. You saved us all! You restored my relationship with my sisters - and I am so grateful for what You have done in our lives! You graciously blessed me with respect from my brother-in-law and did something so supernatural that my words will never do it justice. I praise YOU!

You gave me a voice when I had none. You opened my mouth to boldly proclaim the Gospel of Jesus Christ in places I would NEVER have willingly gone myself. You put Your love in my heart. You blessed me with mercy and grace. You removed fear and anxiety that had long held me captive. You blessed me in extraordinary ways!! I praise YOU!

You gave me jobs that I had no right to have. You provided manna - You made it that my shoes did not wear out - and if they did - I was given another pair! You met EVERY need for me, my children and my husband in ways that I cannot begin to count. You healed my body. You healed my soul. You kept my children from harm - and damage that so many others are scarred forever by - You made sure no stigma touched them. You encompassed them and us with Your love! Thank You Lord.

Praise You for the friendships that have endured the test of time. My mountaintop sisters that You blessed us with - You were with us in the fire. You let Your Shekinah Glory SHINE forth greater than the rays of Sun. You were there amidst the chaos of the prison walls. You opened the gates when man said that would not happen. You personally gave me the keys to a freedom I'd never known. Thank YOU LORD.

Father - I am so sorry that I have forgotten all the ways you graciously have loved me. Please forgive me!!

You took my writing and had it spoken to thousands - over the airwaves of the mountains of Virginia and West Virginia - they were words of Praise to YOU and YOUR children! You united the body for YOUR purpose. You grew each of us. You kept us in the palm of Your hand!

You have faithfully been there for us - not leaving or forsaking us - even when we've walked in anger, sadness that cut so deep we did not think we could utter one more breath or step. You loved us in spite of our weaknesses. You spoke softly to me - that I could hear. You shouted in my ears in the middle of the night so I might awaken and hear Your voice. You were there in the depths and the heights!

You taught me to want to be a wife and a mother. You restored that. You graciously kept guard over my children and did not allow the devourer to take them from my care. You blessed us with the call to parent. You graciously forgave the sin that only You could forgive. You gave me the gift of forgiveness. Thank YOU! You ordained me to teach. You gave me my first pupils - and my second. You have loved me even when I wanted to back down and out of this call. You have been there every step of this way. Please forgive me for refusing to bow my knee completely to your call. Please forgive me for thinking that You might not be in this. I am so sorry Lord for my fear, grief and distrust of You - the Living GOD!! Thank YOU!

You have heard my cries over the last 3 years. You set Jay free when man said it would not come to be. You have provided far better than I could have ever done - please forgive me for getting in Your way! Thank You for the Words of LIFE and LOVE that only You can give. Thank You for those that have lifted up our name to You in prayer and supplication for YOUR will to be done. Thank You for those who have loved and supported us and sought Your will for our life. Thank You for every GAP-Stander that YOU have raised up. Lord, You know them by name. I know most of them by name and I ask YOU to bless them in ways that they cannot imagine - for Your glory and honor!!!

Thank You Father for loving us so much that you have given us the greatest gift of all - YOUR SALVATION. You sent Jesus to hang on a tree - to take captivity captive. You graciously sent Your Spirit to be within each of those You called and saved. Thank You Holy Spirit of God that YOU have ministered, directed, kept and never left me when I would have left myself in my grief, anger and despair. Thank YOU for those that YOU'VE kept that have walked down similar paths with YOU. They have been a voice of Your TRUTH. Thank YOU! Father, Jesus, Holy Spirit! I praise YOU with all.

Thank you Lord for my beloveds. I love them so - I want to name them all - but I know there are so many more that I don't even know - our names flittered through their head and they lifted us up to YOU in prayer. Those that came before that prayed for us - never having the opportunity to know us - the ones that read about us - the ones that birthed us so many years before - Aunts, Uncles, Great-Grandparents, the called and chosen of God that prayed for our generation! Thank YOU Lord!! Bless as only YOU can bless.

Lord, there is so much more that You have done and continue to do in our lives. The things I can see with my eyes and the things that You are doing for Your glory that I cannot imagine let alone see. I thank YOU! Thank You that You are Alpha, Omega, Beginning, End, Great I AM, Love, Peace, Grace, Justice, Provider, Jehovah Jireh, Defender, Keeper, Truth, ALL! Thank YOU! I love You so!

For the Word of God [is] quick, and powerful, and sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing even to the dividing asunder of soul and spirit, and of the joints and marrow, and [is] a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart.

I praise YOU Lord!!! Thank YOU!

I Shine - My Kids Foundation For Shining For God's Kingdom

2011-05-13T14:40:00.001-05:00

Recently I received two complimentary I Shine Tween Bibles from Tyndale House Publishers. How excited my 11 and 12 year old children were - especially when they arrived on my daughter's birthday! My son, Builder, had just celebrated his 11th birthday the week before.

They poured over the pages, talking about reading Matthew from this version, New Living Translation. We are a homeschool family and do devotions every morning. We are currently reading Matthew verse by verse aloud.

The best part for them was that they knew these were Bibles put together for them - their age kids. The boys Bible has an outline of a kid with a guitar, the girls are 3 friends holding hands.

We had one problem - my eight year old wanted to know where his Bible was! Easy enough, I got online and found out how much it was to hook him up with his own Bible. That way they'd all be reading from the same version. He is excited that when his birthday comes up - we will be getting him his own one.

The Bible is broken into 3 teaching sections - 1)You have value. 2)You have a unique identity in Christ. 3)You have a purpose to fulfill. Within the section they provide Scriptures, comments from other tweens about the subject of the section and a sort of devotional topic. There are boxes with web-addresses to take them to the IShine Website to find out more information. There are codes for smart phones to read to get there easily. We are old school - no cell phones for the kids until they have a paying job and can show a need for a phone! But we did check out the website - since the Bible also features the web url code.

"So, how can you live to show others how much you are valued by God?" is one of the questions raised in the first section. I think that for my tween son and daughter one of the biggest challenges I face is getting them not only to see who they are IN CHRIST but also seeing who others are in Christ. Often tweens and teens are so "me focused" that they aren't Christ centered! They forget that it isn't about them - but about God and His ways. They have value because of who HE is. The IShine Bible points them to HIM. There self-worth is never going to be in what others think - but in what God thinks!!

I had thought when I read the description that it might be like a study Bible. It isn't a study Bible. Which for my kids is just fine, since we talk a lot about what they are reading and incorporate our schooling around that. If someone is looking for a study Bible for tweens - this isn't the one for them. But for a parent trying to get their kids to focus on who they are in Chirst...this is perfect!

Check out the website too! There are some great videos, songs and devotional information online. There is one video on there which is one of my favorites for my daughter!! Here is the link: http://vimeo.com/17685152.

Leading The Colony

2011-05-08T12:05:00.001-05:00

Beloved. Blessed. Mother. Daughter of the King.

This morning my husband went outside to pull some weeds. He grew up in unusual circumstances and there are some things that he is doing for the first time in his life. Weeding is one of them. Sure, he has pulled a weed or two in his life - but he had never set out to weed a yard or flowerbed for that matter. He had to ask me a question about weeding techniques so he could ensure that the new grass he has been trying to grow didn't get damaged.

I knew the answer because I grew up in a family where we all worked. Nothing was a woman job and nothing was a man job - it was all a family job. Everyone did their part. So, of course I have been taught to weed, to mow the lawn, to fix a tire and change the oil on a car. I missed some of the food preparation classes because I had no interest, but for the most part - I learned how to do all the outside jobs and quite a few inside ones! Thus, this morning, I happily showed my husband how to use a knife to uproot weeds without ruining his grass!

While they were working, they happened upon a termite colony. A hundred workers rose to the surface and began to get busy. My husband diligently went to work trying to abolish them. We then got on the internet to learn more about colonies and queens. Seems that she is burrowed down about 15-20ft underground. There are many layers of dirt and worker termites between her and the surface. She is protected. She is beloved. I could say she is blessed -to the degree bugs can be blessed!

I've been prayerfully pondering today what it means to be a mother - As it is Mother's Day. Proverbs 31 says that her children will call her blessed as will her husband when he praises her. She is diligent in her work, wise in her speech, gentle in her guidance.

My friend, Kristi, shared with me the other day that she felt the mother sets the tone in the home. One could say the mother is the measuring line of where the house is spiritually. I know that to be true with our family. While my husband is a born leader and does so very well - spiritual temperature is really measured by my own walk. When I am out of order - my children seem to be out of order. When I am learning lessons and being instructed in a matter by our Father - it seems so are my husband and children.

The other day I had this crazy desire to get my house in order - I was cleaning the basement and all the rooms. I didn't demand anyone help me. I just got busy working. Very soon my children were doing the same. Then my husband set to work doing outside work on the lawn and the guttering. On the spiritual side, I'd felt the Lord ministering for me to learn something specific. I set my heart to the matter. In short order, I saw my husband making decisions that were in line with what God had put on my heart to pray. We were soon walking in obedience to what the Lord had ministered - without any of us every saying anything aloud. God had just done this work to line us all up!

Sort of like the queen of the termites. She does what God intended her to do (by the way - if you are having a hard time with my visual - remember that God did not create termites to destroy houses but as a major ecological benefit in the chain of life!). If the queen is blessed and well, then the colony will be as well. If she is sick and dying - then the colony would be dying and susceptible to death and destruction. If she digs down deep and walks as the Creator of the Universe created her to walk - her colony will flourish eating the natural debris, leaves and wood of the land - and she will be protected as will they!

So my prayer for this new year of being a mother to my children, a wife to my husband and a daughter of the King - Lord, please help me to keep my eyes upon you, to walk in a manner pleasing and wholly acceptable unto You. Please help me to not freak out when things occur but to go to You and seek Your wisdom on a matter; to walk in faith, belief and trust that You have created me to be Your daughter and You love me and will instruct me on how to be a wife and mother. Please help me to set the tone in my house in the natural and the spiritual so that I may be beloved, blessed and praised by You, my husband and my children. Thank You for my family - both spiritual and natural. Thank You for my mothers, both natural and spiritual! Above all, thank you that I was chosen as Your Daughter! In Jesus' Name, Amen!

This Day! Are You Ready?

2011-04-28T12:34:00.000-05:00

Today, the Word the Lord led me to was Matthew 18. I highlighted the parts that spoke to my heart this morning (see below). The Word of God is sharper than any two-edged sword. He used His Word to cut straight through to issues that I must focus upon in my walk! Current things in my life right now.

Have you opened your Bible today? Did you seek His face and His heart? It takes but a moment.

Did you turn the TV or Radio on today? How long did that take? Did the news tell you to take an umbrella? Did they tell you to prepare for the coming storm? Are you taking heed of this warning?

Do you know that the Creator of All - God Almighty has a word for you this day. It might be a warning, it might be a word of Hope and Love. It could be all. Did you stop to turn on His Word in your life?

Today - are you any different from yesterday?

Guess what?!? I am different today! Did you know that? Well, I am. God spoke to my heart last night. He filled me with His Word, His Love, His peace. He showed me a life lived for the Kingdom of God is surely a mighty force against the iniquity and sorrow of this world.

Today, I was more armored up then yesterday. Today, I was more prepared.

You see the world went on with one less soldier for the Kingdom of God today. However, it was through the death of this faithful one that I saw what God had been trying to minister to me. I'm slow sometimes - I have to see the same thing a couple of different times to get the message. (Like the guy on the news says high winds - but I didn't catch the rest of the message. Then the next news announcer says torrential rain. I'm getting that it might be a gloomy day. So when the lady comes on five minutes after the hail storm struck - I hear TORNADO Warning - and finally get a clue. I have a habit of turning the channel before I get the whole message. Praise GOD that He knows that and as I work to STOP walking like that - He gives me grace by allowing me to hear and read what it is I need to know!!).

I am ever thankful for the Word of God. I am so thankful for the bold saints that have gone before me. I am joyous at a FAITHFUL Father that bent down to whisper a word of love to me through the Holy Spirit. I am thankful for a Savior, Jesus that intercedes on my behalf (I so need it!). I am so thankful for Him. I am thankful that He gave a man like David Wilkerson a public platform that would reach nations with the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I thank God that it was through this man's obedience that God confirmed my call in 2003. I thank GOD that He used the same man to wake me from my fear yesterday and minister the same word again that He told me on my bunk in Alderson in the middle of the night in 2005! I thank God that yesterday, in 2011 - He had me reading a devotional by Patsy Clairmont so that I would have a specific word from Nehemiah on my heart. For when I got word Reverend Wilkerson had died in a car accident I felt led to listen to one of His sermons online. It spoke the same Words God has been speaking to me at each of those previous moments in time. I got it, LORD!!! Thank YOU!!!!

I pray that today, in your life, you experience the Power of God. I pray that you bend your knee to His throne and surrender your ideas of perfection, your ideas of this life - and You rejoice in HIM wherever He has placed YOU! I pray that it doesn't take 7 years for you to get it. I pray that you have ears to hear the first time! I will pray for you today!

Matthew 18

The Greatest in the Kingdom of Heaven

¹ At that time the disciples came to Jesus and asked, “Who, then, is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?” ² He called a little child to him, and placed the child among them. ³ And he said: “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. ⁴ Therefore, whoever takes the lowly position of this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. ⁵ And whoever welcomes one such child in my name welcomes me.

Causing to Stumble

⁶ “If anyone causes one of these little ones—those who believe in me—to stumble, it would be better for them to have a large millstone hung around their neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea. ⁷ Woe to the world because of the things that cause people to stumble! Such things must come, but woe to the person through whom they come! ⁸ If your hand or your foot causes you to stumble, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to enter life maimed or crippled than to have two hands or two feet and be thrown into eternal fire. ⁹ And if your eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to enter life with one eye than to have two eyes and be thrown into the fire of hell.

The Parable of the Wandering Sheep

¹⁰ “See that you do not despise one of these little ones. For I tell you that their angels in heaven always see the face of my Father in heaven. ^[11] ^[a] ¹² “What do you think? If a man owns a hundred sheep, and one of them wanders away, will he not leave the ninety-nine on the hills and go to look for the one that wandered off? ¹³ And if he finds it, truly I tell you, he is happier about that one sheep than about the ninety-nine that did not wander off. ¹⁴ In the same way your Father in heaven is not willing that any of these little ones should perish.

Dealing With Sin in the Church

¹⁵ “If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. ¹⁶ But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.^' ¹⁷ If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector. ¹⁸ “Truly I tell you, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven.

¹⁹ “Again, truly I tell you that if two of you on earth agree about anything they ask for, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven. ²⁰ For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them.”

The Parable of the Unmerciful Servant

²¹ Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?”

²² Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times^.

   ²³ “Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. ²⁴ As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand bags of gold^[h] was brought to him. ²⁵ Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt.
   ²⁶ “At this the servant fell on his knees before him. ‘Be patient with me,’ he begged, ‘and I will pay back everything.’ ²⁷ The servant’s master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go.
   ²⁸ “But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred silver coins.^[i] He grabbed him and began to choke him. ‘Pay back what you owe me!’ he demanded.
   ²⁹ “His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay it back.’
   ³⁰ “But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt. ³¹ When the other servants saw what had happened, they were outraged and went and told their master everything that had happened.
   ³² “Then the master called the servant in. ‘You wicked servant,’ he said, ‘I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. ³³ Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?’ ³⁴ In anger his master handed him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed.
   ³⁵ “This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother or sister from your heart.”

Preparing Myself

2011-04-14T19:29:00.007-05:00

After that I heard what sounded like the shout of a vast throng, like the boom of many pounding waves, and like the roar of terrific and mighty peals of thunder, exclaiming, Hallelujah (praise the Lord)! For now the Lord our God the Omnipotent (the All-Ruler) reigns!

Let us rejoice and shout for joy [exulting and triumphant]! Let us celebrate and ascribe to Him glory and honor, for the marriage of the Lamb [at last] has come, and His bride has prepared herself.

She has been permitted to dress in fine (radiant) linen, dazzling and white--for the fine linen is (signifies) the righteousness (the upright, just, and godly living, deeds, and conduct, and right standing with God) of the saints (God's holy people). Revelation 19:6-8

This is a season of preparation. My children are preparing to be baptized. My daughter is turning twelve this month. My sons are also having birthdays within a month of each other. Our youngest son, Power, will be turning nine and Builder will be eleven. We have birthdays to plan and we also are having a wedding.

Our wedding.

Thirteen years ago I met my husband. Within months I got saved and we got married. We eloped. We decided on a Monday to get married that Thursday. I got the marriage licenses, found a Christian Pastor in the Yellow Pages, and asked two college friends that I had not seen in years to be our witnesses. We all arrived at a local rose garden. We didn't even get married by the roses - instead we said our vows right next to the parking lot! (Not a lot of preparation went into that decision!)

Much has transpired in these last 13 years. By God's grace we have overcome the enemy's attacks on our marriage and our very lives. We've held on for dear life many a day on this journey, yet, I sit in awe of God's faithfulness. He has spent the last 13 years preparing us for every new day! You could say that we've had a 13 year courtship because only now am I fully seeing the picture of what it means to be a Bride. Even more amazing, I know God has spent the last 40+ getting us ready to be His Bride.

So I am excited by this season of preparation. Not just for the temporal things in the natural, but the eternal things that are having an impact on His Kingdom. I am excited at this: She has been permitted to dress in fine, radiant linen, dazzling and white--for the fine linen signifies the righteousness of the saints - her upright, just, and godly living, deeds, and conduct, and right standing with God.

I am struck by how each day He shows me that I am His Bride. Day by day, I grasp a little bit more of who I am in Christ. He is faithful and so gracious! I look forward with expectancy to that day when each of us will stand together before Him as His pure and spotless Bride.

And as a witness of our amazing God - I look forward the bright, warm June day when I will be blessed to put on a natural garment of fine linen and stand before my beloved husband and friend as we renew our love for God and one another. And this time, we will be standing by the roses with family and friends!!

Transform - not embarrass

2011-03-27T20:26:00.000-05:00

How God is so faithful. First - let me say that Words have POWER. If you say that you hate something, sooner or later, you will greatly dislike it and come to believe that you hate it. If you say that you cannot do something, most certainly you will not be able to do it. And if you commit something to God, and believe by faith that He is in it - He will be there - maybe not with your expectation but surely with His will and perfection.

So, I was struggling with writing. I stopped after Chapter 8. Didn't give up but confessed that I was struggling. I didn't want to do it anymore. It hurt a lot. It made me realize what a mess I had been. So that hurt worse.

I said something to my twin sister about the book. She couldn't get past the 2nd chapter. She shared with me why - and that caused me to be so grieved. It was all about opening up old wounds. The last thing I wanted to do was embarrass or hurt my family a second time. And even worse, I didn't want to share the ugliness of what I was before Jesus and then the trials that came after.

The thing was - I didn't want to be transparent. For all my lessons I've shared on living a transparent life - I did not want to share the yuck of it all. Even if in sharing that yuck - one could see the GREATNESS of God.

So I sort of tabled my book. I removed the entries from this blog. I opened the blog back up to public viewing - and while not quitting I certainly tabled it. I didn't want to disobey God - but I certainly didn't like how the book was coming. To put it simply it hurt. And I like to avoid pain so tabling worked, sorta!

So, this morning, my twin sister called to tell me about the guest speaker at church this morning. He was sharing about faith, about being a TRUE disciple and follower of Christ. She said that he said something like you have to know that the Bible is true, because if one of us had written it we certainly would have removed all the embarrassing things - like James not believing that his brother, Jesus, was the Savior, the Christ. Like Peter not believing God and being admonished. Like the fact that the disciples being scared and God using a woman to make a point because they weren't willing. Had a man written the Bible - in his own power - he would have removed the embarrassing things, the stupid things.

So - let me say that I have done some really stupid things...but God was gracious to be there in spite of my mess. He was gracious to forgive me and use those things to change me. So, by sharing the truth of what our Awesome God did in our life, I pray that others may come to a saving knowledge of Jesus Christ. I pray that no person is embarrased by what I write, but that God can use it to further His kingdom. There should be no shame, no blockage, no impediment, no embarrassment in God's amazing power to transform us, circumstances and lives for His Will and Glory.

Thank You Lord, for ministering to me today. Thank You for ministering to my sister that I love so much and would never want to hurt or embarrass!! Thank You! May my writing bring You glory!

Suzanne

On my heart

2011-02-24T08:23:00.001-06:00

There are some things on my heart. This will probably a longer post. I was reading in the Word today about being tossed to and fro and committing your ways to the Lord.

On my mind has been the idea of backsliding. It is a real prospect as it is spoken about in the Word of God. I've had friends who backslid. Circumstances occurred and for whatever reason (disappointment, rejection, frustration, anger, unforgiveness) they turned from the race. They stopped running or they just turned around and started walking back into captivity (through their hands up and headed back to Egypt!).

So, what does this have to do with me?! I felt like while I didn't turn away I have definitely slowed my pace and become somewhat complacent. I cannot live in the past glory of what God did in my life. I am assured and full of peace that HE radically changed me and did a MIRACLE!

But here I am now and I am unsure where I am headed. I feel a lot of tossed emotions. I get excited and then dead. My dad was a bit manic depressive - undiagnosed but having lived in that environment I know what it means literally. And to a degree that is how I feel. That freaks me out. I'm not that but it sure seems that one minute I'm sure of where I am headed and then I get blindsided by something I didn't expect and I get confused and disoriented. That grieves me.

So I was reading Proverbs 2 today. And His Word promises that if we seek Him and His understanding, knowledge and wisdom - His truths - He will keep us!

Yes, if you cry out for insight and raise your voice for understanding,
    ⁴If you seek [Wisdom] as for silver and search for skillful and godly Wisdom as for hidden treasures,
    ⁵Then you will understand the reverent and worshipful fear of the Lord and find the knowledge of [our omniscient] God.^(A)
    ⁶For the Lord gives skillful and godly Wisdom; from His mouth come knowledge and understanding.
    ⁷He hides away sound and godly Wisdom and stores it for the righteous (those who are upright and in right standing with Him); He is a shield to those who walk uprightly and in integrity,
    ⁸That He may guard the paths of justice; yes, He preserves the way of His saints.^(B)
    ⁹Then you will understand righteousness, justice, and fair dealing [in every area and relation]; yes, you will understand every good path.
    ¹⁰For skillful and godly Wisdom shall enter into your heart, and knowledge shall be pleasant to you.
    ¹¹Discretion shall watch over you, understanding shall keep you,
    ¹²To deliver you from the way of evil and the evil men, from men who speak perverse things and are liars

Where the concern for backsliding comes in is the fact that I feel misdirected. I know that I am NOT searching/seeking for His Wisdom like fine gold and silver. I'm not. I have repented for that.

There is much on my heart. Much worry. And I am striving in this leg of the journey to press through all the emotions. To press through the pain in my heart and the fear. I pray and seek Him on these matters. I read His Word and it flows through my heart and mind. And yet - I am stuck like on this treadmill running or even just crawling and I look around and I've gone nowhere - but to some degree - maybe steps back. That grieves me so much.

So, when I look back in my mind and think to myself - how could that person possibly have back slid - I see now that it is a SLOW fade. And I remember I don't remember hearing any of them crying out HELP. So I am committed to NOT turn - so I'm crying out for PRAYER!!!! Please pray. I thank you.

¹⁸ I have seen his ways, and will heal him;
      I will also lead him,
      And restore comforts to him
      And to his mourners.
       ¹⁹ “ I create the fruit of the lips:
      Peace, peace to him who is far off and to him who is near,”
      Says the LORD,
      “ And I will heal him.” (Isaiah 57:18-19)

2011 Acts of Faith

2011-01-03T13:17:00.000-06:00

This is a brand new year and a more narrow focus for our life and family. As a result, my blog is changing. I'm not sure what it will look like in its entirety but mostly it will be geared towards writing. My previous blog post shared what the Lord had ministered in regards to writing a book.

Thus, my blog will be my place to do that. I know that I could write in a journal or on my laptop - but two things occur with that:

I perpetually misplace my notebook that is my journal. I carry it with me and then it ends up lost for a week or two. In the meantime I end up writing my thoughts and heart in my Bible or on the back of an envelope. Somehow that might not be too valuing to my heart or the Lord's. So - for the book aspect - the blog works perfect.
Also - this is my 3rd laptop in 4 years!!! I'm not the best at backing up files - and so writing the book on the laptop and saving it on the harddrive - may result in loss of work. So this way - it is saved out on the world wide web. But with limited readership. I blocked readers that haven't participated actively in my walk as a Daughter Of The King. Whether I read your blog or you read mine - that is why you can still access this. I pray the Lord will allow you to give me godly feedback!!!

So - we'll just step some more in faith and begin!! Lord, help me!!

God is There!!

2010-12-31T00:11:00.000-06:00

This is the first day of the rest of my life.

Well - not really and yet really!!!

Some monumental things have been going on in our lives. First, let me share some things.

I am NOT a risk taker
I am a people pleaser by training
I don't like to disappoint myself or others
I generally don't like to be the center of attention nor am I an extrovert
I don't like to fail - so I don't generally start things without understanding everything...

To write what is on my heart and mind would take an ENTIRE book. So - I'm trying to be concise - which in all reality is something that is HARD for me to do too. Every post I write is usually over the 420 character rule on facebook and I have to delete words, change "and" to "&" and sometimes I even add the rest of my thoughts in the comments section. So prayerfully stick with me!!

Two weeks ago - on a Saturday morning - the Lord ministered to me to quit my jobs. I'm a homeschool mom and wife - and those were not the jobs God was talking about. I also worked for my sister's company as well as a very good friend's company. What I'd been doing was acting as a Gap Stander - doing book keeping, data entry, writing and marketing. So - as I prayed - I undeniably heard the Lord minister that I was to stop doing those jobs. So, I prayed and asked Him to confirm. He did. So I quit as an act of obedience.

Now - let me say that this was a HUGE faith moment as my little income was helping us to pay bills. My husband is in construction and the market has been a little slow in our area. He was a little shocked when I shared that I had quit. (Let me explain that when I told him this news - I'd committed my act to God but I'd only "quit" in my heart in prayer - I had yet to tell Pam and June that I was no longer working as a contractor for them.) But then he prayed and wrapped his brain around this - it took a day or two.

Then on Tuesday, he got a phone call regarding a HUGE project. When he saw what God was doing he turned to me and said - this is why the Lord said to quit. You walked out in faith - and the Lord met you.

Let me back up 7 years to September 6, 2003. I sat in a jail cell having just been arrested. It was a first in my life!! I'd just watched my children taken away to be placed in the care of Social Services. My husband was also arrested. The bottom of our very existence had just fallen out. In an instant - EVERYTHING was taken away.

On a cement floor - I knelt and did the one thing I knew to do - I cried out to God. It wasn't the first time I'd called on the Name of Jesus. I had gotten saved 5 years before after He SUPERNATURALLY answered my prayer that if He was real to please save me. He came and He most assuredly saved me from death, destruction and eternal hell. He had walked with me those 5 years leading up to that Fall day! I'd grown much in my walk - so of course - I called out to Him in prayer.

And He came and met me in that cell just as He did to Peter and Paul in the New Testament. And He spoke great and mighty things to my heart. He comforted me about my children. He ministered to me about my walk. He spoke to me about my calling. And He gave me tangible things to grab ahold of.

It was there in that jail cell that I began my journey to an INTIMATE, personal RELATIONSHIP with the Living God of the Universe. (We all have been called to have an INTIMATE walk with the Father through Jesus Christ and the power of the Holy Spirit!). I'd walked with Him - just not INTIMATELY. I'd followed Him - just not passionately - not in pursuit! I'd gone to church. I'd read my Bible. I'd prayed. I'd believed. It was just that I was NOT His Bride. The Word of God says that we are the Bride of Christ. That we are to prepare ourselves for Him. That we are to leave the world and cleave to Him. That we are to be ready for the day when He returns for us. I was not ready. He was gracious to come and show me how unready I really was!!

So in that very cold, very hard, very alone cell - He spoke His Word to my heart. He reminded me of His Truth! And then He ministered some things that I was to do.

He ministered to fast for 40 days!
He ministered that I was to go to trial.
He spoke these words: Two and 1/2 Years.
He said I would write a book.

I began that very day my fast. It lasted 40 days. God supernaturally kept me. I ate no food - I only drank as that was what I felt He led me to do. And in the Spring of 2004 - I went to trial. It was the hardest thing I'd ever done in my life. They offered to drop every charge against me - but only if I would lie (agree with their case) and testify against my husband. My husband begged me to take their deal. He did NOT want me to go to prison. I was facing the United States Government - and everyone was terrified - including me. But God had spoken to me in that jail cell. Our Pastor had counseled me that God's Word said the TRUTH WOULD SET ME FREE!! I clung to that scripture. I clung to ALL of His Word. Throughout the days, weeks and months leading up to that - God grew us up! All of us. God did AMAZING things during that time. My dad got saved. I had no part in that - but GOD did! That was miraculous as my dad was hardened by life and had rejected every person that had tried to tell him about Jesus and salvation. But one day - He prayed with my brother-in-law David and God did something supernatural to my dad. A man that hardly ever forgave: He forgave something that was probably the most devastating thing in his 70+ years.

When everyone including my own family and husband had thought maybe I'd lost it for turning down the deal of a lifetime - God was there with me. The week I went to trial - God was there with me. When I was found guilty of one charge and acquitted of the second charge, God was there. The day they told me I would go to prison for 21 months - God was there! The day my dad died - God was there! It was 10 months after my arrest, 4 months after my conviction and 2 weeks before I went to prison - God was there! When I walked into the gates of FPC Alderson in the mountains of West Virginia - God was there! When I awoke every morning away from my husband, my children, my mom, my sisters, my brothers, and my family - God was there! When I left Alderson right before Christmas - God was there! He was not only there - He had fulfilled His Word and PROMISE - THE TRUTH HAD SET ME FREE!!! I walked out of those gates - FREE. I was not just free in my body - but FREE in every part of my being.

By the time I was reunited with my children - It had been TWO and a HALF years! It took me a long time to see that God had fulfilled even that part of what He ministered in the jail cell. And God is so Awesome - There were 3 people with which I had immediately shared what God had told me in the jail - my husband, my mother and my older sister! How like our God to make sure that there are witnesses to His promises being fulfilled!!! Amazingly - my husband was release 2 1/2 years after I was reunited with our children!! When He and I were reunited - it was 5 years to the day that we had held hands in a US Marshall Station after having been arrested. For some odd/God reason - they put us in a cell next to each other - and we used that time to just pray!! Our God was there every step of the way!!!!

Thus, today is the first, second, third....fourteen thousandth seven hundred and something day of the rest of my life - and I'm beginning the next part of what God ministered. It appears that I am writing a book. And I have no clear idea what He wants me to say other than what He wants me to say! So - I share all of this for clarification on my earlier posts on facebook! I share this for I need lots of prayer. I share this because God is AWESOME and He does NOT lie and He hears your prayers and He loves YOU!! I pray that this blows the doors off of wherever you might find yourself in captivity - and you step out in faith that HE is there right with YOU just waiting for you to call on Him!!!

NO!

2010-12-11T12:27:00.002-06:00

The Lord said NO this morning to something. I was sad for a bit. It was something I REALLY wanted to do. Something in my mind that would be so valuing for the Kingdom of God. (Do you smell a hint of pride?). Yep - I actually felt like that. In reality - it was something that I felt would give me value - make me feel better about me. Twisted thoughts! So, as I prayed about a plethora of things this morning - He ministered a lot of NO's to me.

Right amidst that - my youngest son came and asked to get on my computer. The answer could have been yes. But he hadn't made his bed, brushed his teeth, taken a shower or done the things he knew needed to be done first. And if he got on the computer, he'd lose himself for a couple of hours - and he would still be in need of a shower, his teeth would not get brushed until bed and his bedroom would have been out of order. Most of all, he would have put his wants and pleasure ahead of what was supposed to be first. It would have been a missed opportunity for him to focus on long-term habits that he will need (like not smelling, being clean and having teeth - not to mention obedience!!). So the answer I gave was NO - with a simple reminder of what he needed to do first!

So, my Daddy told me NO too! My desire to do this thing I so wanted to do NOW - it isn't in God's will for this time. I obviously have things to do first!! Things that will be for His long-term purposes and my long-term benefit! The answer may not be NO for forever - but NO for now - for this season. I think Abba is trying to teach me and prepare me for the NOW and thus the future - and it has to be the way HE wants, when He wants. I don't want to walk around dirty. I don't want to walk around making/having messes. I don't want to walk around without any teeth (spiritual teeth!!). I don't want to walk in disobedience!

The best thing is that I know His ways are PERFECT. He has a perfect plan and the NO is so that His perfected plan will be in place. And the things that He is saying YES to - well I just know those are for His glory and are PERFECT as well.

So Lord - thank You for saying NO to your daughter today! I love you Lord. Thank You for loving me first!!

Death For Life

2010-11-30T00:39:00.001-06:00

Death is around us a lot recently. I write the word "death" on purpose. It has come to be an ugly word. But is it? The tree looks to die - when the leaves turn colors and fall off the branches. Yet the tree lives. The acorns that fall to the ground - and get trampled underfoot - seems to have lost its purpose - but is totally fulfilling what God meant it to do.

I sit thinking about memories in my own life. My grandma playing rummy with me at her red kitchen table while we ate Pringles and shared a 7Up. My grandma teaching me to make cleaning and work fun. My grandma always having chocolate chip cookies just for us when she came to visit - they were PERFECTLY cooked - chewy in the middle and crunchy on the outside. My grandma that wore Elizabeth Ardon and had the softest skin. She lived to be over 96. She walked into the arms of Jesus.

My dad wearing overalls and making us girls learn to change the oil and even the tires at that - we had to know how to take care of our vehicles. My dad walking around the pond with me when my twin sister was days away from her wedding - checking on me to make sure I was okay. My dad teaching me to draw trees and a barn - still the only thing I know how to draw that actually looks like it is supposed to look. My dad who accepted the Lord Jesus as Savior - just 10 months before he went home to be with Jesus!

My best friend John in college. He had a smile that could light up a room. He would willingly give of his time to help anyone in need. He was without a doubt the nicest guy I knew in college - a defender of the weak - a fighter in all that he did. He had a work ethic that was non-stop. He was active in everything you could be in college. Then cancer went and touched him. Lymphoma. He fought until the end. He was a good young man. He fought and loved unceasingly. He wasn't religious. He dabbled in darkness. While he had so much in this life - we both missed the most important part of this life during that time. He died. I live knowing!

So in the last 48 hrs - 2 others have been affected by cancer. Many more that I do not know are battling it as well. One - a young girl in her 20's - knew the Truth and she walked assuredly into the arms of Jesus as she passed from this moment in time to the next. The other, a woman in her 60's doesn't know the Lord. She was devastated to learn she was in stage 4 of inoperable cancer. She said she just wanted to get on with it. Whatever it is?!

I'm grieved tonight. In the last 3 months - I've known 3 people to die - not 3 unknown people I read about in the paper - but Leslie, Rita and Lindsey. Only ONE professed Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior.

I believe the Bible to be the infallible Word of God. I know it to be true because time and again God has shown the evidence of its truthfulness to me in this life. I may not get it all - but I believe ALL of it.

It says that if you call on the Name of Jesus Christ - you will be saved. Almost 13 years ago - I did just that. I was in the darkest of darkest pits and He saved me - and I did NOT deserve His salvation at all! But He came into my darkness and rescued me. He has daily set my feet on His solid Rock. I am who I am today because of what He did in my life. I am assured that I am saved and I know to Whom I belong. When I breathe my last breath upon this earth - I will be greeted in Heaven - present with HIM in that very moment.

So as I think of Eva tonight - who is struggling to breathe and live the last moments of her life here on this earth - I think - who will stand firm and tell her about Jesus? I pray that the Holy Spirit of God is able to move and draw her near to Him in these last days, hours and minutes. I pray for her salvation. I pray for the salvation of her daughter and family. He was gracious enough to meet me and save me in my darkest hour - and He will do the same for her. So I pray for her heart and mind to receive Him as He ministers by His Holy Spirit to her this early a.m.

God is a just and fair God. He loves her more than I could ever think or imagine. He loves you. He did not make cancer - sin did. He and He alone knows what transpired in those last hours of my friend John's life. My prayer has always been - before I even knew Jesus - that God saved him. It isn't mine to know - but with Lindsey, with my dad, with my grandma - I know they knew Jesus as their Lord and Savior. I have the blessed assurance of knowing that they entered into the Kingdom of Heaven and are rejoicing with the Angels before the Throne of Grace. Absent from the body - present with the Lord!

So, do you know Jesus? Not the name. Not the story. Do you KNOW Him? If you don't or you think you don't know what I am talking about - just ask Him to let You know Him. And then trust and believe that He will do the rest.

Religion won't save me. Mohammad and Buddha aren't going to save me. Joseph Smith cannot save me. Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, Peter and Mary cannot save me. But the Bible says -

God sent His only Son, Jesus, into the world to live a perfect life and to pay the penalty for our sin on a cross. Romans 6:23 says, ". . . but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord." Romans 5:8 says, "But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us."

Those who want to be forgiven for their sins and live forever with God in heaven must believe that what Jesus did was good enough to pay their penalty. We can never receive salvation through our works or being a good enough person. It doesn't work that way. Goodness according to the world's standards is subjective! Goodness according to God's standards is unattainable except in Christ and His righteousness!

So just seek. Just ask Him. And let HIM fill out the rest. You will never know if you never asked. But if you ask - I ask that YOU mean it. Don't do it because I told you to do it - do it because you want to know!

I asked when I was 12 - but I didn't really mean it. I asked because I was 12 years old and everyone else was asking at a church meeting. Then it took 15 more years for me to realize that I finally meant it. So I asked this time in my heart - alone as I lay on my bed - asking for God to save me from the mess and to show me His Truth. He began His work then and it's been 13 years. I know that I know what God did in me!

My prayer is that not one of you - not one of us - stands before any of the dying parts of this world that will end one day - and doesn't truly know the Truth! So they can die to truly LIVE!

His Eyes

2010-11-22T14:45:00.000-06:00

Give Me Your Eyes Lord!

That is my prayer - to have His eyes. His eyes to see the situations. His eyes to see the pain or the joy. His eyes to see it ALL. And then His heart to respond or react! Lord, please help me to surrender and seek Your face, Your eyes, Your heart on all matters of life.

Abide In Me

2010-10-27T15:21:00.001-05:00

I'll have no other, for I love you only, I'll never forsake you or leave you alone...Here in your arms I'll always be, at rest in the precious love you have for me...I love you...Oh how I love you!

Dennis Jernigan wrote this amazing song titled "Daddy's Song". There are two parts on YouTube - or you can hear the entire song on Rhapsody here.

It is timely that I heard this song again today. I think the thing most important - is that the boy could very well be me - a girl. As a matter of fact - it has been at times in my life.

In John 15, Jesus says:

“I am the true grapevine, and my Father is the gardener. ² He cuts off every branch of mine that doesn’t produce fruit, and he prunes the branches that do bear fruit so they will produce even more. ³ You have already been pruned and purified by the message I have given you. ⁴ Remain in me, and I will remain in you. For a branch cannot produce fruit if it is severed from the vine, and you cannot be fruitful unless you remain in me.

⁵ “Yes, I am the vine; you are the branches. Those who remain in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit. For apart from me you can do nothing. ⁶ Anyone who does not remain in me is thrown away like a useless branch and withers. Such branches are gathered into a pile to be burned. ⁷ But if you remain in me and my words remain in you, you may ask for anything you want, and it will be granted! ⁸ When you produce much fruit, you are my true disciples. This brings great glory to my Father.

⁹ “I have loved you even as the Father has loved me. Remain in my love. ¹⁰ When you obey my commandments, you remain in my love, just as I obey my Father’s commandments and remain in his love. ¹¹ I have told you these things so that you will be filled with my joy. Yes, your joy will overflow! ¹² This is my commandment: Love each other in the same way I have loved you. ¹³ There is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. ¹⁴ You are my friends if you do what I command. ¹⁵ I no longer call you slaves, because a master doesn’t confide in his slaves. Now you are my friends, since I have told you everything the Father told me. ¹⁶ You didn’t choose me. I chose you. I appointed you to go and produce lasting fruit, so that the Father will give you whatever you ask for, using my name. ¹⁷ This is my command: Love each other.

Lord, may we forever abide in YOU. May we willingly run back to You. May we seek YOUR pruning, Your love, your ways and will! In Jesus' Name. Amen!!

Mama's Chore List

2010-10-14T17:54:00.001-05:00

I've got a thousands of little thoughts running through my mind throughout today. But, I am writing about one in particular, since I am staring at it.

I have a little office in my basement. On my wall is a home-crafted bulletin board. Pegged to it is my daughter's Chore List. This list is not just any list - it is a list with specific tasks. And it isn't for her - it is for me.

We have Lists throughout our house. I am a list maker. What we are eating throughout the week (menu), what the kids are expected to do for chores, a check-list to highlight what they accomplished and what they need to work on, and of course a homeschool list of what we are to accomplish for school.

Thus, my daughter, Princess Girl, decided one day to make me my own list. It is titled: Mama's Chore List.
She made bullet points for each item:

Pray
Make Bed
Get Dressed
Brush Teeth
Eat and Make Breakfast
Brush Hair
Clean Room
Do Work and Help Children
3 hours of computer each day if you are working on a project
Make Lunch
Play With Children
2 hours of computer at night
Love on daddy when he comes home
Make Dinner
Tuck Kids in Bed
Pray with them
Brush Teeth
Put jammies on
Get in Bed
Have Snuggle Time with Daddy
Pray
Go To Bed.

She ends with I love you, good night, don't forget to go potty and do laundry!

This list is very telling to me. I've struggled to have balance with school and my contracting work. For awhile, the Lord allowed me not to do any jobs. But alas, I continued my time on the internet just surfing or looking up things at random - rather than focusing that time on reality. Princess Girl saw that. She made certain that this time was minimized. Something she jotted at the top of the page - next to Mama's Chore List was these 3 words: And NO yelling.

Wow, to be held accountable by my 11 year old daughter. God is so gracious to give her wisdom. I have had moments over the past year that I lost my temper and yelled - at times it seemed like this was a regular occurence. It has been a prayer matter for some time. And I'd talked with my 3 children about yelling - mommy yelling. I wanted them to know that it wasn't okay and mommy was trying to change - was praying and seeking God for help. We've all seen God moving on this prayer!! (Praise the Lord!!)

I learn a lot from my children. When I'm out of order - they invariably are as well. If I am short-tempered, they get cranky. If I bicker with their dad, they bicker amongst themselves. And if I notice them back-talking - I see that as a HUGE neon light telling me that I might just be back-talking to my husband AND to God.

Sometimes, I am a slow learner, just like my kids. Princess' note - it reminds me of what is most important. Notice how she put PRAY at the start of the day and the end of the day?? That's God's wisdom for you. Plus she made sure to include the fact that I needed to play with them and love on daddy. So sweet.

Lord, thank You for this gentle reminder that has been tacked up on my wall for months! I love you and I love what you are doing in all three of my children. Please continue to be glorified in their life!!! In Jesus' Name, Amen!!

Falling In Love...Fall

2010-10-04T18:36:00.001-05:00

I have always favored Fall. The season of radical changes. Temperatures dropping, leaves falling, smells that are reminders of home and family. I have many awesome memories of fall and today I just am bubbling with recollections. Fall surely shines the light of God's glory!

I grew up in Monroe, Michigan. I have very fond memories of looking for unusual leaves for a project at Christiancy Elementary. I remember raking the millions of leaves on our block - starting at one end and making the way down to the front of our house. The leaf piles were GINORMOUS!! (My poor parents!! Thankfully, back in those days - my dad just added a little gasoline - and poof - they were gone - and we had that wondrous smell of a bonfire.)

The nights would grow shorter, but we would forever be out getting the last remnant of the day in - playing kick the can or hide-and-seek. We were an old neighborhood with tons of kids - from college age down to little pre-schoolers - running throughout backyards and over fences to find each other. Carefree. Young. Innocent.

Those moments bring me such peace. They confirm in me that the God of the Universe is completely in charge and the AUTHOR of all things!!

We are in this new season that God created. It has so many layers and means so many things! It is so illustrative of God's majesty. And on so many levels - I am experiencing a season of change just as the leaves are changing and all those on God's earth are preparing for what is to come. My words alone cannot clearly express what the Lord is doing here!!

I just love, love, love God and love, love, love Fall!!

Lord, thank You for helping me fall all over in LOVE with YOU and all that YOU create!!

God's Divine Plan

2010-09-28T22:46:00.000-05:00

I am in so awe of God. I just am in awe. Hallelujah! Praise Your Holy Name!

His ways are not our ways, our thoughts are not His! For that I am so grateful. And I for one could never have imagined what He had planned for this evening. Thank YOU Sovereign Lord for Your Divinity, Grace, Mercy and Wisdom at all times!

Tonight - I sit in wonder as I type this. I feel like putting on some worship music and praising Our KING!

I've been struggling this last week - on so many levels. It was an intense battle and my biggest opponent appeared to be me - yes ME. My mouth was so out of order - and of course, it originated with some major heart issues within me - that I couldn't get past.

Why all of a sudden was I struggling this way again? I am assured because it was TIME.-God's infinite Wisdom and ORDER of ALL THINGS!! Gracious Lord - it was painful and I failed so much.

I began a Beth Moore Bible Study, Breaking Free. Our first meeting was last week. It got ugly. The dross came to the surface. Man - am I ugly when I walk in sin. As my older sister said in regards to her own walk - there are times where you look and think: "Who is this woman? Will someone just kill her already?" That was me this last week.

Tonight we were having our second session for Bible Study. I'd done my homework each day in expectation! I'd prayerfully took that respite of an hour each day to spend with the Lord, in His Word and doing the Bible study. It was a blessed time where the flesh side of me shut up for a moment.

But as I was preparing dinner - the Lord ministered that I wasn't to go. What? I thought. I checked and rechecked what the Lord said. But, He said I was to stay and complete what was before me. I've been at my twin sister's house staying with her children while she and her husband are on a business trip. I was due to pick up their son from cross country practice, their daughter was arriving soon on the bus, dinner was on the stove and I'd had it all planned out. As soon as they were fed - I would leave them and my kids for a couple of hours and go to the Bible Study. I'd even gotten the all-clear from their parents to go - their oldest son is in Middle School. But as I finished up preparing everything for dinner - the Lord said - No, you shouldn't go.

I was disappointed and thought perhaps the reason was the drive time - One hour each way - and then two hours for Bible Study - I'd be gone for 4 hours. Perhaps, that was too long to be gone without supervision. So, I wrote the Bible Study leader to let her know I was unable to come. I told the kids the change in plans. I got everyone back to the house and we sat down to eat dinner. We worked on everyone's homework together. I'd even saved my kids homeschool math for when their cousins did their homework so they wouldn't be a distraction. Then everyone got to play for awhile.

At 6pm - when I would have been leaving to head out - my older sister called to see if I was getting ready to go to Bible Study - I'd talked to her about some of my struggles throughout the week and we'd been praying for each other. I shared that the Lord said not to go. So we visited for awhile and she shared an awesome devotion by Charles Spurgeon (which I will share in another post!).

Later, my nephew asked me to help him study for his social studies test. He was studying the formation of the colonies. Many of the points were on religious freedom. He asked me a question regarding what the Quakers believed. Then we started talking about religion versus relationship with God.

2 Hours later we'd covered Church of England, Catholicism, Quakers, Disenters, agnostics, athiests, unbelievers, mormonism, muslims and a host of other religious aspects to history and today. He began to ask me questions in regards to discussions he had with other 13 and 14 year old kids. We talked about so very much. Mostly, we talked about Christianity, Jesus Christ and having a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. He accepted Jesus as Lord several years ago and was baptised then.

As we were nearing the end of our discussion, I realized that this was why I wasn't at Bible Study. This discussion was really important to the Lord. It was important to my beloved nephew. It was important to me. God is amazing how He can minister to everyone at the same time - the speaker, the listener, even the little ones (my 8 and 11 yr old that came in and out of the room throughout the conversation).

One of my prayers this week was to get the focus off of me. I'd be so self-focused that it was hard to see outside what was going on in me - what I was experiencing and going through.

God graciously got the focus off of me and back where it needed to be - On HIM! Thank You Lord.

I pray this day that we will trust God for His Divine plan in our lives. I pray that we will allow Him to remove the dross and continue to burn it off of us - that we may reflect Him, In Jesus' Name. Amen.

Thank You Lord that Your ways are higher, more infinite, more profound, and more powerful than I could have ever imagined!!

Set Me Free

2010-09-22T15:06:00.002-05:00

I was 21 years old. It was a cold day in January 1992. I was on my way to an important meeting. The weather was all messed up. Kansas City was having ice storms. I was driving from Kirksville, MO. I was a junior at Northeast Missouri State University (later known as Truman State University).

We were going to be forced to spend the night just outside of Independence MO at a very dirty hotel. I was freaking out. We checked in...then we left that hotel as the weather got a little better and headed to Overland Park, KS. We spent the night in a different hotel. I had been told not to drink or eat anything. I cheated and ate some gum and drank Sprite.

The next morning was cold too. I walked up a cement walk-way. There were women standing on the side of the walkway - before the building. One handed me a pamphlet. She told me to make sure to read it.

I was numb. I kept walking. I walked into the building. It was a foggy experience. I got the paperwork to fill out. They made me go into a room and get examined. The pamphlet had been set aside - barely looked over...

A nurse talked to me. She needed to give me an ultrasound. I was numb. I said okay. They couldn't see anything on the screen so she explained that they were going to do a vaginal ultrasound. Again, "okay". She turned the screen so I could see it.

There was a baby.

The nurse made sure I could see the baby. She really made sure I saw it. I was numb. I think she asked me if I was sure I wanted to do this...

Then, they gave me a pill so that I would "relax". I waited in a cold room in just a hospital gown. There were older women talking. They were talking about how many times they'd been in rooms just like this one. They were just talking and talking. I was numb. Someone made a comment about how young I looked. Someone said it'd be okay.

I went in and they put me on a table. They had someone holding my hand explaining what was happening. She squeezed my hand and said it'd be okay.

Then they turned on the machine ...

and sucked the life that was in me out.

I walked out a short time later. We left. We drove back to Kirksville. I was numb and numb!

Soon, I stopped going to classes. I stopped living. I even moved into my walk-in closet. I tuned out the world! At one point, I ate a bunch of asparin for no real reason other than to see what would happen - I got a really bad migraine! I was numb and increasingly not very nice to anyone. I stopped talking to family, friends and even my boyfriend. I got an entire semester of F's! I ended up leaving school for awhile.

So - why am I writing this now. Because I need to - it is really important!

If you are a 21 year old kid or even a 16 year old - thinking about abortion, googling the words "what is an abortion like" or "teen getting abortion" or "what to know about an abortion" or even "how to get an abortion" or "Christian, Abortions, Help! I want my blog to show up.

If that is you - I want you to STOP for just a minute. Please!

I know that I know that it seems like there is no way out. You took the test. You've missed a period. You are freaking out. Did your mom tell you to come to her if something like this happens? You've probably seen people give up kids for adoption - in highschool. You know of people that dropped out of college because they got pregnant, right? You have seen a mom take her kid to an abortion clinic when she was 16 to end the pregnancy - and she seemed okay. People do it all the time on TV. It is no big deal, right?? I saw all of that too! But I am writing this for you right now!! Please STOP.

I ask you to do one thing - PRAY. STOP and PRAY. Even if you don't know God or you don't believe in God. I ask you to stop - just wait. Please just read what I have to say - just think about it. If you need to - leave me a comment - and I promise to respond. Just stop for a minute! No matter who you are - just stop for a second.

Let me share part of my journey. I know that we all are different - but I am writing partly because it is for you and partly because it is time for me to share this - here and now!

I ended up having 2 abortions. One in college. Then later, after I was married. After I'd had 3 children and I was in a personal relationship with God - I again made that choice. Even though deep down I saw and knew that the first one ruined me - I was at a precipice and didn't know what to do. Even though I knew that the abortion had changed me and caused me to really struggle and make some really bad choices - even though I knew all that - when thing became hard in our marriage and we were what seemed like, out of options and in a tight spot - I chose that choice again. I chose it. But this time - the consequences were even more devestating. And this time I KNEW better.

So, today, I write this - 18 years after my first abortion. 7 years after my second abortion. Profoundly changed by my choices. Damaged. Broken!

Looking back it was as if it were the story of 2 different people experiencing it - one a 21 year old college kids. The other a 32 year old wife and mother of 3. The ripples have been life-altering.

It takes time to heal from this choice: Abortion. It would be easy for me to sit, writing out

I am forgiven because I took it to the Lord.

But the fact is that I am still accountable. Those 2 choices - ended 2 lives. Those 2 choices drastically affected many lives. Both of the father's of those children (Chris and Jay) were profoundly affected! Both of those 2 decisions affected their lives, my walk, my future life choices, and especially they touched the Kingdom of God in a way that the Lord did not intend.

I sinned. I killed 2 babies. I denied others the right to grieve my choices. I exercised my right - and many grieved my choice. God especially grieved.

The greatest deceit of the enemy is that he isolates this decision. He shelters it.

There is a battle in this world. God and Satan. Life and Death. The Word of God says that satan comes to kill, steal and destroy but that God comes that we might have life and life more abundantly (John 10:10).

On that January day in 1992 and on that spring day in April 2003 - I chose to allow satan to kill and destroy. I did not choose life. Why? Because it was too scary to think about the unknown.

Would I have to drop out of college. Would I have to get married to someone I wasn't sure I loved. Would I have to tell my dad? How would I support us? What would this look like? The fact is - I did end up dropping out of school for a semester. I didn't marry the boy - but I did methodically drive him crazy and break his heart and mess him up royally as well as myself. I never told my dad - but instead I lied, and lied (I lied the rest of our relationship throughout the 13 years - until 6 months before he died - and our relationship was soiled from that point on - he never knew. {Years later - I did tell my mom and asked her to forgive me.}) I ended up having to support myself anyway and because of my emotional state I readily chose a very ungodly profession that further destroyed me. (Perhaps I wouldn't have traveled down such dark roads had I not taken such a life-altering stand.) And then - what would it have looked like? Well - to be honest - it wouldn't have been any worse than what I ended up walking - and above all it would not have grieved God - and thus perhaps God could have worked amidst all of it. I won't know because I didn't allow the Lord to work in my life!

And later - as a 32 year old - what was that about? Again FEAR and SHAME. And this time a whole lot a rebellion mixed into it all. It is too hard to explain that without delving into all the other mess we were living in at the time. But LIES fits our lifestyle at that time. And when things are built upon LIES - well it is hard to see God in anything. And I was truly listening to the author of lies and confusion. I excused it all - went and took a pill this time (somehow I was able to justify it - since then it was more like a miscarriage.). But it was still an abortion.

Don't let anyone lie and say that the "abortion pill" is okay. It is NOT. It is just as devastating. And just as grieving. The consequences of that act - anger, denial, rebellion and then captivity.

Yet even though I write all that - I must write that God has been with me when I allowed Him to come and be God of my life! He has provided forgiveness and set me on a path of healing.

Would I change my actions if I had the opportunity to do it again - now that I know what I know and I know GOD more? I'd like to say a resounding Yes. Absolutely!

I've had quite a bit of time, sitting in a jail cell and in a Federal Prison to work on my relationship with a loving, forgiving Father God. I continue to heal today. I also continue to hurt at times.

So, I began praying about this subject again as another blogger that I follow just finished a Bible Study on Healing From Abortion. You can find her here: http://leliachealey.blogspot.com/2010/09/yes-to-god-study-surrendering.html. I had been praying as she went through the study. I thought many times about how my choices affected me - and affected my walk. But it was never seemed time to write about any of it. Plus - I felt naked talking about it. And that was uncomfortable!

But now I am beginning a Bible Study by Beth Moore called Breaking Free. Today, I was reading something and praying. I read about Melody Green, the wife of Keith Green, partnering with Operation Rescue - to stand against abortion. I cried at what she wrote. And I realized that the woman that handed me the pamphlet - was someone that loved my child. The storm that the Lord sent that iced over Kansas City - was because the Lord loved my child. And the nurse that kept showing me the picture of my baby - just might have been being used by God! And maybe the Lord will use this in someone's life - and maybe this time she might just listen!

I felt I needed to write all of this and share. To take a stand. To tell the truth.

I want to be free. Free especially from anger that bubbles up out of my heart at times. Anger that spews forth out of my mouth and heart. To be free from fear - fear of the unknown - that causes me at times to make really bad choices or worse - to make no choice at all! And to finally be free from things that paralyzes me in my walk as a Daughter of the King.

I am 40 years old - and those ingredients that caused the 21 year old and the 32 year old to make those choices - well I think they are still somewhat inside of me. While I am freer and more wise than I was - I still am affected by them! And I want to be free from them!!! I want to be free so Christ can fully live inside of me!!

So, I share this in the hopes that soon I will look back on this day and testify that God set me free from all of this! Especially the things inside of me that allowed me to have not one but two abortions! And more, maybe someone who really needs to read this will "happen" upon it - read it and begin their own journey to being set free.

2010-09-20T21:41:00.000-05:00

Just wanted to share!!!

TRANSPARENCY!

2010-09-12T15:05:00.000-05:00

I sat in church this morning and the Lord graciously spoke to my very unwarranted heart. I seem to have an ebb and flow relationship with the Lord. And I don't like that! I want my relationship to stay STRONG and constant. Yet, I have this insidious, constant companion, called my flesh. So, this morning was graciously forgiving for me - as the Holy Spirit broke through the chains of my flesh and spoke to my heart.

The Lord overwhelmed me with confirmation and ministering during the pastor's message. It was beautiful. The message was on TRUTHFULNESS.

One note struck a chord inside of me - that we are to live a transparent life like Paul. That what you see on the outside should be what you are living on the inside. Further, the darkness of sin that you are struggling with should be transparent, so that it can be addressed and healed.

He said the darkness needs to have Christ's light shine upon it. That spoke volumes to me. I almost just wrote not because I have some deep dark secret sin with me - but I was convicted - it is because I DO have some deep dark secret sin within me. Sin that I battle at times - the sin of hiding from pain and confrontation and correction. The sin that says - you'd rather tune out from the world in a book or a movie/tv show. The sin that says it is okay to eat that extra piece of cake - or the entire cake! The sin that whispers to fulfill the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, the pride of life - and to ignore the quiet prompting of the Holy Spirit - that is the secret, dark, hidden sin that I fight at times! Those things that I fight and at times baloon into something larger and more insidious. Those are the things that I need to be transparent about, pray and take a stand against and shine the Light and Truth of Christ's Words upon!!

While those don't seem so sinful they are just that - sin! And there was a time that it was much worse - the hidden secret of who I was or who I wasn't. The sin of secrets. The sin of lies. The sin that was slowly eating me alive...until I met Jesus. Until I was saved. Until I was set FREE! Now - it is about the continual revival that God is doing. The refining fire that He does. So I will be more like Him and His image.

But what does it take to be transparent?

Trusting God for the outcome of the honesty
Releasing fears
Acting in faith
Not being consumed by worry
Surrendering perceptions (others and your own)
Patiently waiting
Allowing yourself to be refined
Realizing that God needs to do the work!
Ending the need to "cover" and/or lie
No longer creating who you are
Trusting God to mold YOU into who HE wants you to be!

Lord, help me to be transparent. Help me to stop worrying about what I am supposed to be - and just be who YOU created me to be. Help me to glory in YOU in YOU alone. In Jesus' Name. Amen!

What's Up!

2010-09-07T17:46:00.001-05:00

So -
I've been taking some time off. Quiet on the blog front...sorta.

Today, I'm writing 3 blog posts. One here...one on our homeschool blog...and the last one on a private sister blog that we've been working on together.

So, we've had an exciting summer. Turned 40. Got moved into our house totally and finished most of the major remodeling that needed to be done. Started our 2nd year of homeschooling. And realized that our SAD diet (Standard American Diet) was causing us to be unfit and ill.

Thus the need for the new blog. My older sister, younger sister, mother, and some dear friends have begun a journey to getting healthier. In order to chronicle what we find out in a better way - we created a blog. For some of us - the journey began years ago. For others, like me - it started in August.

The first thing we did as a family was to pretty much stop the use of SUGAR for 30 days in our lives. Additionally, we are doing a low carbohydrate diet. Within the first week - 2 of my children got sick with vomiting and diarrhea, one also got a terrible case of the hives. Let me reitterate - we did NOT add anything to our diet - we merely took away SUGAR and wheat/flour foods. The result was a revolt in their bodies.

They were enslaved by sugar and complex carbs. We all have been. I began researching candida and candida overgrowth. We found amazing websites that talked about how this stronghold can affect not just your body and diet but your life.

Thus, we began our journey. I'm on week 4. I've lost 16 lbs. While that was not necessarily the goal - it is an added benefit since I've gotten to 48 lbs over my ideal body weight for my height.

We've begun to educate ourselves about food. I've incorporated the lesson into our homeschooling goals. My children look at serving sizes, sugars, carbohydrates now. One of my children was addicted to anything carb - chips, cookies, mac 'n cheese and the only veggies to venture across those lips without complaint were potatoes and corn. Now he has eaten so many healthy veggies including green beans, tomatoes, peppers, and even jicama!

I'm seeing their ability to pay attention increase. I've also seen the affects of sugar and artificial sweeteners when I've okayed a snack that had them. It was not very encouraging and totally confirmed that excess sugar and fake sugar/sweeteners can and often are detrimental to our health.

I hope to post some of the great websites we've been using - but I will do that later. For now - I thank GOD for all He is doing in our lives!! He is gracious beyond measure!! Thank You Lord.

Suzanne - A Daughter of the King!

Have You Ever Been Deceived?

2010-08-09T14:02:00.002-05:00

I sit in my kitchen and type as apples are on the stove. I'm making apple butter from the apples in our backyard.

If you happened upon my blog for the first time, that sentence alone might lead you to believe that I am a homesteader or at least someone that knows how to cook.

Nope - I just know how to follow directions and I can write and I have a blog. Is it my intention to be deceptive? Nope - but I'm making a point. You cannot know the truth from one statement or even a single blog post. And in all reality - even if you read my entire blog for the last year and a half - you still don't really know me.

I'm also sitting in my kitchen listening to a sermon. The pastor is from Lee's Summit, MO. I used to attend their church when I lived there. I sometimes check in and listen to their sermons via the net. Yesterday, I checked in and listened to part one of the series he is preaching on. Today, I started part 2.

And man was I moved!! Not because I'm a deceiver - but because I've been deceived and I have been used by the deceiver to cause confusion. Why?!? Because I believed the deceiver and propagated his lies.

So - first, let me recommend highly that you listen to this message delivered by Pastor Phil Hopper from Abundant Life Baptist Church in Lee's Summit, MO. It is titled -C.I.A. Part 2 - 7/25/2010 11:00 AM
- so here is http://abundantlifebaptist.com/dlgMediaPlayer.aspx?id=1301.

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When I came home from prison and my Shekinah Glory experience - I was so on fire for the Lord and serving Him. I thought that I was going to minister to women and prisons. I was ready to share the Gospel. I was hungry for fellowship with believers that were just as passionate for Jesus as I was. I was hungry to serve. I was hungry to be used by God for His glory!!!

The Lord knew this. But so did satan - the enemy of my soul. And did he ever lay a trap for me. I got connected with a body of believers. They were doing and saying ALL the right things. They had the appearance of good all over them. And the fact is - I saw Jesus in all that they were doing. I was ready to surrender to the call God had placed upon my life. I quit my job enthusiastically to serve in their ministry efforts. I was learning and growing so much.

But see, what I could not see was where the danger was. I could not see what was strongholds in their lives. I could not see how the strongholds that I was battling (or ignoring/unaware of) could get tangled with theirs. As time went by I began to hear rumors of them and that there was sin in the camp. But since I didn't see the sin. And I knew my heart - I knew that I loved God - I figured I was okay. I knew that I'd prayed and sought the voice of God and therefore I must be safe (I was for a really short season - but then when He would warn me later - I didn't really understand the warning and I stayed...much too long.)

The rumors began to grow more and more. I began to see things that gave me and others pause - but they were quickly explained away with scripture and godly talk. Because I had really stopped studying the Word of God, I had nothing in which to compare or even battle with had I realized what they were saying was corrupt (A little leaven leavens the whole bunch). While I was still reading scriptures - I was not studying and praying to God about it the Word. The prayer time and scripture time I did have was really for the intention of sharing what we thought the Word was telling us in relations to what everyone else thought. (We were not rightly dividing the Word of God to show ourselves approved). And because of that I even began propagating some of the teachings that were contrary to the Word of God.

And while many were talking outside the gates of the ministry about the issues that they saw - they weren't telling me directly. It was coming second, third and by way of weird routes to me. My biggest problem with listening to the accusers was that all those that were raising the warning cry were raising it against me, even speaking lies and half-truths about me - and I knew my heart and my actions and that I really was ever in pursuit of the King of Kings - Jesus Christ and will of the Father. And when I tried to talk to the accusers, they were so mad about their perception of the ministry and me. And when one came to me finally I asked her why no one was willing to pray for me and with me about what they saw/heard/thought.

She and I would talk often over the next year. We took the matter before the Lord together! It was then - when the prayers for TRUTH began, that there was breakthrough. When they stopped accusing and started actually praying! When I stopped being on the defensive and started to seek the TRUTH from GOD and not any man!

As time passed, the Lord began to minister many things to me. He showed me where it went wrong. He showed me how when I stopped testing the spirits and stopped lining up what I was hearing with the Word of God - I lost the ability to discern Truth from half-truth scriptures.

When all was said and done - after much prayer, fasting and godly counsel outside of the confines of anyone who knew about or had anything to do with the ministry - I walked away. I warned those that were there of why I was leaving, I took them through what God had showed me in His Word about some of the teaching and how it was most definitely contrary to the Word of God. Some left when I did - some left later - others are still a part of the group.

The thing is that it took me another 2 1/2 years to figure out HOW I'd ever gotten into a place where I could be deceived. These last couple of years the Lord has ministered to me in His Word and through His people by His Spirit what I needed to know about my walk.

I write today to ask you to take a moment to pray and seek the face of God. Even if you don't feel you have been deceived or you think that you cannot be deceived - I ask you to pray about listening to this sermon of warning.

I ask you to read His Word and then I ask you to listen to this message of warning. I am sure He will confirm the truth in this as only He can.

God says He is TRUTH. Man - can and often times does lie. The reason I assure you this message is of God is because #1 it is based upon the Word of God and the Scriptures are NOT taken out of context #2 it exalts God and not the speaker or any man #3 Because of what I walked through I know I will never turn down Biblically Based Warnings that keep us from walking in deception.

I've walked in a time of deception and humbly submit this as a warning of how we can avoid being deceived by the enemy - whether by satan himself or by a person that gets off track - whether intentional or unintentional - and leads another down a path that doesn't lead to GOD and His Truth.

I pray that today we each follow God and seek His face, His will and His way through the Word of God and by His Spirit.

A Time To Be Quiet

2010-07-31T11:47:00.002-05:00

There is a time for all things - even a time to be quiet. I have so loved to have this blog and just write out my heart and place journey markers for myself. I began it for so many reasons - but the core comes down to something I've worked on my entire life: people pleasing.

How can a blog about me be about pleasing others? Well, it has been an outlet for me to express myself when I thought that what I had to say was not being heard. It was a way for me to document to the world that I really was homeschooling. It was also a hidden way for me to show who I really was - contrary to what the "google search" may say about the woman with my name. It just is so deep rooted and really backwards that it makes no sense at all - yet makes complete sense now that I see it!! (Isn't that a weird sentence!!)

But alas, those real root reasons have come to the surface - I've finally seen the core of it all - and praise be to GOD for that!! Now I can work on that part of my being.

The blog posts in July really opened me up. Some things I'd been fighting - they came to the surface. And by that happening, God was able to break through - and began to help me to deal with core things.

So, I feel that it is time to take a break from my blog. We are starting school this next week and things are picking up within our home. So, it is time to be quiet. I am committed to doing another Book Review on Max Lucado's book Fearless - so that will be the last post I do for awhile. I think that it is ironic that I will be ending with that topic - FEARLESS - living without fear!! Fear of others' perceptions. Fear that has held me captive for so long - and seeing that it will no longer hold me captive and propel my actions for this life.

It is a time to be quiet and to just walk out being Suzanne - A Daughter of the King!!!

The Boy Who Came Back from Heaven!

2010-07-22T00:26:00.004-05:00

This is my first official book review ever!! I have a degree in English (emphasis on Literature) but I've never done a book review on my blog. And let's be real - I don't want it sounding like my children's book reports - although I do like to write emphatically (really!!!)!

But NOT to worry (I'm praying!)!! Because first, I really, really wanted to read this book! Second, I really, really want you to read the book - and you won't if I do not convey effectively how totally awesome this experience has been for me.

I received in the mail today this book written by Kevin and Alex Malarkey. Tyndale House Publishers provided me with a complimentary copy of The Boy Who Came Back from Heaven so I could review it on my blog! I'd been awaiting the package since I read the preview and dove into the first couple of pages online!

My daughter, Princess Girl, was just as excited. We'd talked about the remarkable story that I was going to get to read. (She's in line to read it next.) I was only going to read a couple of pages this afternoon, but once I began I couldn't stop. By page 26, I was dog-earring my pages (shhh - don't tell). By page 59, I'd gotten out my red pen and was writing in it and underlining like crazy!! (*I'll come back to what was written that compelled me to get up from my comfy spot on my sofa to go and hunt down a writing utensil).

I know that I am incapable of adequately describing all that proceeds forth out of the pages of this book. That is why you have to read it! So - I'm including a link so that you can read a little more about what the publisher says and get your own copy.

But since this is my blog - and it is about journeying as a child (daughter) of the King - I wanted to share what jumped off the pages and touched me in such profound way!!

God surely uses things we could never imagine for His purposes. God's Word says

...but God has chosen the foolish things of the world to shame the wise, and God has chosen the weak things of the world to shame the things which are strong, 1 Corinthians 1:27.

There is a slang word that means: Exaggerated or foolish talk, usually intended to deceive. The word is malarkey. It is ironic how a word that man coined in the 1920's would be used by God in such a remarkable way in the 21st Century. See, the boy this book is written about has the name Alex Malarkey. And God knew that He was going to specifically choose this boy to walk a journey that would "have a national impact, bringing hope to thousands of people." Alex is the antithesis of that definition! This book is NOT malarkey as man (and the world deems) but instead is witness of God's Truth and Word. God says that He uses the foolish things to shame/confound the wise of this world. He most certainly has done that through the testimony of this family. And this story does anything but deceive! I sat and wept as I read their story!

Kevin Malarkey shares the perspective of a father who has watched his son nearly die, be in a coma for 2 months and awaken to find himself paralyzed. He says on page 59* (see I told you I'd get back to that!)

There are scientific facts and there is God's sovereignty. Surrounded by prayer warriors, I was reminded of the truth that God is not controlled by what we know.

Do you get that? God is not controlled by what we know. He is SOVEREIGN.

Kevin wrote this poem to "express the power of God" that they felt was at work in Alex:

Alex cannot walk
Jesus walked on water

Alex cannot talk
God spoke the universe into existence

Alex cannot breathe
the Holy Spirit is the breath of life

Therefore. . .

I will not look to world
But to the WORD

I will not look to my son
But to my FATHER

I will not see with my eyes
But with my HEART

I will not fall victim
To the prison of circumstances

I will worship my God
And abide in his hope

Let it be...

AMEN - So be it!!

Alex went to Heaven. He was in the presence of God Almighty. He met angels. He was FULL of the Holy Spirit of God in such a supernatural way!! Alex awoke from the coma to share the Love of the Father! And Alex does share in such a PERFECT way who God really is!

God has taken them on a supernatural adventure!! He has used their journey to impact the lives of many for the Kingdom of God!!

I am humbled to have read this book. More than that, I am humbled to be a daughter of the King of Kings. I am humbled to call Alex, Kevin, Beth, and the body of Christ illustrated in this book my brothers and sisters in Christ!! I am honored to say that God used this book to touch me in ways that I so needed to happen!! For God to put pieces back together in me that had been broken by time and circumstances. And He did it on every page of this book - and on every "page" of His children's lives since the beginning of time.

Oh, we of little faith. Lord, thank You for this amazing testimony that glorifies You and points to YOU and Your Word which is infallible and never-ending!! May YOU and YOU alone continue to be our ALL. I ask You to touch the lives of every person that walked in faith to make this testimony possible. But above all - I just praise YOU. You are so Holy. You are SOOOO faithful! You are!!! I love You Lord!

Thank you Tyndale for allowing me to be a part of your blogger network. Thank you for this complimentary book that I believe and know God has used to strengthen my walk as a daughter of the King!

Tell IT!

2010-07-20T00:19:00.003-05:00

huh? 2 posts in one day?!? Unheard of here on my blog! You are lucky to read two in a week...

Okay, so did you read the first post from this evening? Here it is: http://keislingwantland.blogspot.com/2010/07/living-my-story-for-hisstory.html.

Now, so, I got curious about the book that they refer to in the contest by Donald Miller. So, I went and read a preview. You can read it too. Click here. A Million Miles In A Thousand Years.

Hilarious. Thought provoking. Full of intersecting thoughts and digressions! I can so relate.

Hence, the reason for 2 posts in one night...He talks about a story - what it is. How to create one. How to live one. I only read the first couple of chapters - since that is all I could get for free online - so while I wait on the money to appear so I can purchase the book - I think on what he wrote.

And I revisit what I wrote in response to his question, What kind of story do I want to live. While I am not going to change my answer - since I spoke from the heart - I wanted to expound upon the thoughts that are in my head at present as a result of reading a section of his book.

My friend Kristi responded to my earlier post and mentioned journey markers. She said that often we don't remember things unless we've written them down and how later we can reflect back into how they are part of the bigger picture - God's bigger picture!

I get it. I think we are so blessed by the opportunities God gives us to look back and see His tapestry - the painting He's been creating - that is our life. Sometimes, in the midst of it - the painting, the story - He allows us to a grasp a picture of the wholeness of it all.

And I think that is what I've been struggling with in part. My story got a little dull. Less action. As I've written before, we had passion, crime, prison, despair...and the Hero coming to rescue - God Almighty!! The story is dramatic when it is told. I remember each and every event that led up to what happened! the actual events are painful at times and without seeing the whole picture, hearing the entire story, devastating to remember. It is in the fullness of it all that one can see God's Divine Providence! But what a great story!!

And so - this next part of the story is harder - because it is untraveled land and it is different terrain. Instead of mountains - we have flat land. It is like the constant grape scenes and descriptions in the book Grapes of Wrath. I read it in High School. I hated reading about the rolling something or other and the soil and air quality or lack there of. I skipped like every other chapter that was so laden with descriptions...so I could get to the ACTION!!

Problem was - there was foundational truth of the story in those chapters - and I missed a lot of test questions when I skipped those chapters! I ended up having to go back and search for those nuggets to get the fuller picture.

This new part of my story, my journey isn't about me as much as it is about others. Primarily, my children and husband and a different kind of intimacy with the Lord.

After the action of prison = The visible movements of the Hand of God on my life during those times - it was hard to come home and find out I wasn't going to start the next great Revival. It was even harder to see that it was not in God's Divine plan for me to start a successful non-profit that focused on women's ministry -women coming out of prison (whether spiritual or natural).

I didn't want to listen or see what the Lord was showing me. Even when He graced me with the opportunity to see someone that was off balance focusing more on their ministry/non-profit all the while their personal life and children suffered immensely! I saw that - but thought surely I could do better and somehow the Lord could still use me to change it all in a HUGE way! (Ahhh...welcome in the antagonist of the story - pride, satan's friend!!)

While I wanted to be out saving the world and impacting the globe for eternity - Lord, let me be a missionary... - His divine and perfected will was for me to be one at home! I began such a back and forth battle.

I've been walking in rebellion ever since He ministered that my call and focus were to be on my husband and children. What do you mean submit and be a wife and mother...first? What do you mean there is no better work than to homeschool. What do you mean you are shutting doors and turning things off Lord? What do you mean you are severing ties and relationships? What do you mean by all of this?? What about all the things I've done in your name (sound familiar???).

Resentment came to my place of being. Depression came soon after. Then anger. Fear.

I heard people saying all great and kind things. I listened to the encouraging words being spoken over me. Lots of affirmation about homeschooling. Man, my older sister sure didn't get that when she blazed a trail in our family many years ago and began homeschooling. But still I refused to surrender a part of myself to the call.

Stripping it all away - it has NOT at all been what I wanted. I spoke outside both sides of my mouth (yep, God's called me to homeschool...blah...blah...blah) All the while I was listening to the other thoughts in my head!

Truth is - this is the hardest thing the Lord has brought me to. Definitely the most humbling. I'm the least equipped for this in the natural sense!

Prison was nothing compared to this responsibility. Martha Stewart asking what I'd done wrong to get me in prison - was nothing compared to my kids questions in which I have no answer. Whew!! Even talking to a woman doped up on crack who hadn't slept or showered in days and definitely seemed to be possessed by demonic forces was nothing compared to me preparing to teach my children and giving up control of my destiny!! See, I was gonna be a force to reckon with in the Kingdom of God (ahhh...more pride). Now, I'm a homeschool mom that is scared to death of the very word H-O-M-E-S-C-H-O-O-L!

The God that provided EVERYTHING on my journey out of egypt - seems incapable of providing for me as I submit to Him in obedience to homeschool!! I lived on 14 CENTS an hour and HE took care of EVERY NEED and many a want!! But where'd that faith go that He can provide the right curriculum, meet our bills for living and heal our land!! He's already done that...yet I sit in doubt, despair and a host of other YUCK!

Ugh!! I've read blog after blog about how other homeschooling families are doing it. I have researched curriculum and planned ideas. But the challenges have caused me to send out the white flag time and again in anger. I've given up so many times in my mind and even out of my mouth. Allowing the enemy to lie and deceive me about what I should be doing!!

As I read the excerpt from the book it linked up with other things God has been ministering to me. I don't know how the book ends - hopefully it doesn't say we can create our own destiny - because we cannot do it without JESUS!

But as a result of the section I read and in conjunction with some things God has been ministering and working on in me - I can see in a greater way what really has been going on within me - I think I get this really is the greatest story I've been asked to live!!

So, this day - Lord, I cry out to you and confess my inadequacies and my sin! I have no idea how to homeschool these 3 children. I don't really get all of what You have asked of me!! But I know that You have called me to walk this journey for YOU! For Them!! For ETERNITY. Help me Lord. Please forgive me for my pride, self-importance and arrogance!! Please minister - please, You increase that I may decrease. I just end up making a mess of this, especially, when I try doing it the way everyone else does it and all on my own!

This is my journey. This is my story!! This is for YOU and about YOU! Lead us. Guide us. Write it as ONLY You can! May YOU be our storyteller!! In Jesus' Name. Amen!

Living My Story - for HisStory

2010-07-19T21:29:00.003-05:00

So there is this contest. And first let me say that while many might expect to win - I have no expectation other than to write something truthful! It isn't failure or fear that has me write that - but a knowledge that the answer to what kind of story I want to live must be told closer to home than Portland. But, I loved the idea and the concept of the question. Totally thought provoking! (And hope many others think so too! Also - nothing like free marketing!! Especially because I love the idea behind the seminar. And well, I prayed about it and felt peace to write and tell many others about it too!!).

So details first: Living A Better Story Seminar! It is a conference by Don Miller. It is September 26 & 27 in Portland, Oregon. Watch the video to find out more. The website is: http://donmilleris.com/conference/

Living a Better Story Seminar from All Things Converge Podcast on Vimeo.

Question: What kind of story do I want to live?

Simple Answer: His Story! A story that brings God glory. A story that impacts eternity with ripples that last forever fulfilling His will.

Complex Answer: Where do I even start. Even as I write I have my daughter sitting next to me writing in her new secret journal about her own life story! Side-note: We really need to work on spelling - she keeps asking how to spell words we should know (oh, the failure I feel at times as her homeschool parent/teacher!!). That brings me to the heart of the matter. I would so like the life I've lived in Christ to reflect in her and her two brothers. I want to shape and mold them by the good - all that is pure and Holy. I don't want to have them experience the darkness of this world - not even the darkness of my darkness - those moments that are so hard to bare in me. I want them to love God, life, family, each other, to cherish each moment in time - to see God's hand in all and see with His Worldview and not man's or worse satan's. Yet, I know too that God has and does use the foolish things of this world to confound the wise and He's taken that which was meant for evil and uses it for His good! He's done it so many times in me!

I know the Lord has placed this time and season before me - for my story/life to be focused upon my children and husband. Thus, I so want to love. Love, not like the World, but like Jesus loved. However, I just seem to make a mess of all of this when I try it on my own. I really don't have a clue how to be a good wife let alone a successful mother. And to be a truly loving one is so hard at times - because I see the pain of the past that likes to come and whisper my name. The occasional visiting fear that knocks at the door taunting me that we may again walk down that long and winding road that led to separation, despair, hurt and ultimately prison. So, I pray daily my life will reflect that I've overcome that fear. Further, I pray that each of our lives are not scarred by the past but instead molded by our loving God that knows the future! I pray that not only TRUE love, but joy, peace, kindness, gentleness and patience radiate out from our walk and life.

A huge part and question is, have I made a difference in the life of the least of these and will I continue to do so? I know that I know it must start at home - in my own life and land. Whether it be my children, my husband, my lost brother, parent, sick mother, my sisters and brothers in Christ or even in me. Within the gates of my land we have seen prisoners in chains - addiction, anger, greed, sickness, grief, fear, and unforgiveness abounding. But I know the Lord touched us and has shown us the way to true freedom, a lasting HOPE which is in Jesus!

So, may my life song, story, walk - be a reflection of Jesus Christ! May I reflect His Story!

May I teach my children honestly and with passion. May I love and cherish my husband as Jesus loves. May my hands work diligently at whatever tasks they touch - not worrying about the actions of yesterday and not anxiously being consumed by the possibilities of tomorrow! May the words of my mouth, the meditations of my heart, and the written expression of my thoughts be pleasing and acceptable unto the Lord. In Jesus' Name! Amen!

(Should I supernaturally be chosen to win... I'd hope that God would use the Seminar and entire trip to inspire me to focus in living in each moment of today!)

Call Upon The Name of Jesus

2010-07-18T13:17:00.000-05:00

Say the Name of Jesus! There is Power in the Name. Power in the Blood. Power! Ahhh.

What a God-sized morning. Head under the covers - being tormented by thoughts and emotions. Remembering my dad in his depressive moments refusing to get out of bed. The very memory evokes a scratching with your nails on the chalkboard response within me. I hate manic moments but I hate depressive ones worse.

So, in the moment of my "moment" I got to a place where could call out the Name above all Names. Jesus!! So I cried out to the Living God. I called upon the Name of Jesus!

Later, at church, during worship - it was ALL about calling on His name. Worshipping Him - JESUS!! And I cannot express what had happened. The music pastor said - say Jesus - our warcry is JESUS!

I got it. I got it!!! My heart was crying Jesus - save me from this despair that has been creeping up within Me. Help. Change me. I was so busy trying to change myself - so hard trying to keep from being that old "me" the flesh nature - that I wasn't calling the ONLY ONE who can change anything. Our changes are but for a moment - but He changes us permanently!! Then He empowers us to "go and sin no more".

JESUS!! Praise YOU!!

A Secret Family Jewel - Potato Salad

2010-07-03T20:22:00.000-05:00

My older sister called me the other day. She asked what I was doing for the 4th of July. I told her I was hanging out at my mother's house - we were cooking out. I mentioned that we might have potato salad. Now, to some this is a normal affair...pick some up at the deli and scoop a blob of it out onto your plate. But to those of us on my side of the family - this is a delicacy right up there with deviled eggs and beans! REALLY!! (I forgive you for laughing!!)

My mother is 1/2 French. She is a well-learned home cook who knows how to make amazing things. But she worked a lot while I was growing up - so Sundays and big family event/holidays were a time for her to shine!!! We didn't have a lot of money when we were little and there were 5 kids - so food had to stretch far. The stories I could share of food being scarfed down before it got to the table and trying to ask for more would fill up pages not to mention the spaghetti stains on the ceilings!!! We never went without - but on those occasions that my mother would cook the special foods - we weren't allowed in the kitchen. I think partly because we had no interest and would have annoyed her to death and partly because it was alone time for her.

But as I said, there were 3 things that she made that we LOVE to eat. They each are simple to the rest of the world but to us...they are delicacies!!

The first is her ham and beans. It isn't soup - it is beans that have been bathing all day (6-7 hours). They cook until they are done - not soupy and not dry - is what my mom says. We all have tried to recreate this. Our spouses are not fans (only my husband likes them but it isn't at the top of his personal requests!). But all of us kids L-O-V-E them!!!

Then there is the deviled eggs. They aren't too creamy and they aren't too sweet. They are just right. They have a hint of vinegar, a dash of mustard, a couple other touches and lots of LOVE.

But the Piece de Resistance is the POTATO SALAD!!!!! So, when my sister heard I was going to my mom's house...she said - watch, observe, take notes. Now we all have a general idea of what is in it. As adults, we all have helped cut up ingredients but none of us have ever taken notes. We each have attempted it on our own - but it just never is the same.

Okay - so I took copious notes. I even took pictures!!

A key to her potato salad is that it isn't too creamy and it isn't too dry - it is just right and can be made creamier if the cook so desires. So, this is for our family recipe archives. So - if our children's children need the recipe - it is now out on the world wide web. It originated when my dad said to my mother many years ago that he'd like some potato salad. He didn't like my grandmother's, he didn't like what you could find in the stores. That was long before internet and I'm pretty sure way before cooking programs on radio or tv (lol). So she did what any good wife would do - she networked. She called her best girlfriend and asked her. That was my Aunt Paula. Aunt Paula said to call her mother, Mrs. Hicks. So, my mother did and got this amazing recipe. It has been tweaked over the years and now is down to this fine art that we all so love.

So - if you try it, if you share it...give credit to my mother Judy and to Mrs. Hicks and of course God who makes it all so possible by creating everything!!

Note: we are not professional chefs - I've never written a recipe out before on my own AND my mother does not measure anything. I wrote what I saw and what she said ... email me for further long-winded instructions!!

10 Potatoes Boiled - not too mushy - you want to be able to stick a fork through them without them falling apart. - Drain and Chill these for at least an hour before beginning the potato salad
1 1/2 stalk of celery - diced finely
4 thin slices of white onion - diced evenly
2 Hard Boiled Eggs (these need to be warm so that you can mash them easily - as they need to be mashed into oblivion!!)
Hellman's Mayonnaise - 3 1/2 TBSP
Lemon Juice - 1/2 tsp
Mustard - 1 TBSP
Relish - 2 TBSP
Salt - just a dash
Paprika - another dash

Boil the Potatoes and chill (see the instructions in the ingredient list)
Dice the chilled Potatoes - not too small that they end up being mushy and not too big - but diced evenly.

Mash the warm hard boiled eggs. The goal as told by my mother "is to mash them so fine that one does not even know that there are eggs in this recipe."

Add 2 HUGE tablespoons (you will have 1 1/2 tbsp left for later use) of Hellman's Mayonnaise (she says that this is the best kind of mayo to use for her potato salad). This goes into the eggs and needs to be mixed thoroughly.
Incorporate onions and celery into the diced potatoes mixing without mushing the potatoes.
Add Egg mixture into the potato mixture - mix well (lot of mixing here!!)
Once mixed - you are ready to add the rest of the ingredients

Add Lemon - no more than 1/2 teaspoon.
Add mustard - just 1 tbsp as this is NOT a mustard potato salad
Add relish - 2 tbsp. She said some people add pickles to their potato salad but she finds relish is a good consistency and does not stick out but adds just the right amount of flavor.
11. MIX ... MIX....MIX...MIX
Mix gently making sure to get all the potatoes that are at the bottom of the bowl to be mixed well with all the ingredients.
Check your creamy level - you will most likely need to add another 1 1/2 tablespoons of Mayo. If still not creamy go get the mayo jar and add another 1/2 tablespoon and then STOP!! Remember - this is not the creamy kind that you get at the supermarket.
Add a little sea salt. She just add a dash or two - Taste it to make sure you added enough for your liking.
Garnish with a dash of paprika on top for coloring.
Finis!!
Chill for at least 30 minutes for best taste. We are eating it tomorrow so we wrap it tightly and leave in refrigerator overnight.

Eat up - make sure that you don't eat the entire bowl as it serves 8 normal people nicely. For us Keisling's it is a great meal for 4-6!!!

I am sure the fat content is out of this world - hence the reason my mother only makes it 2-3 times a year!!

Lord, thanks for food. Thanks for recipes that comfort us and that are passed down from generation to generation. How reflective of YOU - that we share Your message of LOVE, comfort, hope, and JOY! Thank You that you created each of these ingredients! Thank You God that You blessed each of us with our mother!!

I will love You ... with all my heart, mind, strength

2010-07-02T14:29:00.001-05:00

Lord, I will love YOU with all my heart, mind and strength. That is my prayer today! Words alone cannot express what God is doing. I just cannot express how weighted down in the junk I've been. Was getting so much worse. And I was getting deeper. God He is SOOOO faithful and full of love. I cannot equate what He has done with any human words.

I just know that God is LOVE. He soothed my heart. He eased the burden. He came within me and gave me the strength to cry out - the stuff hasn't abated - but the power it held over me the last couple of weeks - it has been extinguished.

God faithfully came in like a flood - when I opened the door and called unto HIM humbly - laying down my prideful thoughts (didn't even realize I had pride in these areas - deep within me). He ministered!! He moved!!!!!!!!!!! I am in awe. I just should change the name of this blog to AWE.

Thank You Lord. You answered in Your Word - by ministering through the Bible. You answered through my sisters in Christ that I shared my struggle. You answered in the Devotion I've been doing - The Pilgrim's Progress Devotional. You answered through KLOVE. You answered through a number of people's blogs and own postings. You answered through my children. You answered in my husband by allowing things to get sorted as only you can do!!!!!!!!!! You answered through the pain of the situation. You answered by Your Holy SPIRIT. You answered by what has come before in my own life and in the lives of other believers!! YOU answered Lord!! YOU!!!

i am humbled and thank you for loving the least of these LORD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thank you Lord. Thank YOU GOD OF THE UNIVERSE. Thank YOU!! I will love you with all my heart, mind and all my strength...daily - minute by minute Lord - I am learning to love you Lord. I am loving learning to love you - although it is at times so very hard to die to this flesh, to die to my will, to surrender to YOU - I love YOU LORD and I pray that I continue to follow You and You alone o' God!!

In Jesus' Name! Amen!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

40 days to form a habit?!?

2010-06-27T18:46:00.001-05:00

I am turning $) this year... that is code for a big birthday #. The answer is easy to solve, just look at your keyboard and the numbers! Anyway... I have been inspired by some monumental things around me. First, God has been dealing with me about some things as I face each new day of my life on this earth. Second, my older sister met her target weight after being on weight watchers for a year! I am so proud of both her and her husband. They look great and feel great. They've even started running as a family which is totally cool!! They are all doing a big race next weekend. Third, my twin sister has run 2 (TWO) marathons this year. And they aren't just any marathon - they are trail run marathons...she runs in the woods and mud and mud and more woods - and NOT on a path! Inspiring!!

So, I've been praying about what the Lord has been putting on my heart. It is a big picture of taking care of this vessel that He has given me steward over. When I was in Alderson (see below post) I lost 40 lbs and was a smaller size than I was in college! I didn't try to do that - I just tried to honor God with my body including my diet and exercise. It was easier because I was in a contained environment with mandatory portion control. They definitely do NOT overfeed you there. Plus, we were forced to walk everyday, everywhere and the campus was really big. It was beautiful in those West Virginia mountains and walking was a wonderful way to fellowship with friends that did not live in the section of the building where I lived. We weren't allowed to visit each other's rooms. I also worked out everyday. But while I did all of that - I didn't commit to the lifestyle of healthy living. What I mean is that it did not become a part of WHO I was. Does that make sense?

It took nearly 4 years to get back into my current state. I don't own a scale - but I know my size and have watched it increase on a consistent basis. I see the unusual bulges that protrude at my back and front section. I avoid shorts and sleeveless clothes now. I have a limited wardrobe. But I am not just talking about a vanity thing - it is a health thing.

I want to be an example to my children. I want to make healthy choices and look at food as a fuel and NOT an entertainment - as a necessity and not a want. I want them to follow suit and have healthy living and eating be a part of WHO we are as a family and as individuals. Especially I want this for all of us - it really became a reality with my dh's health scare last week.

I've played with being healthy for a year now. I've adjusted some key parts of our life. We've decreased our sugar and salt intake by choosing different foods for meals and snacks. But it has not been a consistent priority. I feel like I've been tossed to and fro with every wave of doctrine related to the health, diet and food industry. To be honest - it is a form of REBELLION!

I've kinda struggled with rebellion on many fronts. And the lack of getting healthy and it being a part of WHO we are as servants and children of the Lord FOREVER is a core rebellion against God when I get down to the truth. I'm still praying through why and what it looks like - but I'm pretty sure it is a huge thing to acknowledge this aloud. One step further - I have even used it as a rebellion against my husband. A control thing to a degree. A blame thing too. But when I strip it all away - it is a hindrance in my walk and a stumbling block to my family. A lack of maturity if you will in my walk as a Daughter of the King.

Thus, with the inspiration of the Lord and my two sisters...I made a step as I walked tonight...after I ate way too many BBQ chips. There are over 40 days to my birthday in August. So since this is the big 4-0 (in case you'd not figured that out) and since I heard that it takes at least 40 times of repeatedly doing something to begin to form a habit - I've decided to set a G-O-A-L.

Okay - I normally shy away from stating a GOAL aloud. I think it might be an ungodly superstition to a degree. It might also be a fear of failure. However, I am going to walk by F-A-I-T-H that this is God's will for me in accordance with what He has been ministering to me. My goal is to glorify God in the following manner as it relates to health, my body and my household:

To exercise for at least 30 minutes for the next 40 days.
To eat at least 3 healthy meals a day (I sometimes choose not to eat that often)
To drink water 8 times a day - full glasses!
To play with my children outside in the heat for at least 30 minutes each day - even if it is right before bed catching fireflies or in the rain!!
To take my vitamins and supplements (I tend to not like to take any kind of pill)
To help my children make healthy food choices - especially on those days when I am tired and its been busy and it would be so easy to do a TV dinner or get fast food - that we instead eat healthy at home.
To value myself and the body God gave me and seek Him and His Word as to how this can become a matter of importance and permanency in our life!

I believe these are 7 attainable goals. I tend to try to copy other people's ways to success...but not this time. These are broad enough that I can incorporate our individual needs and schedules so that it does not disrupt our lifestyle but instead enhances it. Basically - these are the 7 priorities that God placed on my heart when I meditated on this matter!

I pray that you will pray for me. I pray that my "old man", my flesh will come under submission and DIE. I pray that this is NOT a flash in the pan - and I pray for perseverance and long-suffering and ALL the fruits of God's Spirit to reign in me that we may walk in a manner wholly pleasing and acceptable to the King of Kings and Lord of Lords!! In Jesus' Name. Amen!!

Thanks for praying for me and journeying with me today! May every day be a day to glorify Him!

Suzanne

Alderson!

2010-06-23T23:57:00.001-05:00

I know when a person googles Alderson, West Virginia - most of the hits are about a time and a place when a woman named Martha Stewart visited. Please note - if you "happen" upon my blog post - it is about GOD and not Martha... thanks for stopping by - may you know Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior and may this not be an accident but very much a move of God in your life and eternity!

So, Alderson, WV. Whenever I think of this small town, I am filled with peace and love and God-sized moments. I could share the time I spent cleaning out the old train station that is now a Welcome Center with gift shop. I could share the time I got poison sumac when I volunteered to use a weed-whacker to clean the baseball fields. I could share the first time I crossed into Alderson with my brother-in-law in the hot August heat. I remember driving through those majestic mountains with fall colors fully in bloom. I could share the beautiful splendor of watching the sun rise over the mountain or the partial lunar eclipse that happened on October 17, 2005.

But, the most precious moments take place inside FPC Alderson (Federal Prison Camp). The friends I made. The moments I spent alone in worship to my King. The love I discovered of His Word, of worship to Him. The day I wanted to step out of my comfort zone and prayed for Him to let me hear Him in worship, in my day to day life, in all. I could document how He walked me by His Spirit to hear His voice. His direction that there was Yogurt in the cafeteria (CDR) and yet it was not on the menu and had not been on the menu in days. Yet, I went down to CDR and just as I put my tray up to receive the fruit - and as I was muttering to the Lord in my head that it was NOT His voice I heard - a gal walked up with a tray of yogurt and offered me a HUGE spoonful of YOGURT!!

I could share the day I heard Casting Crowns CD - LifeSong - when Mrs. Ford handed it to me and made sure I was the first one to hear it in the chapel. The day that I knelt face-down and truly surrendered all - my children!! - to the Lord. The moment I met each of my favorite sisters that I will have into Eternity. How God hand delivered my 3 jobs to me - Chapel cleaning crew - He is so awesome to open doors that man has shut: Chaplain Walker and Mrs. Ford had dictated that no more were to be placed in the Chapel...but God...He is so FAITHFUL. Then I was part of the Library program so that I could become assistant chapel librarian. And then in the Lord's sovereignty He promoted me to the Inmate Driver position (did I mention - my time in Alderson was spent as an inmate?). I was given the privilege and responsibility to drive other inmates and staff members all over Alderson, Lewisburg, Beckley and Charleston, WV - all unescorted!!

While many think of their time in prison with shame and contempt and maybe anger - I think and remember it as a time set apart with God. A time orchestrated by the Father of the Universe for me to grow and know Him. A moment in time to be seared into me for Kingdom work! It was truly WORSHIPFUL. We called it Shekinah Glory University - for truly the Lord of Hosts - the Spirit of God was there!

I could write and write about each moment that to this day has me in awe. Faces of women that LOVED the Lord and each other. Honesty that was so transparent it would make the enemies skin crawl. The spiritual battles and maturity that took place within those walls has me in AWE. I watched evangelists bloom. I saw Bible Scholars. I listened to some of the most anointed singers and preachers and teachers who at one time were called the "least of these" and labeled by man and the government as the "worst of these" and yet God exalted them and called them by His given name for His given purpose!

I sit here tonight and stand in awe of how God could take what was meant for evil and turn it for His good.

I sit here tonight and while I have no desire to be an inmate - I have a burning desire to experience those type of moments again - where we walked as ONE body for God's Good and PLEASING pleasure - for Kingdom work.

I sit here and wonder about the ones I knew that I have no idea where they are...Margie, Cynthia, Bobbi, Misty, Sonya, Tasha, Mrs. Jackson and so many more. I pray often for the staff that blessed me in ways that they cannot imagine - Mrs. Ford, Mrs. York, Chaplain Walker, Mr. Morris (I have fond memories of prayers prayed over him - and my how the Body of Christ in Alderson prayed for you Mr. Morris - may You someday know the One we prayed to on your behalf). And so many men and women of God that entered those gates to preach and teach the Word of God to us. You too I know by name - Jim, Ruth, Virgie... my how big that list is as well!!

I pray often for those still in Alderson - the ones I know and the ones I do not know. God has truly made that land Holy Ground for those who seek Him. A place set apart for true Worship to the One True God - Jehovah Jireh, God Our Provider, Redeemer, Deliverer, Abba, Jesus, Holy Spirit of God!!

So, tonight as I lay my head down to go to sleep, I pray that those in Alderson, those who have passed through Alderson and those who work in Alderson will experience God in His fullest. I pray that they will know that He is God of the Universe. I pray that they will call upon the Blessed Name of Jesus as their Lord and Savior. I pray that each of their lives will be surrendered to the Lordship of Jesus Christ. I pray that all of us will be equipped to walk in a manner pleasing to the Lord. I pray that we will live in reverence and awe of the King. I pray that we will LOVE the Lord. I pray that we will abide in His love and obey Him and His Word. I pray that we will surrender our will and choose to desire His will for all eternity. I pray that each of them know how truly loved they are by those of us who have come before them, by those of us that walk with them, and by those who come after them. I pray that they experience God's redeeming LOVE in every aspect of their lives and being. And I pray all of this in the matchless Name of Jesus Christ. Amen and Amen!

Time To Share!!

2010-06-22T14:13:00.002-05:00

What a busy time already. I know...I know I said in my last post that I was not going to overplan and overwhelm myself with activities this Summer. However, I think I have a beacon that blares out calling on things to do.

So, I begin with the 8,000,000,000 tree sprouts in my yard that I addressed on Friday. They are now down to about 80. Yah!!

My husband got a forced physical on Sunday! Yep - we went to World's of Fun for Father's Day. They all went on their first ride - and my dh decided to enjoy the festivities with the children! He came off the roller coaster pasty white, dripping with sweat, nauseous, dizzy and with tingling in his hand and a twinge in his chest. Normally very healthy - after 30 minutes of not recovering, I called first aid out to him. Our day was scrapped ($54.00 for one ride!! We had been blessed to get us all in at a discounted rate because we attended with friends who have season passes). He and I ended up at the ER. 3 hours later they informed us that it was ride-induced vertigo! Dear WOF, could we please have a refund? The blessing from God is we know from the EKG that my husband is heart healthy. We now know that he does not have brain damage as evidenced by the CT scan. We were blessed to spend some QUALITY time together - although most of it I was praying and/or crying. And, we will be receiving a grand bill since he is a contractor, self-employed, and we cannot afford insurance at this time. BTW - no more roller coasters for him!!

Also, I began another blog. Yep - that makes 3 now. This one will be for those helping an aging loved one move to the Kansas City area. In essence, it is basically a resource guide for those who need assistance here locally. I know it will evolve, as this blog has. I began it because we were talking about assisting my mother-in-law with moving to Missouri. And I began to think about the amount of research that was going to take and I was frustrated that I could not find all the answers in ONE place. However, she prefers to stay in Oklahoma. I contemplated closing the blog but then realized that we don't know what time will tell AND there are others who are faced with this situation everyday! So the blog continues.

And - I signed up to review books. I am really excited about the possibility of this opportunity. First, I love to READ!! And I love to read FREE books!! And I have children that are homeschooled and as a WAHM who is on a limited homeschooling budget - there is always the possible opportunity to get books that my children can use for school! I'll write more as I know more. If they choose me, I will feature them on this blog. (Update: Tyndale chose me as a reviewer!! So excited - the first book is on its way!!).

To add more to my schedule, I am going to possibly be a mentor for women coming out of jail/prison. I am excited about this - the orientation is on Saturday. It is with the Turn Around Program. I will make a decision after the orientation. Praying that if this is what the Lord would have me to do, I will know. I am already working with a prison ministry program as a volunteer web designer and have friends active in prison ministry throughout the US - who I'd love to partner with if that is God's will. As I've written before - I would love to partner and help everyone...just pretty sure that is more Suzanne and not so much the Lord.

Thus, I've shared. I tend to be a feast-or-famine type person. I either pack it all in or do nothing. I prayed about that this morning: that my time, my energies, my pursuits line up with God's will and what He would have me to do. I share because I'm in need of some prayer and some encouragement. I thank you in advance!

Thank you for journeying with me today!! May God lead each of us to share, each of us to pray, and each of us to obey Him in all that we think, say and do, In Jesus' Name. Amen!

Suzanne

Summer!

2010-06-18T16:06:00.004-05:00

Whew! Summer is upon us. I just checked the temperature in the house. It is 79 degrees.

What a wonderful time of year. I'm not overly fond of HOT, but I love the children being able to be outside! I have wonderful memories of growing up in Monroe, Michigan.

Catching fireflies. Playing Kick the Can as dusk set in. The Lemonade Stand that sold crackers and cheese, all my mom's Reader's Digests and of course poorly blended, watered down Lemonade! The pop-up camper in our backyard that became our secret club and hosted many a sleepover. And of course the hot pavement on bare feet, the mud dobbers that flew at us when we got too close, the storms that unexpectedly blew in and forced us to the basement and the Ice Cream Man's truck that beckoned to us and our empty stomach as it mocked us and our empty pockets!

So - Summer! Water. Gardening. Ice Cream. Trips. Hot. Air Conditioning. Projects. Where to begin?!

The children have been playing in the sprinkler - but we have the added responsibility of our water bill now. So today...we filled up a big storage bin and they frolicked in it. We actually have a pool - I just am not sure we want to get it out as our grass is a little temperamental and sparse in the backyard. It actually seemed to go into shock when the Slip & Slide rented space on it for 2 hours. It still isn't back to its old self! So, I cannot imagine how it would react to a pool sitting on it for 2 months! And then, what does one do with all that chlorinated water at the end of the Summer? We have neighbors on all sides - and a sloped backyard...where exactly does the water go since it will be release at a quicker pace then normal rain water AND it would have chemicals in it.

And I seem to have about 80,000 little trees budding up in my ground covering in the front yard. It beckons me when I sit on the sofa in the living room. I pulled one, much to its dismay. It is deeply rooted in the ground and may take someone stronger than me and much more motivated to remove all 8000000000 of them!! (Yes, they multiply each second!!).

Oh, and I forgot to mention - I have a Summer birthday!! Yes...it is a 0 one...in that it ends in a 0. And it isn't the 30 # and I am long since past the 20. While not obsessing I am VERY aware of this mile marker. This almost half-way point in my life on this earth. It has given me much pause and introspection recently. My to do list has increased...it is in my head as I have not had the endurance to write it down. Somehow, I think actually seeing a list of what I would like to accomplish before the day in August - would actually de-motivate me. Anyway...my husband jokingly said we should try to lose 40 by 40. Ha!! I actually contemplated it for like 10 seconds. That would be a great present!!!

Anyway. I have digressed! Summer...

I think I will just step off into it without obsessing about what Summer should or could be, but instead, walking into it with all the possibilities it will be according to God! Lord - I pray that this Summer is full of God-sized happenings that point each of us to You and Your Kingdom. Whether we are doing chalk drawings or meeting the neighbors - may it be for You! And may all that we do, think and say be for Your glory!

I look forward to experiencing all of it Lord - including the pulling of the weeds in our front yard. May each one I pull out represent something that You are pulling out of our life that is displeasing to You! In Jesus' Name - Amen.

Here's to SUMMER!!

Welcome In!

2010-06-08T15:26:00.001-05:00

This is what I was watching out my front door...(they stopped to pose for me). I cannot tell you how excited we are to have a house of our own. I sat today in my living room with my mom and we actually visited.

I just am in awe of what the Lord has done. So, I thought I'd just share some pictures of how He has moved by providing us with a house.

This is Builder, Princess Girl and Power in the front yard. They have room to ride their bikes. And we have a huge backyard for them to play and romp. The are loving all of it!! Plus there is room for each of them to have a room of their own.

For the first time in 5 years - we have the leaf in our dining room table and room for all of us to sit around the table!! I've been cooking too which is always a sense of exploration to me.

Sometimes the meals are great other times something doesn't quite come out perfect. Thank God I've not served raw turkey or any such creature. Although the bread last night did NOT rise in the bread machine and seemed "raw" and that was sad to me - especially because it was smelling quite fine!!

And - we have wall praise!! "Rejoice in the Lord ALWAYS". Phil 4:4. This is write next to the front door. A little find at a local Kohl's. I just love Kohl's cash!!

The goal is to have scripture on each of the walls of the house. Coming in and going out. That we may meditate on His Word throughout our day and lives.

Now I am just trying to find my "place". There is so much room here - and I know that I need a place to call my own. To read the Bible, to write in my journal, to meditate on the Word. I've been a little lost without that for a while. Just looking for where my "prayer closet" is.

We've been quite busy with packing and moving and cleaning to fixing up the house, to moving and unpacking and straightening. So, while we've been here about 2 weeks - I have just been so busy I did not choose to spend time with the Lord amidst all of that. And while I have scripture on the wall and His Word in my house - it is a little hard to confess that it is like He is looking in from the outside waiting for us to invite Him in.

Lord, I am so sorry for allowing the blessing of the home to get in the way of my personal relationship with You. Please forgive me. Welcome in! Please be Lord of our home and our lives - every part and aspect of them. In Jesus' Name. Amen!

God! He's So FAITHFUL!!

2010-05-13T18:14:00.000-05:00

Today, I just want to give God glory. Not boast in anything I can do - or say - but in WHO HE is! He is FAITHFUL!!

Today, I want to share that He is as sturdy and touchable as a big red barn - that cannot be torn down by the winds of time. He is FAITHFUL!

Today, I want to minister that while we often cannot help ourselves, He is our very present help in time of need! He is FAITHFUL!

We bought a house. This is our first official house. It is in both of our names. We have a mortgage. We have interest and principle due each month. We have a yard. We have a garage. We have a living room, a family room, a huge dining room. 4 Bedrooms. Even a workshop!! Our payments are a little less then our rent on our 2 bedroom apartment.

God is so faithful!! Especially when we are not!!

Almost 10 years ago - we were homeless. Sleeping in a utility van in October and November. We finally got a place to stay - a motel room. It wasn't an extended stay room - but an actual motel room w/2 full beds. We had 2 babies - one of which was not even 6 months old. God was faithful even then - we just couldn't see it. He always made sure that we had enough. We got food from a food ministry at times. Sometimes we had enough to feed the kids and dh and I'd share what was left over. DH got odd jobs. I finally got a job - but under ungodly circumstances. God met us where we were at because He's FAITHFUL!

So, as we went to sign the paperwork - it didn't hit me. But today - it did. He's so faithful! He's so compassionate. So loving. So awesome. We were homeless and He loved us and kept us. Now - He's given more than we could thought or imagined. My mind swirls with ideas. My heart dances with gladness. Not because of the house alone - but because God is SOOO Faithful!!

We had nothing, we thought, but really we had everything we needed!! He was faithful even when we were not!

Lord, thank You for Your faithfulness. Thank You for ALL You do for us. I just am in awe and I pray that I remember always that You are FAITHFUL! I pray that who You are is written on the my heart, my eyes, and my hands. I pray that I never forsake You. I pray that I stand constantly in awe. Thank You Lord. Thank You for the retreat that opened my eyes to see You again. Thank You for the rest and respite - my mountaintop experience so that I could again rest my heart upon YOU and YOUR will. Thank You for faithful friends that raised You up and exalted YOU above all else. Lord, I love you. I thank You for the gift of this home. May it bring You and YOU alone glory. Bless the family that loved and cared for it for over 50 years. Bless their children and children's children. May we live as You call in this new place for this new season. To God be the GLORY! In Jesus' Name. Amen.

Forgiven!

2010-04-03T14:42:00.002-05:00

I'm Forgiven. That is what I woke up to running through my mind. I'm forgiven. It happened at the cross. Did you know that? Forgiven. The wrong I've done - I'm forgiven. The grief I've done - I'm forgiven. The pain I've caused - Forgiven. The worry strapped to my back - released - because I'm forgiven! When it is all said and done - I'm forgiven by the only ONE who forgives! Forgiven!

Someone wrote me an email of love the other day. It was correction on some areas of my life that they'd seen the effects of on others. I was humbled and broken at what the Lord revealed to them. And ever so grateful that they loved me enough to correct me. They exemplified Christ in their email. They shared their heart, but above all, they shared the Word of God. I was broken and grieved that I'd not seen that area of sin in my life. But ever so grateful that the Lord revealed it to me. I prayed and sought Him as to how I'd allowed myself to walk there and sin against the Lord. It had to do with self!

My prayer is to die to self. A prayer that the old man - my flesh would die and that the Lord would LIVE in all areas of my life. How humbled am I to see Him being Lord of this area of my existance!! Praise be to God.

So, this morning - Saturday! I woke up with the lyrics to Sanctus Real's Forgiven running through my mind!

I'm forgiven! The God of the Universe is so faithful to forgive us when we come to Him with a humble and contrite heart. He loves us! He created us! How wonderful that over 2000 years ago, He sent Jesus, the Son of God, to be born, live and then die on the cross so that we might each truly LIVE - forgiven, redeemed, SAVED!

Do you know that you know that Jesus Christ died for you? Do you get what that means? He took on your sin; He took on your death; He took on pain, condemnation and hell - just for you?

Imagine the person you love the most. Now think on that person. See them wallowing in pain and suffering and living that would only result in death (they might not even be a bad person - they might be a "good" one). Now imagine that you knew that no matter what they did - their eternal destiny was death and Hell! Now - imagine that you could stand in the gap for them. But it required you to suffer: to be beaten, skin shredded, ridiculed, condemned, hung on a cross, stretched out so that you could not breathe or think of anything other than the pain you were experiencing. Think about the fact that the WHOLE time you are enduring this - you know that the end result is more badness - to take on HELL. Then - it was finished! You went into the pit of Hell to face off with demons, minions, all kinds of badness and worse - Satan himself. Would you do it for the one you love? The one you just thought about? Would you give your life - all of it - for another? Including your reputation? Your family and friends? ALL?

We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even of life. Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and He will deliver us. On Him we have set our hope that He will continue to deliver us. (2 Corinthians 1:10)

The good news is - someone has already done it for the one you love - He has done it for you! Jesus paid the price. He did all of that for each of us. And then - He rose again! He rose in power and might - RESURRECTION Power! He then ascended into Heaven and is seated at the throne of Grace for each of us!

...Christ is the mediator of a new covenant, that those who are called may receive the promised eternal inheritance-- now that He has died as a ransom to set them free. . . (Hebrews 9:15)

We have been forgiven - if we choose to follow Him. If we choose to believe that He is the Son of God. If we confess with our mouth, mind, spirit and heart that He is the Lord of All. If we believe! And He did it for us! Today - is the day before we celebrate Easter. A day in which many people busy themselves with the details of Easter morning. Bunnies, goodies, church services, nice clothing, big plans - big dinners, family! And in there is what Jesus did when He rose from the Grave! The amazing part is - Saturday is just as important to this amazing Holy Week. The day before He rose - He was in the grave - standing against all forms of evil - setting the captives FREE!

When they cry out to the LORD because of their oppressors He will send them a savior and defender, and He will rescue them. (Isaiah 19:20)

Jesus!! Today we celebrate what the God of the Universe - Father, Son and Holy Spirit of God has done and continues to do. Thanks to the Lord we have freedom in Jesus Christ. Freedom to choose life over death. We have the power of the Resurrected Christ to fight off the sins of this age -- flesh, the plots of the enemy! What He did on the cross, in the grave, out of the tomb, at the throne of grace and ALL that He continues to do - every day!!!

It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery. (Galatians 5:1)

Thank You Lord God Almighty!!! May you be praised! May we understand, grasp and believe that You are the One True God! May we know that we are forgiven by You when we seek Your face! And may our lives be lived wholly in worship to You!

Appearance! WYSIWYG... or is it?

2010-03-20T15:49:00.000-05:00

WYSIWYG stands for "what you see is what you get". Of late, I have been prayerfully thinking on appearances. Here are some situations and what one can assume from the depiction.

BMW - above average salary
Big House - good job
Pool in the backyard - financially secure
Sports Club Members - time and finances to support lifestyle
Business Owner - successful
Pastor - without struggles
Church goers - walking with the Lord

Those are just a few illustrations of perceptions. The fact is - you might not actually be able to assess the reality of the person or their family based upon their car, their house, their bank acct, their title or their attendance at sporting events, school functions or even church.

We live in a society obsessed with other people's lives. People Magazine, Entertainment Tonight, Star Magazine, Facebook, MySpace, Twitter, and even the local and national news. The fact is - that is a portion of a story. The fullness is NEVER seen.

In the Gospels, we have Matthew, Mark, Luke and John sharing 4 different perspectives of Jesus. They are all TRUE. They are each different and yet overlapping at points.

My life is perceived only truthfully by ONE. God. What I see is sometimes skewed. I must seek the Lord on the reality of my situation. Not by sight - but by faith I must live.

Stuff doesn't define us. Titles don't define us. Money doesn't define us. We cannot be truly defined by any of this: There is someone who owns a nice, fancy car - yet, they are months behind on their mortgage. Another runs a successful business but their personal finances are a mess. Another is a friend and confidant to all they know, but their family life is suffering and broken. Another runs a thought-provoking and heart-moving ministry that impacts many who are broken yet their own children are often abandoned and are themselves becoming broken. A pastor who leads his flock but does not submit to the Lordship and Leadership of God Almighty in some pretty sensitive areas of their own life.

Why do we get enraptured by the affairs of man - thinking it is better than our own life and land? If you are reading this and it does not apply in your life - PRAISE BE TO GOD. I ask that you pray for all of us that it does apply to some part of our existence.

We have a family member that like to joke about having a Leave It To Beaver life. Of course, they don't. But, to outside appearances, there was a time that it seemed that they had it all together.

There is a breakdown when we make the world's standards our own. When we think that someone else has it better off than we do. When we walk in judgment and comparison. There is danger in that. Disappointment walks hand in hand with that action. Bitterness and regret are often soon to follow.

I speak from experience. The Lord has been ministering on this very topic in my life. I've been watching friends struggle in their own walks. It isn't greener on the other side. The answer is in the Word of God. The truth is God.

I pray that we each run to God to define us. That we seek His face and His heart and commands to show us who we are in Him. For that is all that really matters.

Why doesn't THIS come with an instruction manual?!?

2010-03-09T17:16:00.001-06:00

Today, I was talking about things going on in my life and I said, "If there was just a book that I could read...then I'd just read it and follow the directions."

After I said it, I realized how dumb that probably sounded. Of course, there is a book with all the answers! And I know the ONE who has all the answers!

But lately, I've been thinking: But wait, my issues aren't in there?!? The thoughts have been "How do I traverse/walk this narrow road of doing it "all" and still come out breathing?!" Well, let me be real - I believe I'm a slacker!! I just want the answers, the directions, the instructions handed over to me without having to work for it. Here is a circle, color it green, stay in the lines, put your crayon down when you are done!! Well, SUZANNE - that is milk. You graduated from that in Kindergarten!!

Big old whine coming...watch out!

So, I had a meeting today. All the way to it I was praying. Praying for current situations which were cloudy and hard to see (Ironically - it was cloudy and raining as I drove!!). I was praying about the meeting. I didn't even know the purpose of the meeting. I was confused to a degree why I'd even scheduled it. But the more I prayed - the clearer I felt. The more I thanked God for ALL - the clearer I heard Him.

See, lately, I'd been having a tough time with the Lord. Some things had happened and I'd been saddened and disappointed. The disappointment led to confusion and bitterness. I got MAD at God. I mean repent-worthy mad. Then I got mad at my husband who was actually not to blame at all in the situation. Then I got mad at my kids and began to pick apart everything right or wrong that they did. I was on a royal rampage. It would abate and then come back. I was on a rollercoaster of emotions and making myself want to throw up - if I could stop long enough to see the damage I was doing.

Needless to say, my faith walk was suffering as well. The good of it was a lot of old stuff that I'd never dealt with came to the surface and I got to look at it! The pain of it was, I hurt my family, my walk and pulled away from God. Too bad I didn't just seek the Lord from the beginning and TRUST Him!!

I share this because I'm thinking maybe some of you have been here or maybe someone might be in this place right now. And while I wish I could tell you to hit the floor and pray and say this prayer and these words and it will all get better - the fact is: He holds the answers. God knows what brought this on. He knows what will bring you OUT and Through. He is the INSTRUCTION manual. His Word is the INSTRUCTION manual! All I can say is run to Him.

I'm coming out of this bad place. I think God took what was meant for evil and is using it for His good - turning it for His glory! But I am still saddened over my failing. I pray that I have learned from this. I pray that I am stronger in my walk with Him. I pray that He will cover my actions and help my family to heal from the volcano that erupted in their life. I pray there are no scars but He takes it and uses it for His purposes.

So - I just wanted to share some of the topics that God does cover in His instruction manual - in case you didn't know:

Healing from anger
How to stop living in regret
How to not be ashamed of past choices but instead to gain wisdom and learn to make better decisions
Learning to forgive
When to put up a boundary and when to pull one down
How to get free from bondage: drugs, alcohol, cussing, wrong thinking, anger, hatred, sexual immorality... bondage is anything that holds you back from being ALL God has for you to be!!
Learn to trust God when it seems like you got nothin'
Learning to LOVE
Having PEACE
SHARING
SERVING
LIVING
DYING
and so much more...

I am just in astonishment of how God adds more and more each day. Thanks for journeying with me on the mountaintop and in the valley! May He lead you today!!

With much agape love...
Suzanne

Time to Pray and FACE the reality of what time we are living in...

2010-03-04T17:13:00.003-06:00

Please pray and watch this video!! May the Lord please direct us as a nation under God! May we listen and head His voice for the time that is upon us is only getting worse! May He lead His children in the darkest hour that is encroaching upon us.

** Disclaimer. I understand that this is a political video. I got that. I just think maybe we all should stop worrying about being politically correct and INSTEAD be BOLD in our walk for FREEDOM to obey the Lord. When the laws of the land impede the freedom of the people - with the lie that it is for the benefit of the majority/minority/ "the least of these" - but it is done not at the inspiration and guidance of the Holy Spirit of God - it is evil! May God lead each of us to seek HIM and HIM alone - not man - on the state of our goverment, our economy - our land - and our own houses/homes. I don't place this video up to show allegiance to any political party - instead I share it so that you might see another side to some of the current happenings in our land. Maybe it will spark each of us to hit our knees and prayer for the direction of the Father!

Faith. Prayer. MORE of You Lord and less of me!!

2010-02-22T20:28:00.000-06:00

A life of faith. A life of wisdom. A life sold out to the Kingdom of God.

As Hebrews 11:1 says, “Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not yet seen.”

There are some amazing men and women that have led lives of Prayer and Faith. Throughout scripture - throughout the past - throughout today!! Here are just a few whose lives have impacted my walk: JESUS CHRIST. The Prophets, Disciples, Apostles & Faithful Servants throughout the Word of God. George Muller (Mueller). Daniel Nash. Oswald Chambers. Corrie Ten Boom. Angus Buchan.

Each of these and so many more believe and take God at His Word. They believe the Word of God - from Genesis to Revelation - and until today and tomorrow for all eternity. See, they believe God is GOD. And just like Adam - they see that we can and do walk with God day by day. They are faith filled, Holy Spirit led, prayer walking children of the Living God!!

So, I've been praying about my own walk and those that walk with me. Are we seeing His fruit in all of our lives? Are prayers being answered? What about the gifts of the Spirit - are they operational in our lives? Is the Word being ministered forth from our lips and lives? Provision? Power? Love? Is He increasing and are we decreasing day by day?

The great commission says: And Jesus came and spoke to them, saying, "All authority has been given to Me in heaven and on earth. Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all things that I have commanded you; and lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age." Amen. (Matthew 28:18-20)

And He said to them, “Go into all the world and proclaim the gospel to the whole creation. Whoever believes and is baptized will be saved, but whoever does not believe will be condemned. And these signs will accompany those who believe: in my name they will cast out demons; they will speak in new tongues; they will pick up serpents with their hands; and if they drink any deadly poison, it will not hurt them; they will lay their hands on the sick, and they will recover.” (Mark 16:15-18)

I want to be more effective for the Kingdom of God. That is my desire - that I am walking out His great commission - His all!! To see His Kingdom Come on EARTH as it is in HEAVEN! For His glory to be evident for all. That He is fully moving in our lives and it is FOR HIM. ABOUT HIM.

Lord - may you move in and through me for You glory!

Grace - Part 1 of many more lessons!!

2010-02-19T22:10:00.001-06:00

Wow. What an amazing God we serve!! Where to even begin. I guess thanking HIM would be the first order of business. Lord, I just love You so very much and I thank YOU for ALL. The hard and the easy - the refining and the purifying, the blessings and the corrections that bless further than we can ever realize. Also, Lord, Your orchestration. You are All-Knowing. You are so amazing Father. I love all Your Ways Lord. I thank You for those You have created who have faithfully walked before us. They have led the way to You. For those from the beginning of time until now. I above all thank You Lord, for GRACE. Thank You for teaching me about grace. I know that this journey is continual - but I thank You for YOUR grace which is SUFFICIENT!!! I Love You God Almighty!! May You forever be glorified in and through each of us, in Jesus' Name. Amen!!

I think that the thing that God has been ministering a lot to me is grace. An old friend came by my house last week. Knocked at the door. I'd not seen him in a couple of years. I was surprised. He'd fallen away from the Lord in His walk. He'd begun to believe, teach, espouse and act in ways contrary to the Word of God. He did a lot of damage through his choices. His actions were devestating to many. He came in part to apologize. I cried. I believed him. I forgave him. I asked him to forgive me for my walk at the time - that I couldn't see how things went so horribly wrong at the time, how I took part in it to a degree, and when I realized it I FLED from the evil. Had I been more secure in my walk with the Lord, I could have seen the false teaching that had entered into the ministry and not been accountable for any of it. Maybe things could have been different. I KNOW I could have admonished in love had I been in a different place - more mature, in the Word more fully, established.

I am amazed by God's love, His grace, His forgiveness and His passionate pursuit of His children. God confirmed that he sent this man to my door. He confirmed again today, as I sat down to read a book another friend gave to me to read. The book is by Ted Haggard's wife, Gayle Haggard. Why I Stayed - The Choices I Made in My Darkest Hour. What a powerful message of God's grace, His forginess and His REDEEMING LOVE of us.

The way the book was given to me is so God. I cannot share who gave it - but it is SO God to give it to me especially since I'd just had the meeting with the other friend. And He issues in that miraculous way His invitation to grace - to forgiveness - to walk as Jesus walked!! He does it to remind us that He forgave us. It is a simple act to say "I forgive" - it is a God-sized miracle to walk out forgiveness and operate in God-ordained GRACE!
I know this for my life is an example of God's redeeming Grace, Power and Love!! He is so gracious to not have forsaken me in my darkest hour. He is so gracious to have heard the cries of my heart over and over again. As I waded day in and day out through the darkness of sexual exploitation. As I screamed out for help and disbelief that I was living such a life of sin and degradation; He heard me when I cried to be saved. He sent a stranger into the darkest pit of my existence to assure me of God's Love! The Lord heard my heart's cry. He changed me.

He has faithfully walked with me on this journey. He met me on the grubby floor of a prison cell. He spoke to me when it looked like some never would. He did not leave me. He did not abandon me. He heard my cry to know Him, to love Him, to serve Him, and to be used by Him for HIM. He has led us each day by day, minute by minute - when we cried out to Him with all truth in our heart - when we have sought His face, His forgiveness, His will and ways!!

I am free now - spiritually, naturally, gradually in all - because of Jesus Christ my savior, my redeemer. I am redeemed by my gracious, loving Father that sent His son to die for me. I am guided and comforted by the Living Spirit of God who dwells within me. I am daily healed from the darkness that was my despair. And it is all because of God who saves, restores, changes, renews!!

So, when someone comes calling to say - I screwed up - I pray that WE will forgive them. When someone reaches out and ministers God's truth to us - I pray that each of us will receive them. I pray that you grasp how awesome the Grace of God is. It is unmerited. It is freely given. It is POWERFUL! It is life changing.

The saddest part of my reading Gayle Haggard's book - the very thing GOD delivered me from - sexual immorality - I judged in her husband at the time of his darkest hour. At that time I was involved in the ministry my friend was. This ministry loved God but had also gotten off track in many ways. We heard the news about Pastor Haggard. We sat in judgment of what God was allowing to happen to the mega churches that professed to having all the answers. I must confess, I'd never heard Pastor Haggard - I did not know one thing of His walk - but the sentiment of his walk and ministry was "God lifted their skirts and exposed the wrong there!" How insane and NOT of God was that? How judgmental. How wrong! Whether there was sin or not - who was I to cast judgment?" As I read Mrs. Haggard's book, I cried at MY lack of grace. My judgment. My failure to be a vessel of God's love. I am saddened and grieved that I layed down what God did for me - delivering me from a life of sexual sin, bondage, addiction to alcohol and immorality - and instead puting myself and the ministry I was a part of in a position ABOVE another. I am so sorry! I am rightly corrected by my gracious Father. I am ashamed by that part of my walk. But even more, I am THANKFUL. I am so thankful that God has allowed me to be at this point - where I can see how screwed up I'd become. I fully grasp that He is graciously maturing me - perfecting and refining me into His Son's image.

So, to my brothers and sisters that are struggling tonight. Run to the ONE who saves, who resolves and heals. Seek the only one who redeems. Please forgive those of us who sometimes falter in our own walk of walking in God's love and grace. I now see more clearly that God's grace is sufficient!! And know that God is big enough, full of grace and love, and POWERFUL to heal anything in your life, walk and land. You are a beautiful, wonderful, precious child of God. Pray and ask Him to move in your life - I promise YOU, if you are sincere in your heart - He will move for His glory and YOU will never be the same. He will be glorified. God bless you.

Your sister,
Suzanne

Milk & Pepsi

2010-02-02T22:56:00.002-06:00

Today I asked my husband what I should write about for my blog post. However, sharing his response would not be appropriate. I can say it was "eloquent" with boyish charm and humor. And it caused me to laugh!

So I'm writing about the one who can make me laugh...the one who sometimes drives me bonkers too! My husband of almost 12 years. And, Oh!! = what a 12 years this has been!!!

I have a friend getting ready to celebrate 30 years of marriage. Can you imagine!! Congrats Windy & Michael!! My parents were married for 47 years. It was quite a testiment of Love, Perseverence and lots of grace.

As with all of my life - with our marriage - there is a story and it is definitely a tad complicated! But one thing I know is that God brought us together. The Lord said we were to marry - we just might have rushed the timing a bit!! But the Lord has kept us throughout it ALL.

So when my husband pulls out his boyish humor - I laugh because it is funny!! He can make me laugh at the wierdest of things. He can also make me madder than ...! He is multilayered. He has grown up a lot in these 12 years as have I. We are like Pepsi and Milk! Have you ever had it? Laverne and Shirley - it was Laverne's drink of choice. It is an acquired taste. I love it! Milk is healthy and wholesome. Pepsi is charged and can damage if consumed in too much quantity. But together they are quite the combination. To some - they don't make much sense. To others - they are just right! Milk & Pepsi. Yep that is us.

By the way... my darling husband worked hard all day and after adjusting my first paragraph...he headed off to sleep. Thus, he is oblivious that I just called our marriage Pepsi Milk. Shhh...don't tell.

So - tonight we watched a movie together. It was a drama/suspense type movie. I stood at the door for part of it...I'm not fond of the suspense part of the drama. For some I can cover my eyes or tell him to turn it off - but suspense - it is just that "suspenseful" part that gets me going. So I was ready to bolt. Funny thing is - he always just pauses the movie when I stop watching or I leave the room; he laughs at me, and gets me to calm down and then we watch the end. This one was a pretty good plot. I even figured out who did it first!

We compliment each other. Had we given up on what God was doing - I'd not have seen the end of the movie. It has been suspenseful at times. We've had action and adventure; passion and sorrow; humor and despair; brokenness and healing; crime and justice...and we are just getting to the 12th chapter... But with God all things are possible - He works all things out for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose - so I am standing on His Word for a GOOD ending!!

Lord, Thanks so much for everything that you have done in and through my husband, me and our marriage. Thank you for restoring what the enemy tried to steal. Thank You for being GOD of us, Lord of our lives!! I love You. Please continue to lead and guide us to bring you glory. Help my husband to not lose his fizz/zest for You. Please Lord keep me from going sour and don't let me lose the purity of Your Spirit in my life! May we be united for YOU and Your glory. May we be both refreshed and nourished for and by You! In Jesus' Name. Amen!!

Loving ALL...

2010-01-25T23:27:00.000-06:00

I have a dear friend that has been sending me emails from a woman that is in Nepal helping to build an orphanage. As she is so far away, I don't know if it is okay to share the emails. However, I feel completely compelled to write about their ministry and share one of her pictures.

The ministry is Amazi International. I am just in awe of this woman that travels to 3rd World nations in fulfillment of Scripture & God's calling!! Humbled by their faith, their ministry and their dedication to being the Hands and Feet of Jesus Christ!!

The above photo is of some street children. She writes about how they come to live on the street. I'm so very grieved. I am reminded of some American children that ran away from bad situations. But unlike, us - in Nepal it seems to be constant and an epidemic of sorts.

Can you imagine your son or daughter living on the street? Being battered and bruised, forced to endure traumatic and devestating hardship? Thrown away by circumstances beyond their control?

I am so very grieved by the fallenness of this world. I get fatigued by my own life - my own circumstances. Yet I have shelter, a bed, my loving family surrounding me. I am blessed with a husband that loves me. 3 children whom I love so very much and cannot ever imagining being separated from again!

But these young children are abandoned. But not by the One Who matters most. I pray now for this ministry that the Lord so graciously allowed me to know. I pray that these young men and women may know the One True God who never leaves or forsakes. I pray for the orphans and the laborers that the Lord has established to care, to love, to serve, to give to each of them day by day. I pray they are blessed beyond measure!

There are so many hurting and in need this night. Those in Haiti, those in Nepal, those in Afganistan, those all around the world and those here at home. I lift up the Name of God Almighty - for He is mighty to save, to heal, to make beauty from ashes. May He move in the lives of all these. May they experience His peace, love, joy, HOPE, faithfulness, healing and above all His Salvation! In Jesus Name. Amen.

2010-01-20T19:51:00.001-06:00

Wow - what a day, what a week, what a new season that is upon us. Where to even begin today. I think I might pen like a billion words tonight...just kidding - maybe only a million.

So much is going on here, well, everywhere for that matter. I am really praying about what to share tonight. As there are a lot of things and I don't want to use this blog as a "dumping ground". I am thinking a lot about individual walks.

This blog just chronicles one person's journey. The Word of God is full of many journeys and it is painted in a beautiful tapestry of Grace and LOVE and God's Truth - and most of all - it is the inspired Word of God. This blog is just my testimony of following the One True God.

I want to cry right now. Ever have those feelings. I just think that it would somehow move, heal, cleanse me.

I guess I should start where it is the heaviest (heavy in a good way / heavy in a HEAVY way). I spent a couple of hours today with 2 women missionaries from a local church. I have chosen to NOT put their church's name/type. They've been coming by my house for the last couple of weeks. I knew it was a divine appointment the first time they came. I shared the Gospel of Jesus Christ with them and the Word of God as the Gospel's testify. They gently tried to point me step by step to their way of thinking and their church's doctrine, teachings, and one of their books that they feel is a testimony of their church's walk...etc.

Anyway. I sought godly counsel at the onset of this opportunity God was allowing. I also sought prayer covering and drew even nearer to the Word of God in expectation of the next meeting. Each time they left - I'd pray for them fervently. God moved in profound ways in our conversations. I'd given boundaries that I did not want to "study" their "other" book. If they wanted to share - it would have to come from the Bible. They honored that. That is HOW I knew God was in this - and also because He'd confirmed it in other ways.

A friend gave me 2 books about this church's belief system, church, doctrine, etc. I read one that was a testimony of a former member. The other was full of scriptural truths that combatted their teachings. It was very full of meat. I read much of that - but some was so deap and I kept feeling that the Lord was going to take me into a different direction with our meeting.

I felt like I was NOT supposed to break apart the untruths of their church/doctrine/etc. Nor was I to attack them or the false teaching of their church! God is so cool in how He reaches each of us - and how He majestically ministers to us to reach others. Isn't that the truth with your own walk? It is with mine! He doesn't HIT you upside the head with what He wants you to know. He is gentle, yet firm. Patient, yet urgent. He is GOD!!

So fast-forward after much prayer and studying the Word to today. He'd ministered a couple of STRONG points from His Word that I was to make sure to note to them in our discussions. He had me anoint my house. I felt an urgency and a clarity of thought.

THEN - they arrived. I won't share specifics - but the Lord moved in me. He'd increased and I could hear His gentle urging in each step of the conversation. They asked if I had questions - I asked some. At this point, they felt it necessary to refer to their other book, not the Bible. I felt the Lord quicken it was okay. (Before their arrival - I'd asked my children to stay in the bedroom - as the Lord had ministered that this was NOT where they needed to be.) So - I prayed and asked the Lord to cover me as I gave permission for them to read from their book. They handed me an extra copy (saying they'd come prepared). One said that she'd start out reading and then we'd each take a turn reading a portion.

Now, dear readers...if you have never experienced the Lord ministering NOOOOOOO to you - well - this would be the time you might want to pray and ask Him to allow you to experience His supernatural Spirit ministering an urgent NO! I said nothing to them at that moment, even though I'd heard the Lord loud and clear - as I felt quickened to just wait until they said it was my turn. I "listened" as much as the Lord allowed. And then she invited me to read the remaining section. At that moment - I realized I was torn. I did NOT want to be an offense. Not at all. Nor did I want to DISOBEY God. I could hear the Lord saying in my spirit, "Do NOT read this ALOUD". So, I ducked my head and prayed for a moment for His Words on HOW to say what I'd just heard Him say to me. They were watching me. I so wanted them to get that the LORD was saying NO. But how could they receive that fully? They believe this book. They believe it is in fulfillment of the Word of God and supports it, not contradicts it.

I finally said quietly, "NO, I feel I can't read aloud at this time." They accepted that and the other missionary began reading aloud the passage I was asked to read. When they were done, the Lord pointed me back to Isaiah in reference to the passage they'd just read. He ministered what to say - so they were pointed to His Word. At the end, He had me read a chapter in Proverbs ALOUD. As I read, the Lord reminded me that His WORD is living and active and SHARPER than any two-edged sword, and piercing as far as the division of soul and spirit, of both joints and marrow, and able to judge the thoughts and intentions of the heart. Hebrews 4:12. GOD's WORD read aloud to them can CUT through ALL that falseness as the Lord wills according to HIS PLAN (not mine, not the enemy's). The section He had me read, well they agreed completely with it. And GOD will use that for HIS good pleasure. POWERFUL is our GOD!

An hour and a half later - they left. A lot had transpired - and all I can feel is PRAY, PRAY, PRAY! We are to serve wholeheartedly! As it says in Ephesians 6:7-8 "Serve wholeheartedly, as if you were serving the Lord, not men, because you know that the Lord will reward everyone for whatever good he does, whether he is slave or free."

They want me to convert to their way of thinking. That isn't going to happen. But my mission, my work, my walk is to PRAY, PRAY, PRAY!! My Work is to SPEAK and LIVE His TRUTH. He loves them. He wants them to know HIS truth - not mine. My truth without Jesus Christ is flawed. HIS is flawless. It is powerful. My words - my arguments - they are my words...God's way and words - they will PIERCE and SAVE as He deems!! That is what I walked away with tonight. While I wanted, in my flesh, to argue with them about the things that their church says that aren't true - that was NOT my place. At one point I even tried to do that in the conversation. They KNOW their doctrine. That is what they do as missionaries. I am not a theologian and I couldn't fight that way. For simply - if I tried I'd be fighting with my flesh against their flesh and against the enemy of their and my soul. But God - He fights against the principalities, the powers of evil, spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places. And His ways are so much more POWERFUL and ETERNAL than ours!! In that I am sure of - my very existence is evidence of that.

So while I have a heaviness to pray. I also have a renewed sense that this is a spiritual battle in which I must be covered by the Lord - full armour of God on, full of His Spirit and immersed in His Word!! But it is HIS Battle!
Wow - thank you Lord for this blog. Never before have I used it quite in this manner. I just want to cry - because this is all HIM. I love HIM so much. I cannot believe how much.

Lord, You are so gracious. I love You. I LOVE YOU!! Save us from this fallen world and the untruth of the enemy. Let us be quickened in our own walk to seek you in every area of our existence. May we commit every area to you. Especially all areas we haven't allowed you to refine - that we have not laid down. Lord, keep us. Minister truth to us. Teach us. I love you Lord and pray that this blog, my walk, my family life, my marriage, my parenting, my friendships, ALL my relationships are for YOUR will and good pleasure! I lift up the three that came today - the 2 missionary young women and the other elder woman from this church. May YOU minister to them as only YOU can. Please send workers to them - your workers that will minister YOUR TRUTH to them every day of their life. Please bind the deceptive teaching, the lies that the enemy and the generations have bestowed/cursed upon them. Lord, I am sorry for our ignorance, our rejection of your truth, our unwillingness to seek YOU in EVERY area of our life. I pray for them by Your Spirit for them to walk as YOU mandate. Lord, thank You for saving me. Thank You for walking with me day by day. Thank You for being GOD of the UNIVERSE. The only one true God - Father, Jesus Christ the Son of God, Holy Spirit!! I love You! I pray in the Name above all Names, Jesus Christ. Amen and Amen!!

Thank you if you got to the end of my very long post. May you be blesssed in all areas of your own life and walk. God bless you!

Suzanne

P.S. - I ask - if you know the church in which I write, that you would honor the tone of my blog post today. PLEASE do not attack them. Please do not name them. I do this out of respect for the LORD God Almighty - as He ministered NOT to name them on this blog. Thank you.

Uh...is popcorn a vegetable??

2010-01-19T19:24:00.003-06:00

Well...first...HAPPY National Popcorn Day!

Second...the brooding question of the day, in consideration of National Popcorn Day...is POPCORN a vegetable?

Ok..so is it?

Didn't mean to shout. It is just that I am walking a new journey and vegetables play a huge part. And well...I seem to be missing chips from my diet. Not that I ate them often - but I am a fan of the carbohydrate. Especially the ones in the form of a chip! Alas - I needed a substitute. Hence, my innocent question to my husband: Is popcorn a vegetable?

Well if it is not a vegetable ... could it be a Dessert? Really, check out this picture ... doesn't that look like a dessert?
Oops - again, apologies for the yelling! My point is - well never mind - dessert isn't even a food group; it is a course.

Well... I really did have a subject to write on and it wasn't supposed to be about popcorn. But I cannot remember what it was. So - I guess all I have to say today is HAPPY NATIONAL POPCORN DAY! Go eat some!!

And my prayer for the day! Well, Lord thanks so much for making food. I sure love it. Especially popcorn...and chips. But thank You for showing me a love for all the food you have made! May I eat it all in a godly way! In Jesus Name. Amen

Love you! Thank you for journeying with me today.

Suzanne

Joining The Many Voices In Prayer

2010-01-14T21:27:00.002-06:00

"If my people who are called by My Name will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I, God, will hear them from Heaven, I will forgive their sins and I will heal their land." 2 Chronicles 7:14

So much going on in this world. We have been reading the Left Behind Series for Children with our children as part of Homeschool. My children have many questions as we are reading these books.

We keep coming back to when.

Jesus answered: "Watch out that no one deceives you. For many will come in my name, claiming, 'I am the Christ,[a]' and will deceive many. You will hear of wars and rumors of wars, but see to it that you are not alarmed. Such things must happen, but the end is still to come. Nation will rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom. There will be famines and earthquakes in various places. All these are the beginning of birth pains. Matthew 24:4-8

The end is still to come - but we are seeing all of this unfold before our very eyes. We are hearing of it across this land and world.

As we walk through these current times, a person could become so overwhelmed and so full of hopelessness. But praise the Lord God Almighty for He is our ever-present help in time of need. So we run to Him this day with our heaviness of heart, casting every burden upon Him and surrendering our prayerful hearts to the only One Who Saves.

These are two specific prayers upon my lips, heart and mind this day.

Lord, how could we not think of the millions affected by the earthquake in Haiti. It is in fulfillment of scripture that there will be earthquakes, famine and pestilence, but Lord have mercy on your people. Deliver them. Minister to them. Heal them. Hear their cries and make them new. Take what the enemy meant for evil and please turn it for Your good and glory.
Father, there is so much false doctrine, false christs and false gods seeming to abound across this world. Lord, please forgive us. Your Word says there is a time when that which is evil will be called good and that which is good will be considered evil. That is prevalent in every nation and tribe today. But Your Word is far greater and You promise that it will not come back void - So we speak it forth today as a remembrance of Your promises - that every knee should bow and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord. Please, that not one should be lost. Please lead us as a nation to stop laying down and accepting things as status-quo and deeming them as acceptable; but instead allow us to reject all untruths spoken today and call them as they are. I specifically pray for the ones You are sending into our land here - that they may come to a saving knowledge of Jesus Christ and it may be an eternal harvest that brings You glory Father, in Jesus' Name. Amen!!

----------------------------------
As you may have noticed, I have changed my blog design quite a bit. I have a blue thing going on in my life. But not blue like sad - more like blue as in weddings...I'm getting married again...to my darling husband. See we eloped in 1998. We were married in a rose garden with 2 of my friends. Long story made short, I'd always wanted a wedding ceremony with my family and friends. So, we prayed about it and have decided to have a Jesus Party Celebration on June 11, 2011. I'm sure I'll be writing about that just a little. But I'm so excited that we can corporately celebrate what God has done in our lives and marriage!! And my beautiful daughter and I have been thinking about ideas. It is so fun!! That is where the blue comes in...BLUE just happens to be one of those ideas! How fun!!

While this is something I look forward to planning and seeing come to pass, the Lord knows what will transpire in the next 1 1/2 years. I'm just praying that every day of that time - He is glorified in our lives and land as well as in yours. May it always be about Him and His eternal Kingdom!

Thank you so much for taking the time to visit me on my journey as a daughter of the King. I pray that you experience His peace, love and joy every single day. But above all I pray, that you too know that YOU are His child. I pray that you have made a decision to follow Jesus Christ, making Him Lord of Your life. I pray that you are baptised by His Spirit experiencing Him in every area of your life. I pray that you daily walk in the fullness of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit of God. In Jesus' Name! Amen and Amen!

God bless you my friends.

Love, Suzanne

God Makes Dreams Come True!

2010-01-10T20:20:00.003-06:00

There once was a little boy by the name of *. * grew up in a really abusive home. At the age of 4 he was being repeatedly beaten by his dad. This was a house of 4 boys. Their dad was an alcoholic, their mother was powerless to stop the abuse as she often received the brunt of the attacks. At 10 years old, * was taken into custody by the state after a severe beating. The dad was arrested after attacking the boys with the slats of their bunk beds and a BB gun. Three of the boys were ultimately placed into foster homes. * was confused, traumatized and bewildered. He suffered neglect and trauma at the hands of the foster parents. He ran away repeatedly, walking miles to return to his mother. Each time, the officials would return him to the foster home, ignoring his plea for help.

One day, after a recent escape, * was picked up by the officials. When he asked where they were going, he was told home. He waiting expectantly, until he realized the car was headed in the wrong direction. * was placed in a diagnostics and evaluation center for the next 9 months. Here he was abused by not only the system but individuals on so many levels.

At the age of 11, * was placed into an orphanage/boy's home. He stayed there until he was 14 1/2. Over time, the state had returned his brothers to the mother's care. She had divorced her abusive husband while he was in jail for beating and abusing the boys. However, * was not returned. The state considered him incorrigible since he had repeatedly run away from the foster home and had not allowed the older kids at the home to beat him up, instead fighting with them to make them stop.

* had only one solace throughout his traumatic childhood. That solace was sports. * loved being active. He was very good at football and baseball. His favorite teams were the Cincinatti Reds and the Dallas Cowboys. He would NEVER miss a game!! There was many a day that * would escape into the world of football. He dreamed of being a Cowboy. Later, he would even get a walk-in spot on a college football team - briefly living his dream.

Fast forward 30 something years...* is now a grown man. He has walked a long journey to healing and wholeness. He has lost much. He has suffered much. He has gained much - including the most important thing of all - a Real Father and personal relationship with Jesus Christ!

Fast forward to yesterday. Yesterday, * was given a gift that ONLY could have been orchestrated by the One True Father - the Creator of the Universe!! * took his 2 sons on a trip down to Dallas Texas to see the Dallas Cowboys! The Lord provided the tickets in a supernatural way!

Enter * with his 2 boys. They arrive at the game, ready to witness the Dallas stadium. None of them have ever been there. * was as excited as his children; maybe he was a little more excited. * watched the game with anticipation and was enthralled. He and his two boys were probably some of the most enthusiastic and loudest in the stands. Then, one of the boys found out that a Dallas Cowboy's family was seated in front of them. The boy ventured down to ask for a signed football. The wife of the player graciously said, "maybe".

The game continued. * in awe of every moment of the game. His children were basking in the excitement of it all. None of them could possibly imagine what was about to transpire. At the conclusion of the game, a playoff against the Eagles, Dallas won!! Dallas 34 - Eagles 14. The wife of the player approached the boys and invited them to come down and get their football signed. * was in shock! The boys were thrilled. The boys and their dad, *, were introduced to the wonderfully talented defensive line man by his amazing wife. This man graciously signed the ball after being introduced to them.

But the night did not end there. They were escorted onto the field. * stood in the stadium, on the field, even throwing a ball to his oldest son. (His oldest son is just shy of 10 years old, the youngest is 7). * met several players last night. He saw grace and humility in some of the nation's most talented football players. He watched a family full of love and support reach out to 3 strangers and embrace them in a most profound way! He saw each of his boys welcomed by this player and his family. He saw a devoted assistant ensure that the boys experienced fully their time at the Dallas Stadium! He watched his children play on the field of the Dallas Cowboys. Each of them running 100 yard dashes across the field. Each totally unaware of the significance of this moment.

See, it wasn't so much about the fact they were there as much as it was HOW they got there. To share the whole story would fill a book. The summarized version is - this man, *, serves a mighty God who orchestrates all things for His glory, even the dream of a little boy when he became a man.

Lord, today, I give thanks to You for all that You do. I thank You for being so mighty to save, to heal, to move, to change. I thank You that You can and do move on hearts. I thank You that you take the foolish things and use them to confound the wise. I thank You that no matter is too small for you - even the unspoken prayer of a little boy who didn't even know you. I thank You that You saved that little boy and have begun such a mighty walk of healing and change. I thank You Lord that you judge someone not as man - but as an all knowing God. I thank You for touching the hearts of a very kind and gracious Dallas Cowboy Player's wife, her husband, their assistant and their entire family. I thank You for this player and his family's Christian walk. I thank You for His godly mother that raised such a fine boy and the amazing parents that raised such a courteous wife. And Lord, I thank You for what you did for my husband when You saved him. I thank You for every step of this journey! I thank You for how You have changed Him to be more like You, Father! Thank You Jesus for dying for each of us - and eternal life. Thank You Holy Spirit of God for moving on hearts, for guiding each of us and for filling us all in all! Thank You for You are the Way, the Truth and the Life. I thank you for my * who became my husband and has blessed me with 2 amazing boys and 1 amazing daughter! I love you Lord! I thank You Lord! In Jesus' Name. Amen!

God has called and saved one of these little ones!!

2010-01-05T16:08:00.001-06:00

This is Power. (His unofficial name - since I don't put my kids' real names on my blog). A very good friend had a word from the Lord that this child would come forth in the power of the Lord. He is 7 years old and our youngest. I seriously considered having his middle name be Power - but it doesn't exactly go with his first name. (Really - it would be horrible for him to be called ****** Power.)

So - what a wonderful day we have had today! Today as we were doing our daily devotion, we were discussing Jesus' returning - as described in Matthew. We were preparing to start another book. We are reading aloud as a family Left Behind - The Children's Series! While reading in Matthew and praying - we talked about being saved and what it means. I looked over at Power. He had his hand raised. I stopped and asked if he had a question. He looked over at me and said, "No.". I asked what he was doing - he told me that he was giving his heart to Jesus. He moved his arm up - and I saw that he had one hand raised up to the Heavens and one hand on his heart!!

At that moment - God was moving in my child - His child!! I stopped what we were doing so we could pray together. I realized at that moment that my child had already been called and chosen by God. I had not given an invitation for him to do this. I was reading God's word and sharing about the book we were going to begin. But God was moving in this boy - in POWER and His Might - not ours but HIS!

A couple of weeks ago - my other son, Builder, had prayed during the Christmas service at church that He understood that Jesus was His Lord (He'd accepted Jesus as Lord a couple of years ago). Daily working out our salvation - daily growing into a deaper relationship with Jesus Christ as Lord. Daily understanding our place in God's kingdom and how to bring Him glory. So - he turned to his dad and said - Daddy I prayed that prayer. Then he started asking about being baptised.

All 3 of my children have now made a profession of faith and prayed for Jesus to be their Lord and Savior. The next step is baptism. Other than Power, Builder and Princess Girl had accepted Jesus as Lord while their dad was away. We acknowledged Him in each of their lives - but we had not done a full water baptism (submersion). It was on my heart when they asked to wait until their dad was home. Now - each of them want to walk in obedience to God's call for baptism!

A friend wrote on my facebook wall - "They're having a party in Heaven." How amazing to think of this!!! She added this, "May he be yielded to the spirit every day of his life!". AMEN and AMEN I pray!! May each of our children be yielded to God's spirit every day!! May they live to bring God glory every day of their life - for Kingdom work!!

I look forward with such joy seeing each of my children follow Jesus - impacting eternity for the Kingdom of God. I praise God for this exciting day! And the hope of 2010 and ages to come!!

Praying HOPE, LOVE, JOY, PEACE, GRACE, and God's ALL for AJW, JJW, TJW, JCW, SMKW and you and your land! May God be LORD in every area of our lives!!

New Year HOPE for ALL

2009-12-30T13:17:00.000-06:00

I just got off the phone with a woman who works at Kansas City Catholic Charities. She is part of a program called Turn Around for those coming out of prison in Missouri. My mom is a volunteer/mentor. We got to chatting about their program. This type of program is so near to my heart. Prison Ministry/Prison Re-entry.

After my call, I jumped back on the internet to look up Senior support programs in Enid, Oklahoma. My husbands mom lives there and she is basically homebound because of injuries/sickness. We spent last week with her. She gets lonely. While she has a lot of family there (she grew up in that area) everyone is really busy with their own lives too. They regularly call and check in on her. But she cannot go to the store, she cannot sit for long periods and therefore she cannot attend church. She is in a lot of pain. It is hard on her.

Since I work as a marketing contractor for Homecare Suppliers, I thought that surely I could tap into our many resources and find a program for her. I called NODA - the Northern Oklahoma Department of Aging. They told me about their great programs - but they don't do a social program. She doesn't need meals at this time and she doesn't need a medical advocate at this time (praise God). Then, I called an area church to see if they have homebound ministry. They assured me they do and would get into contact with her. I want to call every church in Enid and get her set up with visits and phonecalls and ministry visits. But to be honest, I want to move her here - so I can ensure she gets what she needs. But she loves Enid and being near those she is so very close to. We live in Missouri - and far from those she knows - other than us.

So, as I sit here thinking of the new year upon us...I have such a burden to make a change for all those who are struggling - whether they are in prison, out of prison but struggling, those who are without a home and family, and those who are elderly and suffering from sickness, loneliness or some other kind of destitution.

If I could be used to change it all - I would willingly be used!!! I am praying as we go into this new year of 2010 for the Lord to direct me. I know that He first called me to be a wife and mother and home school parent. But then...How else may I serve the Lord?? That is my prayer that I have for 2010. May I be used by You Lord for Your Glory - In Jesus' Name. Amen!!

May each of you be blessed in this New Year! God bless you and your individual and corporate walks!

Merry Christmas...long post summation: Praise God for everything!!

2009-12-27T00:01:00.000-06:00

Merry Christmas!! I know that yesterday was Christmas. But I spent the day with my family in Oklahoma (the song Oklahoma - runs through my mind EVERY time I say it!!).

But this day is still a Day about Jesus!! it is still JESUS alive. JESUS that we celebrate every day. God whom created us. Holy Spirit who comforts and guides us. Kingdom of God exalted!! Whether it is some day man chose - or the TRUE day God chose over 2000 years ago!

So - Merry Christmas!!

So much I want to write about today. Learned a ton during this month of December. Whoo - it has been rather painful to be honest. All summed up in this: Got my eyes off the Lord...didn't spend a lot of time in His Word...and it all showed in my walk.

That is probably the hardest and most grieving part about this Christmas!!!

I began this post this morning, but now I finish it at 11:30pm. I am looking around my mother-in-laws place. My son, Builder, on the loveseat; Princess girl on the floor; Power asleep next to me on the sofa. My husband just headed off to bed as did his mom.

It has been a hard year for her. I cannot imagine walking in someone else's shoes. The choices that they have to make amidst the circumstances of their lives. I look at our life - and know that many would not have made the same mistakes, many would not have made the same choices, and some may never understand. I've been on both sides of the fence with that...judging another as well as being judged.

But I pray that today, we can look at our life and know #1 that God was there; #2 He worked it out for His glory; #3 we learned.

Like this month. Who would think I could get into the trap of busyness, commercialism and really a general fear of expectations about Christmas and presents. Trepidation and all consuming thoughts about buying gifts: do we have enough money, how can I get all my work done and still have time to do all this extra work at the holiday and then ensure that the recipient will love it. (I once made the mistake of purchasing a "cheap gift" for someone I love dearly. This person was so very offended by the gift compared to the other gifts given that Christmas. They shared their disappointment with us and educated us on how to give a gift. We failed in the gift giving category that day. I was shocked, saddened as well as a myriad of emotions!! That has never left me - and generally I am cautious about that fact when purchasing gifts for anyone outside my family (ie - anyone not born in my parent's house).

My mom and dad were unique in how they raised us - some good, some not so good. But one thing I have forever been thankful for is what they taught us about GIFTS. "Why" we give is more important than what we give".

Unfortunately, this year - I lost sight of that for a bit. I went into this season with an idea to create. It was generated by the Lord - confirmed by many sources including my Princess girl. She wanted to make homemade t-shirts for every person in the family... She got on the computer and designed each one with clipart/wordart/and pictures. Each lovingly made. She was so excited by all of it.

So I came up with a list of what I could create to bless each person we knew. But in the back of my mind was concern for people's expectations. So everytime I'd look at my list - I would add to it. Thinking I'll do this too - since they are getting homemade...like homemade wasn't good enough.

What a deceiver the enemy of our soul is. I fell hook, line and sinker for his lies. I had a bunch of projects going on at once. Homemade Christmas card - well...they ended up getting misplaced and lost and only about 1/2 of the list actually got mailed - and since my master list went missing - I have no idea who received one and who didn't!!! Then we did picture frames...1 got finished but the back broke off in the process of assembly and the other never got finished because I finally prioritized what needed to get finished. Then baking - it was last minute with mommy burning herself and extremely irritable...

I'd lost sight of why we were doing any of this. Instead of being about Jesus, about Father God, about the power of the Holy Spirit flowing through me - it was about the stupid presents!!

The Lord thankfully reigned me in many a time over the course of a 3-4 week period - but it was like "as a dog returns to its vomit."

Then there was just not enough time. Man was that a thing that I chose to be cranky about. I was totally overwhelmed. The Lord was not my rear guard because I'd gone awol in pursuit of other's expectations!

God is so faithful to not leave us. It was a hard lesson this Christmas. I wrote on my facebook status that I was a grown up now at Christmas. But it is so much more than that - I lost sight of what it all meant.

One thing I know God was in - was the idea He gave me for my mom's blessing. I'd prayed about what to make for each person. Thankfully - her gift I got clear instruction. A memory jar/box. I found the idea on the internet. I painted a jar and filled it with 365 little cards. I contacted her friends via email, facebook and any other way I could get ahold of them. Wow - that was hard!! A lot of them responded and provided notes or memories of their friendships.

I was so excited by this gift. To value my mom in a natural way - while she is still with us on this earth. The cards were beautiful and some so very funny! Great memories. Some friends she's had since she was in highschool - she is 73 now.

We gave her presents on Christmas Eve as we were heading out of town. Once she understood what it was - she read the first card. It was a funny memory from my older brother. She was hooked and told me she might just read them all that night instead of one per day for an entire year! That was so awesome!!

That is what my parent's instilled in us - to give a gift that has value that doesn't come from a dollar bill or credit card. I feel bad for the person that gets value from the cost of the gift. While there isn't anything wrong with buying an expensive gift - if you are doing that to show off, to provide value through the cost of the gift rather than the eternal value - that is wrong. That expensive gift is going to get rust, mold and/or moth bites/decayed over time - it won't last into eternity.

But the memory, the emotional valuing - the eternal reward/blessing - that will last into enternity.

(See - I told you I had a lot on my mind). . .

Anyway - so - God got me back on track. I'll share details another time.

But it was a MERRY Christmas! I learned a lot! I pray God was glorified through the learning process!

Praying today for the Burmese and the Karen people.

2009-12-18T12:48:00.003-06:00

My dear friend Clare sent me the following email and article. Please take a moment to pray for the Burmese people and the Karen people. Thank you!!!

"This is terrible. I have known about this for some years now, especially as a very close and dear friend of mine is the Secretary of Christian Solidarity Worldwide, and they have been working for years to rid Burma of the evil men who govern the country. We have had contact with a number of people who have tried to help the Kareni people, most of whom are Christians. The Burmese Government have sworn to annihilate them, and that is what they have been doing systematically over the years. This is a DREADFUL case of genocide, and sadly the rest of the world seems not to care, and certainly to do little to rectify the situation.

I must say, though, I have also heard some amazing and wonderful stories of rescue and help that the refugees entering Thailand have ben able to report! The tragedy that is the worst is the huge number of traumatised little children who are now in the camps on the Thai border, so many of them having watched their parents brutally tortured and killed, and most with no ID and no way of being restored to any of their surviving family members. We are horrified at Hitler and his extermination programs but seem to turn a blind eye to wickedness of regimes like those of the Burmese Military Junta."

KAREN REFUGEES HUNTED AND SLAIN
Mission Network News - 12/15/2009
Thailand (MNN) ― Stopping in Thailand on a recent trip, Vision Beyond Borders visited the hunted Karen people--an ethnic people group ruthlessly hunted by Buddhist and Burmese armies. VBB delivered God's Word to their contacts in closed nations. In the Karen refugee camps, workers heard horrific tales of persecution coupled with a steadfast report of faith. Burmese soldiers recently torched Karen rice fields--their primary source of food.

For 25 years, Burmese refugees have flooded into Thailand. Many refugees are minority Karen people--some of the most persecuted in Burma. Over half of the Karen are reported believers; violent discrimination is supported by the Burmese government.

"One of the generals said, 'By the year 2010, there will be no Karen people left,'" recounted VBB's Patrick Klein. The general expressed his desire "to wipe them off the face of the earth."

With elections in 2010, VBB reports that attacks on the Karen have increased exponentially.

The Burmese army captures Karen men and boys, forcing them to become slaves and porters. Karen women are raped and then burned to death. Every child in the refugee orphanage has a different tale of violence: bombs, shootings, rape, torture, murder. One girl was gang-raped and then hung upside down.

Prowling the Thai border, Burmese soldiers come into camps at night to stop cars, steal valuables, and rape Karen women. Soldiers make a game of tossing infants into the air and trying to spear the baby on their bayonet before it hits the ground.

Despite traumatic attacks and persecution, the Karen persevere in God. Orphans wake up at 4 a.m. to have devotions for two hours. They also have nightly worship.

Attempts are underway to save these Karen refugees. VBB works with several church partners and orphanage programs in Myanmar. Land farther away from the Burma border has been provided for a refugee camp, and almost all funding has been raised. Construction is ready to begin on a new facility, but Thai government approval is still pending.

Refugees have no identification and therefore can't be helped by the Thai government.

Pray for government officials to approve the safer land for a Karen refugee camp. Pray for the survival of starving Karen, and pray that VBB partners maintain sufficient food supplies.

Pray also for ministry opportunities for Karen believers to share their faith with others. Click here to learn how you can help.

I found a site that has some very specific prayer requests. The blog article was written in 2008 - but the prayer items are still relevant today! Open Doors - Prayer for Burma/Myanmar.

Also - this video can be seen on YouTube - it is put out by Christian Freedom International. http://www.youtube.com/user/ChristianFreedomIntl#p/u/4/UGTWyjuqjAA

Lord - we so love You! Please forgive us as a nation and a world. Father, as we come upon Christmas - may we thank You for what You did in sending Your Son, Jesus Christ, to live and die so we might have life and life to the full through Christ. And we thank You that we are here now - and free and able to PRAY for our brothers and sisters that are being persecuted, killed, raped, tortured - please move as ONLY You can that there is relief, resolution and YOUR perfected will accomplished. Lord, I have no idea how to pray other than to come and pray by Your Spirit for each of these...for YOU know them by name and YOU know every need. In Jesus' Name Amen!

Alpha, Omega, Referee, Light of the Lord

2009-12-13T15:44:00.001-06:00

The Dallas Cowboys are playing.  I am listening. However, my dear husband is a die-hard Cowboys fan and he and our sons are absorbing every moment.

So - the refs just called ILLEGAL USE OF HANDS on Dallas.

Hmm...isn't it nice that we have One who ministers to us when we do illegal moves - if we listen and heed His voice and commands.

But - I'm not thinking about that star team today. I'm thinking of the season that is upon us - CHRISTmas - And the star that signified the coming of our Lord and Savior! Just imagine that day!!

I'm thinking of what that STAR means in my own walk today. He is MIRACULOUS!!!
I thank Him for who He is in our lives. Lord, Savior, Emmanuel - God with us!!  What an amazing fact of HOPE. Grace. Love! That brings me such joy.

I wrote a blog yesterday. I had to leave and never published it. It was just some prayers on my heart/thoughts in my mind. I'd been praying about it - but the issues were unresolved within me. By the end of the day - I felt I was not to publish it. I wondered about that - since I'd prayed while I'd written it. Evening came and I continued to pray and went to the Word regarding the matter. I know the Lord was ministering to me - I went to sleep with peace that God was at work.

This morning at church, the Pastor spoke on the very issues that I was taking before the Lord. I LOVE when God does that!!!!!!!!!!!  He ministered straight to my heart throught His servants words. It was the TRUTH confirmed. It was confirmation that God had set loosed the captive (me) on the matters.

How beautiful is our Lord. He is more than that star shining in the sky leading the way. He is more than the ref on the sidelines stopping play to say "illegal move". He is ALPHA, OMEGA, OMNISCIENT, POWERFUL, FULL OF LOVE, FULL OF TRUE LIFE and above all - FORGIVENESS and GRACE!!

He is my LORD, my SAVIOR, my KING. Thank You Abba - Father, Thank You Yeshua - Messiah, Thank You Holy Spirit - Comfort & Guide.

Today, my prayer is that all will run to HIM and worship in SPIRIT and TRUTH. That you who happen upon this writing will know Jesus as Lord and Savior. That You will REJOICE in Him. And HE will be your All and ALL!

Princess Girl!

2009-12-04T17:46:00.002-06:00

A lot going on in our lives! Every second - something in which to say Thank You Lord!

So, I wanted to share about my Daughter - Princess Girl. She is 10 yrs old. She is so full of creativity that it blows me away!! She is writing a play. It is so very much her own. It began as a story, evolved into a play and now she and her cousins are preparing to act it out so they can videotape it.

On Wednesday night, she missed church. She was out with her dad. So when I went to pick up our son, Power, they gave me Princess Girl's Christmas gift and the craft they had done for the evening.

It was all the makings for a GingerBread House. We've never made one. The very next day - she had her masterpiece completed!! It is just beautiful. She even made an ice skating pond, fence and mailbox. She shocks me with what she comes up with when doing her crafts, art, writing, ALL. She is so totally unique! I love that about her.

Today she was struggling with math. We are learning some new things - and sometimes she gets frustrated. So - I was beginning to get frustrated myself. When God sparked something. I said, "you are done with math". I told her to get out her journal and write. Her assignment - to write about Math.

We have a sign in our classroom/living room that we made on "one of those days".

MATH

Mistakes are how we learn!

Ask For Help!

Try Again!

Have Fun!

Princess Girl used that as her inspiration to write about math. Even though she began her assignment begrudgingly, she wrote beautifully about why math is important and what MATH means. She was all smiles when she was finished, especially when she read it to me and her dad! I was all smiles too! Amazed again by how God uses her creativity to turn around the areas that are weaker. He is amazing that way! He does that all the time in my own walk!!

Lord - THANK YOU for what you are doing in all of our lives. The beauty that is occurring is mind-boggling - but I know it is YOU! I praise YOU and THANK YOU!!!

Amazing Feast On His Day of Thanksgiving!!

2009-11-26T07:39:00.001-06:00

Thursday, November 26, 2009

This journey of Giving Praise began for me because someone challenged my mom on facebook to list why she was thankful EVERY day until Thanksgiving. I loved the idea, the concept. Funny thing was - I didn't realize HOW God was going to use it in my spiritual walk.

Easy enough - list why you are thankful EVERYDAY. So I grabbed ahold and started doing it on facebook, on the accounts I do for twitter (business and personal). And then on my blog.

I would NEVER have imagined how this seemingly little and somewhat insignificant act could affect me and my journey as a daughter of the King.

I may have started for one reason - but the fruit I see in me and with my relationship with the Lord puts me in such a humbling AWE of God. He is AMAZING. He is so worthy to be praised!!

Return me to the joy of my salvation - has been my heart-cry over the last year. Let me ponder that very thing. When I got saved - when I knew that I knew that God's Spirit entered me and began this amazing work of transformation. When I became a NEW creature in Christ Jesus - when I was born-again - I was so on fire and so full of joy!!! I was so thankful that He saved a wretch like me. I was no longer just dry bones but alive in Christ. Thankful for EVERY breath, most every circumstance I saw as a spiritual implication and was grateful. I ran so thirsty to Him and His Word. I was so thankful for His teaching. It was constant. When I was mad - I ran to Him. When I was sad - I ran to Him. When I was happy - I ran to HIM. His Word was an open treasure chest for me to explore moment by moment - in awe and wonder.

Over the years - much has happened. I have had seasons of intensity where my relationship was so full with the God of the Universe. A sense of completeness that my words alone cannot express. And then there have been periods of dryness/famine - just barely running to Him. While ever constant in my Life - I did not ALLOW Him to be Lord of ALL. For various reasons I walked then in fear, shame, humiliation, false teaching to a degree. I was so hungry for Him - yet there seemed to be something/someone blocking my path.

The last year has been really hard in the natural. Much change. Much dying to self - or at least trying but then complaining the entire time instead of surrendering to the death of necessary change - necessary death so that God could inhabit those areas. I've struggled on and off. I've had periods of famine and periods of bounty during this year. A war within that didn't always glorify God.

When I began my Thankful Journey - I was just listing the things that applied to that day. If something happened - I was thankful. That was my spark, my subject for that moment.

As the days added up - I saw change in me. It was gradual but VERY apparent. I saw change in my prayer life. I saw change in my husband's prayer life. I saw change in HOW I looked at things. WOW - God was moving. I was moving. Every day there was more in which to give THANKS to God!! There was a newness in how I came before Him. A change too in how I read His Word.

So, this morning I woke up grumbly. It was VERY early and I did not want to wake up. When I say early I mean like 3am. One disturbance after another is what I perceived was happening. Grouchly I responded. My thoughts were run-away trains. My husband was receiving the bulk of my irritation as I grumbled and complained. As I tried to go back to sleep - I was trying to pray. And I mean TRYING. But it was just thoughts in my head that I knew were going nowhere. When I heard the Lord minister - "if you want to come to Me - then come to Me" He showed me what He meant. So I told my husband I was going to go spend some time with the Lord.

I got out of bed. I went and opened my Bible. Where I opened to is where He told me to begin. It was Philippians! It has been such a long time, it seems, since I opened His Word and felt Him pour into me by His Spirit through His Word. Do you get what I am saying. He ministered, He exhorted, He touched, He showed up and showed me what He was saying to me. He pointed out key verses that I needed to pray on, seek forgiveness for a matter, pray for another. He opened His scripture and it came alive. It was such a beautiful experience. The entire experience I just cannot explain - but just to weep!

I read my Bible. I pray. I hear Him minister through His Word. But this was a FEAST of a morning. If you have never experienced this - then RIGHT now I pray that I pray You ask Him to open His Word to you in a way that you have never experienced. I pray that He pours into YOU His very Breath, Word, Truth and Spirit. I pray that you don't just receive head knowledge but a heart change that is only possible in Christ Jesus by His Holy Spirit. I pray this, believing by faith that it is His Will and Good Pleasure. I pray for more intimacy in your relationship, a deeper love, a deeper level, a deeper relationship with the Lord of Lord and King of Kings. I pray in Jesus' Name and His Authority! Amen!

So, what am I thankful for on this, November 26, 2009? I am thankful for GOD and all that HE has already done. I am thankful for what He did at the beginning. I am thankful for what He did throughout the Old Testament, throughout the New Testament and Covenant. I am thankful for what He did upon Calvary. I am thankful for the God of FOREVER. I am thankful for the God of Eternity. I am thankful for God - Father, Jesus, Holy Spirit. I am so very thankful!!!

Thankful!

2009-11-24T01:05:00.001-06:00

Top 10 Reasons I am thankful in no particular order:

My husband is a born-again believer in Jesus Christ & is a praying man.
My children ask me amazing questions about God and truly WANT to know: Priceless moment this week - "mommy, what is your gift?" Then my builder (9) says "God made Samson strong - that was his gift", "Daddy's gift is to build", "What is yours...?" 20 minutes later - we then understood more about God's gifts, His purposes and His call!
I am NOT homeless. I have a beautiful home that has all that we need - especially LOVE!
I am FREE. I am free in Jesus Christ. I am free to share about Christ Jesus - Messiah, Savior, Deliverer! I am free from the chains that held me. And I know the One Who set me free!
God saved me! God saved my husband. God saved my children. God saved my family! God saved my friends. God saves!
I own a Bible (or two). I have the ability to read my Bible. I have the Holy Spirit so I may understand my Bible. I have the freedom to read my Bible wherever I choose. I know my Bible is the infallible Word of God!
I have a job - many as a matter of fact. Some of these jobs pay...monetarily. Some of these jobs bless me. Some of these jobs bless others. Some of these jobs do all 3.
I have the privilege to Homeschool my children. I have the awe-inspiring responsiblity. I have the greatest Teacher leading and guiding me. I should run to Him more - but I am so thankful He leads me, guides me, teaches me - so that I may teach my children. I am awe of Him - and I do pray I am more like Him every day so that I may exemplify that for each of my children.
I am blessed with some of the most inspiring people in my life. I know God did that!! I am in awe of who He is in them. I am in awe of each of them. I thank God for them!
I am thankful that I can be thankful. I am thankful that God spoke and said we were to be thankful in ALL circumstances! How beautiful is that! I am praying that He empowers me to continue on this path of thanksgiving - not just for a national holiday, not just for a family gathering - but for ALL. For HIM!

These are just a few of the reason for me to give thanks today.

Thankful for Testimonies of God's Power, Provision & Will

2009-11-23T11:29:00.000-06:00

I have a friend that just traveled to Amsterdam. She went to the home of Corrie Ten Boom among many other places throughout Holland. This was an important trip for her for so many reasons. A God-ordained trip!!

Because of her travels, I was inspired to read The Hiding Place again. It is the testimony and story of Corrie Ten Boom. Upon finishing it last night I just cried and cried!! I cried for her amazing testimony. I cried for God's unrelenting pursuit and provision for us - when we seek Him. I cried for His miraculous ways - ways that at the moments seemed so unfair to Corrie, Betsie and their family. Yet ways that did amazing things and resulted in Kingdom Work being accomplished!!

I cried because of all that I read in the book. But I cried for all that I know of today! I cried for those in prisons. Those I personally know who are on the merry-go-round of the gates - going in and out because of the deceit of the enemy. I cried for those caught in whatever lies the enemy spews. I cried for my own selfish ways and heart. I cried for I have truly NOT been thankful these last weeks - until we began this journey of thanksgiving. Simmering in my own despair of "unfair".

But here I read this amazing testimony of women who found His HOPE in the darkest of places - far worse than I could ever imagine.

Betsie, Corrie's sister, would constantly pray for the Germans, the nazi's, the one's who did the most damage. She exemplified what Jesus said -

Matthew 5:44,46-47 - But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you; If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your brothers, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that?

They would thank God for all things - sitting in the concentration camp, the flees, the lice, the guards, the food, the lack of food, the sickness, death - ALL. So many lost. Because they knew to be thankful in ALL.

When is the last time that you thanked God for the yucky stuff. The mold in the bathroom, the splinters on the old wood floor, the two bedrooms, not being debt-free, the lack of privacy at times - and the blessing of a roof, the heat that comes through the place, the rent paid, running water, food in the refrigerator, being all together, having money in the bank account, the laughter of our children, the ability to teach our children about Jesus without persecution...ALL. (That is part of my list, in case you hadn't figured that out!)

Thank You Father for ALL. Thank You for testimonies of YOU that remind me of why I am on this earth - my purpose: To Bring You Glory In All Things, In All Circumstances! Thank You for the life of those who have come before us to point the way. Thank You for Jesus Christ. Thank You for Your Bible - You Word which is Living and Breathing and TRUE. Thank You for the life of your faithful servants, Corrie, Betsie, their family, my grandma Clementine, Amy (Debbie's daughter), Paul, Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, James, Timothy, Moses, Aaron, Jeremiah, Isaiah, ALL of those who walked throughout Biblical Times! Thank You Lord for ALL!

Corrie said - "This is what the past is for!! Every experience God gives us, every person He puts in our lives is the perfect preparation for the future that only He can see!"

EVERY one He has allowed for His glory- those who love us (friends, family) and those who do not (strangers, difficult people, even our enemies!). We are to LOVE all! We are to be thankful for ALL! We are to praise the Lord in ALL!